I desperately needed to make myself laugh today, so I wrote this:
Oh My God, I was infected by the LGBTQ Spectrum!
I was cisgender and now I am TRANSGENDER!!!
Yes, it happened to me!
For over sixty years I was a normal cisgender male. Married with adult children and a successful career. Spending endless hours with macho friends chugging cold beers and trying to out do each other with stories of male feats of sexual conquest and jokes about female frailties.
Unapologetically all male. I swear I could sell my excess testosterone on the internet if I wanted to.
Check out my biceps!!! I'm all man, damn it!
Then, out of nowhere, I came down with transgenderitis.
Where did this come from?
Not sure where I got infected. Could have been one of those unisex bathrooms or the hand lotions they leave around hotel bathrooms. Or maybe standing next to the gay guy on the elevator who coughed without covering his mouth.
Hegseth is right. Something has suddenly sapped my testosterone. I'm too old to join the Marines. Somebody did this to me. Maybe I am a victim of a left wing conspiracy. I've been WOKE attacked. I should never have taken the Covid vaccine.
Damn you Dr. Fauci and your damn vaccines!
Sure and my wife had to take that job when the kids were too young instead of being a traditional wife and taking care of the house. Making me do dirty dishes int the sink, grocery shopping and doing laundry. Maybe something was in the soap? All that women's housework ruined my keen male edge.
I should have played more football.
I should have been fireman or a cop, not a Wall Street lawyer!
What the hell is happening to me? On the way to work today I kept looking at women's shoes instead of their breasts. Last night I went home after work instead of drinking with the guys. Jesus, last week at the strip club, I wasn't ogling the girls breast, I was jealous of them!
I tried everything I could to increase my testosterone:
I increased eating foods with Omega-3 fatty acids.
I lift weights every day at the gym
I take zinc and vitamin D3 supplements. I even tried herb Tongkat Ali.
I tried to increase my testosterone level with masturbation and sex but my erections are so weak I have to take Viagra all the time.
I can't stop watching women's fashion YouTubes. I suddenly love shopping with my wife. I hate trying on men's clothes. I secretly tried my wife's makeup in our bathroom behind locked doors...I even thought I looked pretty.
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!
Somebody please help me.
I watched When Harry Met Sally twice last night and cried every time!
OK, enough!!! I'm going to grow a beard, shave my head and get a bunch of macho tattoos. From now on I'm wearing boxer shorts, eat lots of steak and arm wrestle with guys in the bar. I am buying a dumb blonde joke book and watch endless John Wayne movies.
I got this.
I am a man and I can control this.
In fact, I am at the mall right now and heading to the Bass Pro Shop to buy some hunting gear...but wait, those are some really cute sling-back kitten heels in that window.
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!
Hope it made you laugh too.
