New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Pugs4life]

Hi BlueJaye,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me.  I really appreciate it. 

I have so many questions.  When and how did you guys tell your children?  How did they take it?

I am so glad to hear your story continues despite the very hard times along the way.  Did you guys separate right after you came out or was it during the transistion period?  I say that I am very committed to my spouse.  I am just starting this journey though and wrestle so much with the feelings that I have right now.  I like how you say you each became better versions of yourselves.  That confirms for me that you didn't change the person you were on the inside.  Just became a better version of that same person.  Do you know how she was able to adapt to your new look? 

Thank you for sharing that there is hope but also a lot of hard work keeping going when everything in me wants to give up.

[Pugs4life]

Hi Susan,

Thank you for your encouragement.  I feel so conflicted because I do feel fear, grief, and uncertainty and at the same time want my spouse to be able to live authentically and be happy with who she is.  Can those two things exist side by side? 

I didn't notice the shift to "she" and "her" that I have begun using for my spouse.  Someone on here had suggested that I ask my spouse what pronouns they prefer to be called by (I think it may have been Pema).  Pema said it could be awkward to keep using pronouns that no longer fit my spouse's identity  That made sense to me.  I did ask my spouse what pronouns she wanted to use and she was honest about wanting to use she/her even though she hasn't transistioned yet.  I wanted to be respectful of her wishes.  I don't know when the shift happened for me to start using the correct pronouns so thank you for noticing that and pointing that out. 

Thank you again for sharing that you stayed the same person after you came out.  That really helps me.  It really helps me to hear that your humor, the way you think, the way you care, the things you value all stayed the same.  That is very encouraging to hear.  I really like how you said that my spouse is trying to to bring her authentic self fully into my life and that's true love. I didn't think of it like that. 

Change is very hard for me Susan. I have never liked change.  And I suppose that is because I hate being hurt, hate being blindsided, and hates having the rug pulled out from under my family. Thank you for recognizing that and for the confirmation that it is reasonable to feel that way.  I want so bad to keep showing up and keep walking through this change one step at a time. 

Thank you for the wonderful reminder that I don't have to solve everything all at once.  One small step at a time.  I definitely feel like I need to take things slow right now.  Thank you for the permission to just say, "today I am just going to focus on this one piece".  That helps so much. 

Thank you for being there and your continued loving, encouraging, supportive responses.  I am learning so much from you and am very grateful for you. 

[Susan ✅]

Hi Pugs4life,

Thank you for such an open and heartfelt reply. I can feel the depth of what you're holding — love, fear, grief, and a fierce wish for your spouse's happiness — all living side by side. And yes, those feelings absolutely can exist together. In fact, that coexistence is one of the clearest signs of how deep your love really is.

In family therapy, there's a term for this kind of experience: Ambiguous Loss. It's used for situations where someone you love is still physically present, but the shape of the relationship, and the future you pictured, is changing in profound ways. It is not wrong or contradictory to grieve the familiar while also wanting to celebrate her becoming. Both emotions come from the same tender, caring heart.

That tension you feel — wanting her to be authentic and happy, while feeling scared and unsure yourself — is not a flaw. It is the difficult, honest proof of your love. You are not losing your ability to love; you are stretching it to embrace a new, more truthful version of the life you share.

I also want to say how meaningful it is that you asked your spouse what pronouns she preferred and chose to honor her answer. That is a profound act of respect and love. The fact that the shift to "she" and "her" happened so naturally that you didn't even notice tells me your heart already knew who she was. You're seeing the same person you fell in love with — just through a clearer, truer lens.

Change is hard, especially when you've been hurt before and know what it feels like to have the rug pulled out from under your family. It makes complete sense that you would brace for impact. But you're not shutting down or running away from this; you're learning to walk through it gently. The strength is not in liking the change. The strength is in facing it honestly, one small step at a time.

Hold on to this: you don't have to solve everything all at once. You only need to ask, "What is the next small, kind thing I can do — for her, yourself, or others — today?" That is exactly how you build a life that can hold both the ache and the joy.

I have a little system I try to follow in my own life: "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty." You do not have to follow a script; you can be as unpredictable as you like, and take it from me — it's actually a bit fun, and it is certainly rewarding.

