Discovering Jen

[davina61]

Never had what I would call strong dysphoria just a desire to change. But then I think I am the exception to the "rule". If the desire is there you will work your way forward even if its slowly. 

[Jen T.]

Well, hello again. It's been awhile since I've written anything here.

Five minutes later...

As soon as I started typing my corgi, Charlie, rolled over on his back with his paws in the air and looked at me as if to say, "This belly ain't gonna rub itself, y'know." He's the best dog I've ever had and if you've ever known a corgi you know why. You also know what a maniacal little tyrant he can be. Loaf of bread on legs that thinks he's the lord of all he sees. Our cat does everything in her power to dispel him of this notion, yet he remains undeterred.

I don't have a lot of blog posts because I often feel like I should have something relevant to say regarding my discovery of Jen. Most of the time, though, my thoughts and emotions don't change much. I don't want to be the girl who carries on about the same things over and over again, so I keep quiet if there's nothing original to say.

I could write about day-to-day, mundane, my boring life stuff, I guess. Maybe I will, even if it's just a quick check-in. It makes me feel good knowing that someone reads this stuff, especially when they care enough to leave a reply. It helps me feel that sense of connection and belonging that I was looking for when I came to Susan's in the first place. Sometimes I feel slightly detached from the community because I haven't begun my transition yet and you all reel me back in.

Thank you for that and thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Stottie Girl]

Well, hello again. It's been awhile since I've written anything here.

Five minutes later...

As soon as I started typing my corgi, Charlie, rolled over on his back with his paws in the air and looked at me as if to say, "This belly ain't gonna rub itself, y'know." He's the best dog I've ever had and if you've ever known a corgi you know why. You also know what a maniacal little tyrant he can be. Loaf of bread on legs that thinks he's the lord of all he sees. Our cat does everything in her power to dispel him of this notion, yet he remains undeterred.

I don't have a lot of blog posts because I often feel like I should have something relevant to say regarding my discovery of Jen. Most of the time, though, my thoughts and emotions don't change much. I don't want to be the girl who carries on about the same things over and over again, so I keep quiet if there's nothing original to say.

I could write about day-to-day, mundane, my boring life stuff, I guess. Maybe I will, even if it's just a quick check-in. It makes me feel good knowing that someone reads this stuff, especially when they care enough to leave a reply. It helps me feel that sense of connection and belonging that I was looking for when I came to Susan's in the first place. Sometimes I feel slightly detached from the community because I haven't begun my transition yet and you all reel me back in.

Thank you for that and thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

What you think is mundane might be very interesting to us Jen. Stick it down anyway. I haven't really got much of a clue what to put on my blog as I haven't come out fully either. I just tend to document what I'm up to and pose the odd question. Download my thoughts from time to time. Maybe just do that?

I feel like my blog is a sort of personal notice board where people can leave me messages or ask me anything.

[davina61]

I just post my thoughts and what I have been up to, helps clear my brain . I dont see many folks in my day to day life but I feel I have friends here.

[tgirlamg]

Jen!

Coming here and sharing your thoughts is in itself, a transitional step!

Hugs!

A💕

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Jen T. 
Dear Jen:
I agree with the reply comments authored by @tgirlamg  @davina61 and  @Stottie Girl

You can consider your Blog thread as your HOME here on the Forum where your readers and
followers can  find you to leave their comments and to share with you. 

Also your Blog thread is your shared personal journal that you can use to write down your thoughts
and comments as you navigate your journey and life endeavors.

I have some older Blog threads here from several years ago that I still go back to
read what I had shared...  great memories of my trials and tribulations as I documented
my own journey.

Jen T. please continue Blogging... your have readers and avid followers including myself
that are eager to read your postings and your life endeavors. 

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl
  Forum Administrator

[Dances With Trees]

Thank you for that and thanks for reading.

The pleasure was mine, Jen!

Our household is similar to yours: two dogs and one cat (Dort). Dort terrorizes the yellow Lab (LeBron) but is wise enough to give a wide berth to Rosa (a mixed-breed shelter dog).

[Jen T.]

"Choose your side
There are no winners
Hell is overcrowded and
Heaven's full of sinners

End the transmission
Nothing makes sense and we're running out of graves
End the transmission
Nothing makes sense and no one is listening"

-In Flames, "End the Transmission"

For the last couple of weeks I have not been able to get this song out of my head. It's a favorite of mine, with a killer riff and although the lyrics are decidedly bleak and angry, the chorus is catchy. Those bleak lyrics have gone along well with my mood. To be clear, I don't exist in a constant state of anger but lately it hasn't taken much for me to get really pissed off. I'm getting really mad, really fast, at even the smallest things. My patience is virtually nonexistent.

