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Lauren's Lair: Here be dragons...

Started by Sephirah, May 27, 2025, 04:16:37 PM

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tgirlamg

Quote from: Sephirah on October 12, 2025, 04:48:32 PMWent for a night out with a bunch of people from school yesterday. It was nice. Haven't done anything like that in a long, loooooong time. Not since my Navy days, probably. They are all very cool. I think I probably imprisoned myself for way too long. I had fun. And a nice steak. It's funny how you can keep yourself a prisoner because you just don't think you deserve to be let out of the cell. And you are the only person holding yourself back. I dunno. I had a really good time. :)

I guess sometimes you need people to break through the shell of avoidance you build around yourself. To help you see that you're actually worth it and not as much of a train wreck as you think you are. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. :)

Onward Brave Sister!!! ❤️
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻

davina61

Yes my dear ,get out and mingle. Now I do like company but also I am a bit of a loner, happy in my own company (till I get bored!) so I try to keep busy.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017
GRS 2021 5th Nov

Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Lilis

Quote from: Sephirah on October 12, 2025, 04:48:32 PMWent for a night out with a bunch of people from school yesterday. It was nice. Haven't done anything like that in a long, loooooong time. Not since my Navy days, probably. They are all very cool. I think I probably imprisoned myself for way too long. I had fun. And a nice steak. It's funny how you can keep yourself a prisoner because you just don't think you deserve to be let out of the cell. And you are the only person holding yourself back. I dunno. I had a really good time. :)

I guess sometimes you need people to break through the shell of avoidance you build around yourself. To help you see that you're actually worth it and not as much of a train wreck as you think you are. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. :)
It sounds like such a simple evening, yet the meaning behind it feels so profound.

I completely understand what you mean, how good it feels to finally live again.

I think that realization is the most beautiful part of all.

So happy for you, Lauren! 💖

~ Lilis 🌷
More about me:
Emerging from Darkness  ✨ | GAHT - 6/10/2024. ⚕️ | Electrolysis - 2/23/2025 ⚡| Progesterone - 3/24/2025 ⚕️ | Body laser - 3/26/2025 👙

"The Circle!" 🌑†🪞🔥

"Loving me as I am, tomorrow I will unmask even more." ~ Lilis 🌷

Emma1017



This site has brought together so many kindred spirits.  The collective caring and kindness always amazes me!

You all are the best.


Lori Dee

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 13, 2025, 08:33:52 AMThis site has brought together so many kindred spirits.  The collective caring and kindness always amazes me!

You all are the best.



We are proud to count you among us. You are equally caring, kind, and amazing!
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The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
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Sephirah

Okay I had a really, really freaky weird dream about a week ago. And it was so vivid I can still remember it today. So I figure I should document it.. even though it makes no sense, lol.

This dream took place over the space of about 90 minutes.

So... I was going to a party with my younger brother. I was a kid again. (I have an inordinate number of dreams where I'm a kid again... that probably says something). It was a party at the house of another kid we used to know. A kid who was.. hmm... a bit of a troublemaker when he was young. Got my brothers in all kinds of trouble. As kids are wont to do. I was always kind of outside all of that and only heard the crap they got up to from my mum. But that's outside the point.

Anyway, we were at this guy's house, and someone ordered pizza. Which was weird because I am not allowed carbs on my current diet. No potatoes, no bread, no pasta, nothing like that. There's a reason for it but I won't bore you with it. But... omg I love pepperoni pizza. I am a complete glutton when it comes to that devil's food. I could eat it 'till the cows come home, so to speak.

Now... where this guy lived was not where he lived in my dream. This is quite important. He lived somewhere I didn't know. Somewhere in the middle of Sheffield. Not terribly far from where I knew where he lived when we were kids but far enough that in this dream I didn't know where this house was. My mum was supposed to pick us up at a certain time... which... she didn't drive. But in this dream she specifically was supposed to drive over to pick us up.

I should also add that in the UK... driving is not as big a deal as it is in the US. We have far better public transport and our country isn't monstrously vast, so... many people don't drive. But in this dream she did. Apparently.

I had an argument with my brother. I forget what about. But I resolved to walk home from this other guy's house. Even though I didn't know where I was, relative to where I had to be. It was quite dumb. But when do dreams make sense? I think it was something to do with not getting enough pizza but I can neither confirm nor deny that, lol.

