Hi JenI have put together a few ideas for you to consider and I hope they can give you some inspiration, so that you can move forward in your life.
Moving ForwardI have been reading your blog "Discovering Jen" and noted that you seem to be in a "holding pattern", "Stuck" or "you don't know how to leap forward". The way forward, regardless of the path you take, life will still go on and that is what happened to me. I was single and 30 at the time. I had a job, social life, study and medical treatment along the way. Although our circumstances are different there are similarities.
So, to move "forward" in your case you need to have a "long term goal". What is your long term goal over the next one to three years, full time social transition, partial social transition with medical steps, medication only with private presentation, another path? Your answer will guide the order and the pace you take in achieving that goal.
What matters mostI would put safety first, which means consider keeping your life private in this matter, until you are ready to share with someone. Be totally honest with your therapist who will provide you with the guidance you need so that you can move forward. Continue with your thoughts in "Discovering Jen" as this gives you a private outlet to write and it documents your journey. That space will let you breathe and plan.
Your fear of rejection is valid, yet you must consider the other side of the coin and that is you need to leave room for acceptance. You wrote about your wife and I see possibilities there. She might surprise you in good ways. Your daughter could also possibly help you, offering guidance on fashion choices that fit your life. I was lucky that my family accepted me and I left family and friends behind, so as to avoid the negativity. I did not want the ramifications of what I was doing to befall them.
I would claim your name with pride Jen. If Jen Marie feels right to you, then your choice of names is yours to behold just like it was with me. Each time someone uses your name it lifts the weight off your shoulders a little bit more.
You have mentioned your health problems. Sleep apnea, foot issues, back and knee issues, dental work, weight and the hair loss all matter. Your health constraints are there and they need care. You and your doctors are the ones who will help you in this area. Step by step you can improve your comfort, energy and your outlook on life.
I know you want movement in going "forward" even though you feel stuck. Small wins, or "inch by inch" rings a bell. One habit at a time builds momentum. So the following are suggested things to do while you move forward.
Practical stepsConsider starting with what you can control in private. Pick one samll habit that feels safe, repeat it each day until it becomes easy, then add the next step. Keep a simple note so you can see your prgress grow and "Discovering Jen" is the ideal place to do that.
Set up facial hair removal with a simple plan. Ask about laser for dark hairs then electrolysis for lighter or remaining hairs. Commit to a regular schedule that you can keep. Improve your voice skills in private. There are a lot of YouTube videos for that. I used to practice by singing on my way to swimming training mimicking female voices. Practice for ten minutes a day. Record a short hello on day one then another after two weeks. Listen for ease and resonance rather than chasing high notes.
Support your body with joint friendly movements. Start with short walks or walking in water. This can be a gentle way to start off as the water will take the pressure off your knees. You only have to walk as far as the water covers your chest then turn around then walk back. This way you will not have to tread water! Keep a tiny log so you can see real progress. Protect your sleep by using your apnea treatment as prescribed and review any issues with your clinician.
Shape a quiet wardrobe you can use at home. Pick soft basics that read as lounge wear. Tees, leggings or even pyjamas. Learn your sizes with a tape at home. Add small accessories that make you smile for an easy win.
Keep your therapy sessions going. Rehearse a script with your therapist so the words feel natural when the time is right to come out to your wife if you decide that is what you want to do. Also you could create a list, maybe in your mind, of who you would feel safe to tell and whether they would accept you or not, for who you truly are. This was something my uncle and I did, before I changed my life around.
In addition, prepare your medical path quietly. That includes your current health issues and any future ones like HRT if you decide to go down that path the most important thing you can do is have a backup plan that you can use if plans or circumstances change suddenly.
HRT informationIf you consider HRT then treat it as medical care that needs an individual risk assessment with your therapist, if not then a gender informed clinican. Back issues, knee issues, sleep apnea, weight and family history all need to be taken into account. Your therapist or a gender informed clinician can explain your options.
If HRT is not wanted or needed then focus on building congruence through non medical steps. Use small repeatable actions you can do in private each day. Keep safety and privacy at the front of your mind. Over time these steps make the outside feel closer to who you know yourself to be. Think of it as small repeatable steps that make the outside feel closer to who Jen is inside.
From my perspectiveThe way forward regardless of the path you take, life will still go on and this is what happened to me. I was single and 30 at the time. I had a job, social life, study and medical treatment along the way. Although our circumstances are different. There are similarities.
I had to bide my time before surgery, I would have had surgery the first day if I could have, however the rules said I had to wait two years. In the meantime I continued living my life as Sarah. Life did not stop for me and I took each step as it came, doing what was necessary.
My hair was already long before surgery. Facial hair removal took about a year and a half. I was lucky that I did not have much other body hair to manage. I kept my history private and I still do. Only a couple of doctors knew. My family found out through my uncle. I moved through each day without thinking about what I was doing. I suppose the long term plan was surgery and I think that was what happened when I first came to Sydney and I spoke with a counsellor at a refuge house. I guess in a sense this was my first time I revealed what I wanted, surgery in the long run, I know I did not plan what I was going to say or do, so I just winged it.
A simple planConcentrate on working on your health issues and maintain your therapy sessions, to help you as you move forward. Let Jen shine through, by implementing practical steps that you can do as mentioned earlier and finally clarify your long term goals, especially the one around coming out by planning, drafting or talking with your therapist about telling one or two people when you feel safe and ready to do so.
Some final thoughtsJen you are welcome here exactly as you are, no matter what. Whatever pace you choose, whatever path you take, your voice will be heard and your privacy respected. Share small wins or hard days and we will walk beside you. Whether you focus on health, therapy, building your congruence with quiet daily habits or explore HRT with a clinician. You will find acceptance here on Susan's. You are not alone while you plan your long term goal and take each step forward. We will be here with you.
Take care and all the best for the future.
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Jen T.
