The last month or so has not been a great one for me. I've been so angry all the time. The two sides of me are constantly at odds with one another and it's got me feeling so depressed. I still want more than anything to bring Jen all the way out into the light but the fear still grips me. The doubt. The feeling that it's all useless and futile and just a fantasy. I've stopped doing the little things I would do that felt good and right and affirming because I don't feel anything from them anymore. That makes me even more sad. I even stopped coming here to Susan's very much.
It definitely didn't help that my therapist had to cancel last month's appointment. I need that time so much. Even if it's only one hour a month, it's huge for me to have that time that I can be just Jen - and ONLY Jen - when I'm talking to someone. Sure, I can do that here, but typing it in a blog and speaking to a live human are very different things.
My wife knows I'm seeing a therapist but she doesn't know why. She gets mad that I won't tell her what we talk about. If I know anything it's that she can't handle the truth. Not about this. Today she actually told me that there was something wrong with me and we need to have a joint session with my therapist. Talk about invasion of privacy.
So, I'm feeling depressed and hopeless about becoming Jen, my relationship is getting worse every day and I'm not getting any closer to solving either problem. On top of it all, the arthritis in my knees is as bad as ever, I have plantar fasciitis in my right foot and my left foot is hurting in the spot where I had a stress fracture last year. So, I'm feeling as messed up physically as I am emotionally.
I hope this doesn't come across like I'm fishing for sympathy but I just had to let it out. Everyone here has always been supportive and encouraging I could really use some of that right now. Ok, maybe I am fishing a little bit. 😜
Thanks for reading.
Peace, love and happiness,
Jen