He was concerned but I was like "Oh, don't worry, I can walk a long way!" And that was kind of true. I lost a lot of weight just through walking like 40 miles a week... like 20 years ago. I lost about 75lbs just doing that back in the day through walking home from work after I left the navy and deciding that being sat on my backside behind a computer wasn't the healthiest lifestyle...

But ANYWAY... I set off. Through a lot of inner city neighbourhoods I didn't recognise. A lot of gang youths in hoodies and looking decidedly shifty passed me en route and I was scared. I didn't know why I was scared but then it suddenly dawned on me that I wasn't me. I was this teenage girl with a low cut top, and skirt. I felt very vulnerable.

I never thought about it until that point. But then I looked at myself and it hit home... hard. I had been trying hard to be... attractive? I don't know. It made me feel very exposed, though. I had never thought about walking in these high heeled boots until I looked at them and suddenly realised how impractical they were for walking miles. So I took them off, and grabbed them in my right hands.

I distinctly remember the next part. There was a sign... like a typical British road sign, it was green, but one side had been shaped into a pointed arrow, denoting the direction. It was called "The Grips". Don't even ask... I don't know. I don't think that place even exists. Especially when what I came upon was this dry river bed with some weird, retrofuture Viking longboats, with wheels on the bottom. Oars sticking out of both sides, seemingly rowing through mid air with blue white jet fuel emissions pouring out the back. Full of men with blonde beards and those weird horned helmets. Rowing their oars into nothing. There were seats around the edges and a whole bunch of people sat on them, cheering. Like some weird Running Man... cyberpunk crowd. It all seemed perfectly normal. Other than I had no idea WTF was going on. I kept going. I felt really warm. I think this river bed was like some old lava channel.

I found myself on this raised roadway, with this JCB trying to dig up the road. What you US folks would call a "Back hoe"? Big yellow thing with a shovel on the back and front. And big wheels. Trying to dig up the road. It was very wobbly and full of what anyone who's played world of warcraft will know as "infernals". This thing...



Bunch of dwarves and Blood elves trying to fight these things. Don't even ask... I don't know.

I somehow scrambled my way past all these things and ended up in another city. Suddenly. Very cold and vulnerable. This party dress I realised I was only wearing at this point was largely shredded. I was barefoot. No idea what was going on or who I was. It was morning at this point and I somehow made my way through this secret tunnel in a car dealership. Very tired, lol. I saw a plaque on this statue outside this car dealership...

"Welcome to Rotherham." I have never been to Rotherham in my life. I know it is relatively near Sheffield but I've been scared to see if there is anything similar to what I saw which actually exists, lol. The whole thing was weird. I spied a Supertram station in the distance. That's like... uh... a tram service around where I live.



It's an alternative to buses. I didn't recognise anything on any of the trams apart from at one stop which proclaimed to be going to where I lived at the time. But it was going in the wrong direction. Nevertheless I got on. I somehow had enough money in this little black purse I had in a handbag I didn't realise I had until this point. I spoke to the driver and asked if he was going back to where I lived. He said he wasn't but I was welcome to stay on the tram while it went the other way, then ride it back to where I knew where I was. I asked if the fare cap applied... lol.

(for people who don't know, there is a fare cap on public transport these days which is £3 ($4.03 currently), for however far you want to go. It can be under that but that's the max they can charge, even it it's like 300 miles)

He said no. I somehow had money in my handbag I didn't know I had until this point, lol. So I paid the dude and we started making small talk. I felt okay... and that's when I woke up. It was incredibly surreal, and incredibly vivid. This was like 6 days ago and I still remember it. Brains are weird! :P
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3

Sephirah

I went to a Halloween thing tonight with some folks I have made friends with from school. For like the first time in 20 years. It was uncomfortable, but okay. They are insistent on dragging me out to do things I am not comfortable with. My anxiety is usually off the charts but it ends up okay. They are all very sweet. People aren't as bad as we think they are.

I think that's something I've learned. Change doesn't come from being okay. It comes from being not okay and dealing with it. That's how we learn, and grow.