I talked with my therapist about this the other day and right away she helped me understand it. She said, "Jen, look at all the things that you're carrying around right now. It's no wonder that you're short-tempered and emotionally exhausted." We talked about what many of those things are, not the least of which is my constant frustration over still being closeted. (I've talked about the reasons why in previous posts.) Then there's a whole bunch of life and parenting stuff building up on top of that. She was right, of course but often times it takes someone else to point out what I can't see while I'm living it.

I very much look forward to seeing my therapist. She's literally the only person with whom I can cast off everything else and just be Jen. I can put my male/husband/father self in the backseat and let Jen drive the car for an hour. It's only once a month but it's always the most important day of the month for me. Every time we talk, I walk away feeling like someone just pushed the reset button on my emotions and for a little while at least, I feel refreshed and happy.

For anyone who is struggling to make sense of what's happening in their head, I'll say this: therapy works if you give it a chance.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Jen T.]

I have an app for an online retailer of plus-size women's clothing (yes, I'm a big girl) that I like to "fantasy shop" on. I find things I like and add them to the cart. (Currently I have 180 items totaling about $6,000 in the cart.😄) Lately I've been spending a lot more time than usual shopping the app. Lots of wishing and hoping and dreaming.

I get in this mode every once in a while and it's a double-edged sword. Shopping for feminine clothing is fun and even a little therapeutic but at the same time continues to reinforce the fact that I'm not there yet and that brings me back down. Today all I could think about was how I so desperately wish that I could get all made up, put on a wig and a dress and go out. Just go out into the world anywhere and just be Jen, even for a little while.

I do believe that will happen someday but I know someday is not today, for a long list of reasons. Still I think about it all the time, wondering what that first time will feel like. What kind of experience I'll have. Sometimes though, in my darker moods, I don't believe it will happen. I think that I'll be denied that wonderful transformation and Jen will stay shut away in the closet forever. Today turned into one of those days and I don't like it. Maybe tomorrow will be brighter.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Lori Dee ✅]

Jen,

I remember those feelings very well. The question to ask yourself is, What's stopping you?
When you know that, then the next question should be, How can I make this happen?

Don't accept no for an answer. If you need to plan a Me Day away from home, start making plans. Rent a hotel room somewhere. If you need someone to do your makeup, make an appointment. When you encounter an obstacle, don't admit defeat. Ask the same question again. How can I make this happen?

Never give up. You can do it.

[Stottie Girl]

Same here Jen,

I'm a big lass too (UK20) and I'm totally addicted to buying clothes at the moment. I'm loving experimenting with styles and looks. Make up too. I love it all. I'm surprising myself really because I thought I would be more of a geezer bird or tom boy but I am turning into a proper girlie girl these days. I need to reign it in though as I'm trying to loose weight now and any clothes I'm wearing now will soon be too large.

BUT you are right in that some days it feels like an impossible dream. When I get the outfit and makeup right, which is happening most of the time now, I do feel this urge to get out in the real world. I look in the mirror sometimes and think "you look like you pass what are you waiting for?". If it wasn't for the voice I probably would go for it too. I am using this time as training though so by the time I do go, and I will get out there, I'm as effortlessly female as I can be. It's slow, it's tough but for me it is the right strategy. It won't be for everyone though.

[Jen T.]

Feeling kind of weird today. One of the greatest things that ever happened to me was becoming a father. I love my kids and I love being a dad. Yet on this particular Father's Day, I find myself struggling to reconcile being transgender and being a dad.

I know I'm not the first person to feel that way and I've certainly pondered this before but for some reason, it's just hitting me differently today. I guess it's because this is the first Father's Day since I came out to my therapist. It was almost a year ago when I stopped trying to squash my feelings and started to open up about them. Since then, quite a lot of self-discovery has happened and I'm more at peace with it than ever before. That being said, I'm still crippled by fear and doubt and not much closer to coming out to my family than I was then.

This is the part where I start to feel like a broken record; whingeing on about the same things all the time, but hey, it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

 

[Jen T.]

I just realized that in two days (July 16) it will be one year since I joined this community. What a year it's been. There have been ups and downs and more self-discovery than at any time in my life. Finally allowing myself to be open (as limited as it is) about what's really inside me has been one of the most rewarding, frustrating, exciting, challenging, wonderful and scary experiences I've ever had. Yep, that's a lot of different emotions bouncing around in Jen's popcorn machine; often all at once. (Butter and salt mandatory.)

