Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two

[Emma1017]

Sarah and Anna, thanks for letting me whine a little bit. It helps to let it out among friends, particularly ones who get it.

My goal is to live life with as much joy as I can and share it with people who share it back, like the people here!

[Stottie Girl]

Sarah and Anna, thanks for letting me whine a little bit. It helps to let it out among friends, particularly ones who get it.

My goal is to live life with as much joy as I can and share it with people who share it back, like the people here!

That's not a bad goal at all Emma. You certainly seem to be living to that so far!

[Petunia]

Emma, I feel sorry for the position you are in, however I understand and respect your choice as it is what I would do if I end up in the same position.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

  @Emma1017
Dear Emma:
I have been following your story since you joined the Forum 8 years ago in March 2018 and
we had exchanged many comments regarding both of our transition stories. 
 
I am wishing success and happiness for you as you work out the difficulties in your relationships.
    ❤️
Many, many, many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Emma1017]

Sarah, it is so easy to fall into despair for some many reasons.  Everyone has stuff that they are dealing with but you can't let it overwhelm you.  I really believe that joy, even simple ones are all around us.  Sometimes it takes a little work, but it is always worth it.  Whining, briefly, is just a relief valve that we all as friends, listen to in sympathy.

Petunia, I know that it is a compromise, but you are right, I choose it and I can always change the decision. Like all compromises, the decision comes with sacrifices but I feel they are worth it to.  I like laughing with her every day!

Danielle, you helped me from the beginning.  You gave me my first hug here and it meant a lot. You were also a role model because you showed me that I could transition. Thank you for all that and more.  I treasure my relationship with my wife.  I accept that it comes with a cost.  I really appreciate that you all tolerate the occasional whining that happen when the cost of compromising becomes a little painful.  It's good to have the shoulders of a friends.

HUGE HUG TO ALL,

Emma
 

[Finally Anna]

Petunia, I know that it is a compromise, but you are right, I choose it and I can always change the decision. Like all compromises, the decision comes with sacrifices but I feel they are worth it to.  I like laughing with her every day!

I think I will "end up" in a similar state as you, Emma.
While I do know what I would want if the choice was free I cannot be totally selfish in this. As long as I feel that I have a choice I will not do things that risk ending my marriage.

Hugs! 💕

[Petunia]

They way that I look at it, there is nobody who can make me happier than my wife.

She is an amazing person and a large part of me would die if we separated.

I'll try and see if we can find a compromise and that time is very soon coming.

[Emma1017]

Anna and Petunia, within the week that I was diagnosed as transgender, I told my wife I wanted to get a sex change.  It was brutal and tremendously painful for both of us but I was not going to lie or hide the truth from her.  At that time, my gender dysphoria was extremely powerful.

The next two years were difficult.  She didn't trust me and it took many hard conversations to get some of that trust back.  I told her that I was going to start hormones and that I was considering getting a full vaginoplasty.  I even got on the surgical calendar. 

Over time, I realized that every step I took to express my gender, lessened my gender dysphoria.  As that happened I started to get perspective. I realized that I would be happier staying with my wife, than I would if I fully transitioned and we got divorced.  I opted for an orchiectomy and a Clark Kent/Superwoman compromise.

At one point in a heated argument, I pointed to the door and said, "The easiest thing I can do right now is walk out that door.  The easiest thing you can do is ask me to leave.  I don't want the easy way."  She said, "I don't either."

We are still together.

It was not a easy road, but I don't regret it.  I felt it was worth the risk.

I can't advise either of you or anyone else.  Transitioning is such a difficult and personal journey. Just know that everyone here has walked their own path and are here to support you on your own.

Warmly,

Emma

[Finally Anna]

💕
Emma, my ship is seemingly sailing a bit slower. I've not gotten a diagnose and not sure I'll need one.
While I've said to my wife that I don't think I'll need surgeries I've also said (and she understands) that I don't actually know. Living the life is the only way to discover the real need.
💕

[Emma1017]

Anna, slow and steady works.  A diagnosis helps because it confirms how you feel for both you and your wife.

My gender therapist told me she has never seen someone fight being transgender more than me.  As I battled gender dysphoria, I saw two psychologists, a psychiatrist, three gender surgeons, and two endocrinologists, who all confirmed my diagnosis.

Now that's denial.

In the end, guess what?  I am transgender.  I accepted it finally and my wife knew it was true.

It was a long path to follow, but the one I needed before I could put my marriage at jeopardy.

You will find your own way.  It's a personal process.

[Emma1017]

I wrote this at the request of another publication.  Much may be redundant for my friends here but I never know who reads my blog here, so this is for them.

Turning Transgender Lemons into Lemonade.
Making the Best of It.

I am a very determined person.

So is my female gender dysphoria, as well as my male gender socialization. They both want a piece of me.
Actually, they each want all of me.

Every day I wish I could fully transition. Every day I wish I wasn't transgender.
Neither is going to happen.

Always second-guessing myself. Fighting the imposter. Unrestrained emotions kick my butt.

Gender can't be just social. I identified as female when I wasn't really sure about my gender at 4/5 years old. That means there is something wired in the human brain that is gender specific that exists but has been identified yet by science. I am confident they will some day.

