Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two

[davina61]

They dug up a statue at Vinda what ever they call it on the wall, a good 2 ft tall and in good condition.

[Emma1017]

They've got a great museum and the site is open to the public.

I loved when the school kids showed up. The amateur teachers would let the kids go to the gift shop first. Once the boys bought the plastic swords it was game over. 

[Emma1017]

I met with my therapist for the first time in over a month.  I asked her if I am at peace with my gender reality, why do I have this need to share photos?

Her response was: "That part of you very much wants/needs to be seen. Like every other human being."

GD never leaves you alone, but the intensity diminishes with every surrender to it.

I should know better at this point.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Its lovely that you share your photos as can see your joy in them and you always look amazing. I told my therapist that I sometimes feel guilty / wrong sharing selfies too often. She challenged that and could find no reason we shouldn't have that pride in who we are and to share that.

Sending love and hugs x

[Emma1017]

Had a typical transgender love/hate day.  My family went to a our best friends daughters wedding. The love, friendship, and good time was rampant. 

Intertwined with the evening was my absolute hatred of the suit and tie I was wearing, my jealousy of how beautiful the women looked and my recognition that I would be rejected by many if I came out...

When those negative thoughts started to take hold, I did what I had to...I got up and danced!

Works every time!

Who wants to spend time in a pity party?

[Stottie Girl]

That's the spirit Emma! I know what you mean about the envy at weddings. I would love to go as Sarah. I guess I need some friends first though or I'll just have to become a wedding crasher!

I would genuinely love to be a bride one day too!

People might surprise you though, you never really know how someone will react.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Awww Emma I can't imagine how that felt and know for sure I could not have handled that like you managed to. Sending you all my love and hugs as know that would have taken a lot from you. 🥰🫂

[Emma1017]

On Monday, we are heading upstate to Saratoga, New York, for five days.  They have summer horse racing, and the town has that Adirondack cool vibe.  That's a laid-back woods, mountains, and lakes feel. 

People don't realize that 1/3 of NY State is the Adirondack State Park.  It's huge.  I need to get away from the city and lose some money betting on horses with stupid names.  The dumber, the better!

[ChrissyRyan]

On Monday, we are heading upstate to Saratoga, New York, for five days.  They have summer horse racing, and the town has that Adirondack cool vibe.  That's a laid-back woods, mountains, and lakes feel. 

People don't realize that 1/3 of NY State is the Adirondack State Park.  It's huge.  I need to get away from the city and lose some money betting on horses with stupid names.  The dumber, the better!

The water up there tastes good.  I visited the city, nice.  I did not visit the race track.


I find it interesting that a number of cities and rivers in that part of the country have names that end in
"-kill".  It has to do with the Dutch. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

I need to get away from the city and lose some money betting on horses with stupid names.  The dumber, the better!

When I lived in Illinois, my mother-in-law lived in Kentucky, and she loved the races. Every year, her Mother's Day present was opening day at Arlington, near Chicago. She didn't care about stats or names; she always bet on the gray horse. And if it lost, it was never the horse's fault. She always blamed the jockey.

[Emma1017]

Chrissy, the Dutch had NYS first.  Their names are everywhere.  I live in Brooklyn, an anglicized version of Breukelen, a small town in the Netherlands.

Lori, I always bring a specific amount of money I know I am going to lose, about one hour's worth of therapy time.  I figure it has the same purpose.

OK, I had a funny moment this morning that only you all would appreciate.  I was sorting through one of my clothing drawers and came across a jock strap...the ghost of gender past.  Given that I had an orchiectomy, it gave me a good laugh!

[Emma1017]

I hate the summertime.  The heat and humidity make life unbearable. Give me sweater weather and a good fireplace any time!  But i should complain.  At least we are getting a lot of rain.

I feel so sorry for  Western United States (and Canada) between the droughts and fire, it's insane.

It's also crazy in Europe! The Rhine and Danube are at historic lows and both France and Spain are tinder boxes.