Lately it's been a near-constant state of busy parent mode. For those who haven't been following along, my 16 year old daughter is a competitive dancer and we were away at Nationals a couple of weeks ago. It's always a fun week and getting to watch her team perform at their best in the biggest competition of the year is so special. Inwardly it is a bit awkward for me, though. I'm not out and I only present male but being around so many cis women for an entire week leaves me with slight feelings of inadequacy and a bit of imposter syndrome. I wonder, dear readers, do you ever feel that way?

Looking ahead to the next year of Discovering Jen, it is my fondest wish that I can come to a place where I'm ready for my family to meet Jen. I dream about that every single day. That said, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I know it will happen eventually. I can't stay locked inside my man-shell forever. However, I've learned not to impose artificial deadlines on myself.

In other news, my daughter takes her driving test in a couple of weeks, my son is spending his last summer of high school being a bedroom hermit and a screenager, and in another first, my daughter's boyfriend came to Nationals with us. He's a good kid and I like him, so I didn't really mind that much, except for the hug situation. "What's the hug situation," you ask? Allow me to elucidate.

At nationals, when the team finishes a number, all the parents go out into the hall and meet them. Usually we form an arch and the girls all run through it while we cheer. Then the girls meet for a few moments before finding their families. What always happens at that point is dad gets the first hug. It's an unspoken tradition between us. Are you sensing something different happened this year? You would be correct. What we had this time was after every number the girl walked right past her parents and straight into the arms of the boyfriend.  Didn't even look at us. I turned to my wife, who immediately recognized the look on my face, and said, "I don't know how to feel right now but I'm pretty sure I don't like it." I know the relationship is still new and shiny and they can't get enough of each other but I'm not used to having to share. It's going to take some getting used to...

Well, that's all for now. It's late and my bed is calling. We're a person short at work this week with someone out in vacation, so I'm having to do the work of two people at the busiest time we've had in quite awhile. The moment my coworker left last Friday I was instantly two days behind. So much fun.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Stottie Girl]

I just realized that in two days (July 16) it will be one year since I joined this community. What a year it's been. There have been ups and downs and more self-discovery than at any time in my life. Finally allowing myself to be open (as limited as it is) about what's really inside me has been one of the most rewarding, frustrating, exciting, challenging, wonderful and scary experiences I've ever had. Yep, that's a lot of different emotions bouncing around in Jen's popcorn machine; often all at once. (Butter and salt mandatory.)

Lately it's been a near-constant state of busy parent mode. For those who haven't been following along, my 16 year old daughter is a competitive dancer and we were away at Nationals a couple of weeks ago. It's always a fun week and getting to watch her team perform at their best in the biggest competition of the year is so special. Inwardly it is a bit awkward for me, though. I'm not out and I only present male but being around so many cis women for an entire week leaves me with slight feelings of inadequacy and a bit of imposter syndrome. I wonder, dear readers, do you ever feel that way?

Looking ahead to the next year of Discovering Jen, it is my fondest wish that I can come to a place where I'm ready for my family to meet Jen. I dream about that every single day. That said, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I know it will happen eventually. I can't stay locked inside my man-shell forever. However, I've learned not to impose artificial deadlines on myself.

In other news, my daughter takes her driving test in a couple of weeks, my son is spending his last summer of high school being a bedroom hermit and a screenager, and in another first, my daughter's boyfriend came to Nationals with us. He's a good kid and I like him, so I didn't really mind that much, except for the hug situation. "What's the hug situation," you ask? Allow me to elucidate.

At nationals, when the team finishes a number, all the parents go out into the hall and meet them. Usually we form an arch and the girls all run through it while we cheer. Then the girls meet for a few moments before finding their families. What always happens at that point is dad gets the first hug. It's an unspoken tradition between us. Are you sensing something different happened this year? You would be correct. What we had this time was after every number the girl walked right past her parents and straight into the arms of the boyfriend.  Didn't even look at us. I turned to my wife, who immediately recognized the look on my face, and said, "I don't know how to feel right now but I'm pretty sure I don't like it." I know the relationship is still new and shiny and they can't get enough of each other but I'm not used to having to share. It's going to take some getting used to...

Well, that's all for now. It's late and my bed is calling. We're a person short at work this week with someone out in vacation, so I'm having to do the work of two people at the busiest time we've had in quite awhile. The moment my coworker left last Friday I was instantly two days behind. So much fun.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

Happy nearly 1 year anniversary Jen!