I guess that really upsets the gender bigots who refuse that science and research can advance. It doesn't fit their ideology. A flat earth is easier to understand.

I am transgender. Of that I am absolutely certain. My therapist told me she has never met anyone who works so hard not to be transgender.

I am over 60. Until gender dysphoria exploded into my life. Gender dysphoria emerges later in life (such as ages 30 to 65+) when individuals confront long-repressed feelings. For me, it was like a building emotional pressure that I could no longer contain. I felt alarm sirens screaming in my head 24/7.

Thankfully, I sought professional help...which I refused to believe. Nine medical and mental professionals later, in addition to the voice screaming in my head, I accepted that I was transgender.

It was a very long path to myself.

I still need to hide inside my cisgender male armor for many personal reasons but I see Emma in the mirror every day and I have added a world that sees me as Emma all the time.

I recently asked my therapist why I need to be seen as Emma. She responded:

"That part of you very much wants / needs to be seen."

In spite of my many attempts to suppress that physical need, I fail constantly.

I do want to be seen.

And I really like it.

I love talking with my female friends as an insider, not the outside I felt all my life.

 I am not a creepy guy who has a strange attraction to women's clothes. I am a women who not only likes female clothes but feels at home in them.

I cry without male shame.

My heart is no longer walled up behind a male stoic facade.

I feel whole.

I am no longer terrified and lonely like I was in the beginning. I refused to be a victim, and I refused to be afraid. I took risks to find my "tribe" who like me as me. It was a lot of work and a lot of fear, but I recommend it to everyone to take a chance.

My life is far from perfect but I also realize that the world is not all hate either. It truly is filled with wonderful people if you take the chance to find them.

They are worth every risk you take.

So, take the lemons thrown at us by the haters and make lemonade, or if you prefer, margaritas.

Call me, I'll bring the salsa and chips.

Emma


I hope this has been worth reading.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I, too, went through a team of professionals who all told me the same thing, and I rejected their conclusions. Eventually, I understood what it means to be transgender. Then my eyes were opened, and I could see what they saw in me.

As one of my psychologists once told me:

"It should never be difficult to just be yourself."

Thanks, Emma.

[Finally Anna]

I hope this has been worth reading.

Emma, you have described not only yourself but except for the numerous medical/mental professionals you have also described me. I relate deeply to what you wrote. So worth reading! Thank you!
💕

[Emma1017]

Lori, I love this quote: "It should never be difficult to just be yourself."

Anna, I am glad it was worth reading.  I always worry that my writing is getting boring.

[Emma1017]

I got triggered by another anti-transgender comment over the weekend.

We had a group of friends staying over the weekend. We have been together since we were teenagers. One is a Democrat, and the others are Trump supporters. Although we have a strict rule against politics, it couldn't stop a friend from making a MAGA comment about transgender athletes.

It wasn't the worst anti-transgender comment I've heard, and to be fair, no one knows I am transgender, but his "innocent" ignorance was enough to set my teeth on edge. They still know me as the guy that played football and basketball with them and went bar hopping looking for girls. Back then my male facade was deep. I was socialized male extremely well. My female gender was well guarded.

I held my tongue when he made his opinion known so everyone could enjoy the weekend, but it set off a stream of angry thoughts that churned through my head for the next 24 hours.

Sadly, triggers never go away.

It's also part of the cost of my transition compromise to stay with my wife...it's still worth it.

[davina61]

Another brain washed idiot then.

[Stottie Girl]

I got triggered by another anti-transgender comment over the weekend.

We had a group of friends staying over the weekend. We have been together since we were teenagers. One is a Democrat, and the others are Trump supporters. Although we have a strict rule against politics, it couldn't stop a friend from making a MAGA comment about transgender athletes.

It wasn't the worst anti-transgender comment I've heard, and to be fair, no one knows I am transgender, but his "innocent" ignorance was enough to set my teeth on edge. They still know me as the guy that played football and basketball with them and went bar hopping looking for girls. Back then my male facade was deep. I was socialized male extremely well. My female gender was well guarded.

I held my tongue when he made his opinion known so everyone could enjoy the weekend, but it set off a stream of angry thoughts that churned through my head for the next 24 hours.

Sadly, triggers never go away.

It's also part of the cost of my transition compromise to stay with my wife...it's still worth it.

You probably hit the nail on the head there Emma, it is ignorance that spawns a lot of these comments. When these people are presented with the reality of someone they know and like going through this transition I would think a lot of people may re-assess their views.

They aren't all necessarily "bad" people but they are ignorant and are guilty of jumping on a political bandwaggon.

Of course they could also just be biggoted a-holes too lol!

[Emma1017]

I can't argue with ignorance so I will limit our get togethers.

On Amazon, I bought a Lake Ontario souvenir t-shirt.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I can't argue with ignorance so I will limit our get togethers.

On Amazon, I bought a Lake Ontario souvenir t-shirt.

I have a map on my wall with Lake Ontario and the Gulf of Mexico.

Soon to be a valuable collectible.

🤣

[Stottie Girl]

I can't argue with ignorance so I will limit our get togethers.

On Amazon, I bought a Lake Ontario souvenir t-shirt.

Subtle! I like it!