Hmmmn, is the world getting warmer?

[Lori Dee ✅]

I feel so sorry for  Western United States (and Canada) between the droughts and fire, it's insane.

It's also crazy in Europe! The Rhine and Danube are at historic lows and both France and Spain are tinder boxes.

Hmmmn, is the world getting warmer?

I was thinking about this yesterday. We have record heat all over the Northern Hemisphere: the US, Canada, Europe, and Asia. Drought and wildfires. Rivers running dry.

And with all of the forests burning, and it takes many years to replace them, who will be making our toilet paper until then?

Start stocking up on bottled water and TP before the rest of the world realizes what happened.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I hope this year is an exceptional year for weather rather than a new normal. Can't say I'm optimistic though. But can at least hope.

[Emma1017]

Lori, I'm glad I bought a bidet during Covid!

Charlotte, I think we have thrown out the concept of normal.

We're having my niece, her husband and their young kids for the weekend.  Really looking forward to it.  My wife made a patch of chocolate cookies and there is no rain in sight.  Their visits are always fun.

Today is the day of my wife's prepping stress.  Just waiting for my list...😁

[Emma1017]

Kind of a melancholy moment.

We had a lovely weekend with my niece, husband, their two kids and my son.  We share a common affection and, thankfully, common politics. Their kids have became our surrogate grandchildren.  Our son does want kids and our older son died of leukemia. We have accepted that reality but we are surrounded by neighbors and friends strolling around with their grandchildren. 

We try, but it still hurts.

Also, I never regret my compromise to stay with with my wife.  We continue to laugh together every day. It brings me joy.

It is the missing piece that wish I could share with her that hurts. I am frustrated that I need to have this physical manifestation of me that I cannot share with her.

She sees me through her safety lenses and I refuse to make her take them off.

What would I lose to make her versus what would I gain?

Yet, it still hurts me.

Just the way it is, huh?

Just whining.

Time to pull my big girl panties up. 

I just need to cry a little.

Thanks for listening.

[Lori Dee ✅]

She sees me through her safety lenses and I refuse to make her take them off.

What would I lose to make her versus what would I gain?

First of all, HUGS!

This is a struggle we see on these forums every day. Lots of people are hurting, but they don't want to inflict that pain on their loved ones. That is one of the biggest burdens we face.

I finally realized that I cannot force anyone to believe or accept something that they cannot or are unwilling to. It would also be unfair for us to do so. Everyone has a right to their beliefs. We can guide them and educate them to hopefully help them change their own mind. But in the end, it is up to them to decide what they will or won't accept.

Once I realized that, I was able to make my own plans and my own decisions about how I would live the rest of my life.

We cannot change the world.
We can only change ourselves.
And as Mr. Shakespeare would say, "Ay, there's the rub."

[Emma1017]

First, Lori I love hugs and totally back at you.

In the end, we do the best we can and every day, we ask if it's enough.

It's is.

Massive hug,

Emma

[Stottie Girl]

Sending you hugs from across the pond Emma.

I can't begin to imagine how tough that choice was to make. I whine and cry and agonise over my own transition but in reality I only really have myself to consider, I have it easy really.

I'm sorry you feel so melancholy but the compensation is you have a loving wife to share this world with and in that regard you are luckier than I am. Try not to look at all the times you cannot be Emma and concentrate on the good times you share with your wife and when you could be Emma. You have lived an incredible life so far judging by what you post on here, you have a lot to be joyous about really.

Sarah xx

[Finally Anna]

Yet, it still hurts me.
Just the way it is, huh?
Just whining.
Time to pull my big girl panties up. 
I just need to cry a little.
Thanks for listening.

Emma, I totally understand your choice and the mixed feelings that surface from living that choice!
And for what it is worth, I share your hurt.
If it helps to whine a bit, cry a bit, then just continue to do what you have to do and whine and cry here as much as you need. We listen, we understand!
💕