It sounds like you have a busy active family life there. Don't be jealous of the boyfriend. THey come and go but you are who she will lean on when it inevitably breaks up. You are her rock.  She is just caught up in the excitement of a new relationship.

There is no rush to transition, I am 50 years in the making and I'm still not out ha ha!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Happy Susanniversary, Jen!

We have enjoyed having you with us and look forward to further adventures with you.

Impostor Syndrome is something we all have experienced at some point early in our transition. It is just our brain reminding us that we are not expressing our true selves at that moment. It is just one of those speed bumps we encounter on the road to accepting ourselves.

I've learned not to impose artificial deadlines on myself.

This is the key to success. You've got this.

[Finally Anna]

Didn't even look at us. I turned to my wife, who immediately recognized the look on my face, and said, "I don't know how to feel right now but I'm pretty sure I don't like it." I know the relationship is still new and shiny and they can't get enough of each other but I'm not used to having to share. It's going to take some getting used to...

Speaking from experience (more than one of them) I can say with confidence that if the bf is nice and respectful and treats the daughter well then the hug situation will resolve itself just nicely and you will feel good about the bf getting "first touch".

I really liked your post and there are many things I recognize in myself; the impostor, the pace, the mix of feelings, ...
Keep going, you are doing fine!

[KristaFairchild]

I really enjoyed your post and related to a lot of it. I laughed at the term hermit screenagers! I have a pair of them, identical twins. Our travels were for volleyball, but otherwise felt very similar to what you are experiencing. There were periods where I felt like they didn't really have parents with them. Despite that the rest of the team liked us! LOL

My friends, coworkers, and family never met Krista. Krista kind of slid on into their lives. Krista  kind of slid on into my life! Most of my transition was very slow and took about two years. My wife will tell you that it felt more sudden, because she didn't really notice until certain transition elements appeared - Even though we talked about it quite some time ago.

If I had a series of photos over the two years taken six months apart, the transition would be much more obvious. Now I'm at a stage where I'm about to add a wig and breast forms. Those aren't things I can really do halfway, But I'm adjusting by wearing skirts most of the time and doing my make up a little bit bolder. 

My experience is that all that teenage stuff does work its way out. My teenagers probably knew I was transitioning before anybody else. Kids these days know lots of students who are transitioning. I recall when I got my ears pierced my wife and I walked into the family room and sat on the couch beside one of my daughters. We both felt it was pretty obvious that I had earrings on. We probably sat there like silly older adults, smirking, and waiting for her to notice. When we finally pointed it out, she shrugged her shoulders, and said, "Well, yeah, I noticed right away".

It doesn't sound like it's the case, but it might be even a little bit cool if you didn't get a hug because only dad's get hugs. When I had a longer talk with my daughters about my gender, one of the few questions they asked me as if they could still call me dad. I said yes. I can see this may get more difficult as time goes on. I am perfectly ready to receive cards on Mother's Day and Father's Day! 

[Finally Anna]

When we finally pointed it out, she shrugged her shoulders, and said, "Well, yeah, I noticed right away".

They see, but they don't make a lot of noice about it. My daughters are older, around 30, but they also see - they see even if my expressions are much more subtle than yours.
I've also noticed that other people see, mostly it is girls/women in ages 18+ that "see". A young woman at a birthday gathering definitely noticed my jeans, an older woman at a party had a real look at my colourful trousers and the saleswoman in the grocery store looked me up and down (I had my femme sweatsuit on, it is a nice and stylish black one, and matching femme sneakers) and then looked me in the eyes. If I have ever been clocked as anything but my old male self then that was the time.

Men seem to be much less aware of how other people dress. That is a bit different from how I perceive peoples' choice of clothes/colours. I wonder why? 😉

[Anne_lifetrip]

Dear @Jen T.,
Your descriptions are extremely familiar...

One of the greatest things that ever happened to me was becoming a father. I love my kids

followed by

This is the part where I start to feel like a broken record; whingeing on about the same things all the time

The girls in this post have read and liked and commented sooo many times about me talking about the same thing, that I have the same feeling with a bit of guilt of being so repetitive 🫣.

So, thank you @Jen T. for the post and for sharing, and thank you all... @Stottie Girl, @KristaFairchild, @Lori Dee, @Finally Anna and so many other for being there. 🥰

[Finally Anna]

The girls in this post have read and liked and commented sooo many times about me talking about the same thing, that I have the same feeling with a bit of guilt of being so repetitive

Repeating a bit more then: We need to be a bit repetitive! To show support, to show compassion, to show empathy and understanding and to be a bit therapeutic with ourselves! Repetition works!
💕