Have to go to hospital on Monday, though. Crappy stuff I have to deal with. But I have this weekend. It's a memory. :)
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3

Lori Dee

I am glad you have good people there for you. You deserve that. Hang tough, and we will be here waiting for you.

Big HUGS!
My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete

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Sephirah

Quote from: Lori Dee on Yesterday at 10:01:49 PMI am glad you have good people there for you. You deserve that. Hang tough, and we will be here waiting for you.

Big HUGS!


I am tougher than a piece of alligator jerky, lol. I will say... I saw Frankenstein's monster drunk out of his head trying to get it on with Cleopatra. That is something I can't ever unsee.
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3
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    The following users thanked this post: Lori Dee

Lori Dee

Quote from: Sephirah on Yesterday at 11:04:04 PMI am tougher than a piece of alligator jerky, lol. I will say... I saw Frankenstein's monster drunk out of his head trying to get it on with Cleopatra. That is something I can't ever unsee.

What the hell are you smoking over there?

😆
My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete

HELP US HELP YOU!
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Sephirah

Definitely more alcohol based, lol.

We don't do Bud Light over in the UK. It makes people ever so slightly unhinged. :P
Natura nihil frustra facit.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." ~ Buddha.

If you're dealing with self esteem issues, maybe click here. There may be something you find useful. :)
Above all... remember: you are beautiful, you are valuable, and you have a shining spark of magnificence within you. Don't let anyone take that from you. Embrace who you are. <3
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    The following users thanked this post: Lori Dee

KathyLauren

Quote from: Sephirah on Yesterday at 09:06:00 PMChange doesn't come from being okay. It comes from being not okay and dealing with it.

I should print that out in fancy calligraphy and hang it on the wall.  You are a wise lady.  I hope all goes well with your hospital visit.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate

tgirlamg

Sephirah!

Sending all the best hopes, prayers and loving wishes your way sister! 🌻🙏❤️

Hugs!

A💕
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Pema

Lauren, I hope all goes smoothly for you on Monday. I'm really enjoying hearing about your outings with your friends. Stretching yourself gradually is almost always a good thing, so I'm glad they're pulling you and that you're accepting it.

Quote from: Sephirah on Yesterday at 11:16:47 PMWe don't do Bud Light over in the UK. It makes people ever so slightly unhinged. :P

No kidding; look at what's happened here in the US.

Quote from: KathyLauren on Today at 12:16:23 PM
Quote from: Sephirah on Yesterday at 09:06:00 PMChange doesn't come from being okay. It comes from being not okay and dealing with it.
I should print that out in fancy calligraphy and hang it on the wall.  You are a wise lady.  I hope all goes well with your hospital visit.

Amen. It reminds me of what I used to tell my physics students who'd feel anxious about not understanding a new concept the first time they were introduced to it: "Try to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Know that it will pass." You're doing it, and it's benefiting more people than just you.
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Lori Dee

Quote from: Pema on Today at 01:20:54 PM
QuoteChange doesn't come from being okay. It comes from being not okay and dealing with it.
I should print that out in fancy calligraphy and hang it on the wall.  You are a wise lady.  I hope all goes well with your hospital visit.

I think that might even qualify for the Devlynisms thread. Even though it is a Laurenism.

https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=153151.msg2308933#msg2308933
My Life is Based on a True Story <-- The Story of Lori
The Story of Lori, Chapter 2
Veteran U.S. Army - SSG (Staff Sergeant) - M60A3 Tank Master Gunner
2017 - GD Diagnosis / 2019- 2nd Diagnosis / 2020 - HRT / 2022 - FFS & Legal Name Change
/ 2024 - Voice Training / 2025 - Passport & IDs complete

HELP US HELP YOU!
Please consider making a Donation or becoming a Subscriber.
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Northern Star Girl

@Sephirah
Dear Lauren:
I hear you about what you stated:
  "Have to go to hospital on Monday, though. Crappy stuff I have to deal with."

Last month I had "survived" a much needed 2nd medical procedure and I am now better than new
although I was a little sore as expected. 

Hospitals and medical procedures are not fun activities... but can be necessary.

I trust that things will go well for you and the "Crappy stuff that you have to deal with" results
in healing and good health.


              ❤️
Many HUGS,
Danielle
[Northern Star Girl]

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