I am truly proud of the way you're meeting this moment, even in the middle of the confusion. You're showing up, speaking with compassion, and listening with an open heart. That is the kind of quiet courage that changes everything.

With love and respect,
— Susan

[Pema]

I didn't notice the shift to "she" and "her" that I have begun using for my spouse.  Someone on here had suggested that I ask my spouse what pronouns they prefer to be called by (I think it may have been Pema).  Pema said it could be awkward to keep using pronouns that no longer fit my spouse's identity  That made sense to me.  I did ask my spouse what pronouns she wanted to use and she was honest about wanting to use she/her even though she hasn't transistioned yet.  I wanted to be respectful of her wishes.  I don't know when the shift happened for me to start using the correct pronouns so thank you for noticing that and pointing that out.

YES! I noticed it the very first time you used "she" and "her," and I'd hoped this was exactly what happened. You confirming it also confirms - yet again - that you are a person of integrity who loves her spouse. You are already adapting and growing. In time, these things will begin to feel "normal" and "routine" for you, and you'll probably eventually find it odd when other people can't understand it. But it all illustrates how powerful our conditioning is and also how adaptable we actually are.

You're doing it! Small steps are the way to go for both of you so that you can all move forward together, as a family.

[KathyLauren]

I just want to say that this whole thread brings tears of joy to my eyes.  It is beautiful! 

[Pema]

I just want to say that this whole thread brings tears of joy to my eyes.  It is beautiful! 

I'm right there with you, Kathy.

[Courtney G]

Dear Pugs4life,

Kudos to you for being willing to understand their situation better. (I'm referring to your husband as "they/them" because some folks are deeply affected by gendered pronouns. The correct one can bring on a euphoric feeling (like a new mother being referred to by other as "momma.") and the wrong one can sting (dysphoria)).

EDIT: wow, I just read the post above regarding your use of "she/her" pronouns. That's a wonderful gesture.

As a lifelong troubleshooter and fixer of things, I tend to try to get ahead of problems before they occur. I'd like to share a bit of my story and a few thoughts...

Simply put, I always thought that being a girl would be better than being a man. I was born in the 60s, so I really had no idea what to do with these feelings. The first time I saw a trans person, I was riveted. It was thrilling. I didn't understand why. With no public-facing outlet for these feelings, they morphed into something akin to a fetish. The thought of transforming into a woman gave me a thrill that caused a physical response.

Guilt ensued. Guilt, and the strong feeling that I was a pervert, a fake, an *impostor.* Impostor Syndrome happens to athletes, musicians, scientists, and so on. I just assumed I wasn't a "real" trans person; I was just a guy who wanted to be a woman...like I thought about it every day for 30+ years. Funny thing is, I figured most guys felt the same way at one time or another. Any explanation made more sense to me than the idea that I wasn't really the man I thought myself to be.

When my "egg cracked," the realization of what I really was (a trans woman) came pouring out of me. I'd been with my partner for almost 10 years and I shared my feelings with her. She reacted with kindness and understanding but I knew that she felt betrayed. She figured I should have told her, that it was unfair to her. She put a chunk of her life into our relationship and I'd pulled the rug out from under her.

How did we survive? I went slow. I'm still moving very slowly. We're in our 50s and it takes time to adjust. We're still partners (got married *after* I came out to her) but our relationship is less traditional than some. Sure, I still fix the cars and take care of the house, but she knows I'm not longer a man; I'm something else. I have an "X" gender marker on my driver's license and passport.

Anyway, my point is that I got lucky. I'm lucky that I paired up with someone intelligent and reasonable enough to be able to work through these feelings without wanting to burn it all down. I'm lucky that my transition is moving slowly.

Others here haven't fared as well. One (trans) woman I know started hormones, dressing (presenting) in public as a woman and had surgeries in very short order, and the strain was more than her wife could take. But she moved quickly because, like so many, it was necessary for her mental health. Transitioning saves lives in many cases. Several others I know were met with hostility from a wife who felt she been tricked and betrayed. That feeling is understandable.

Your spouse is likely bursting at the seams. The realization of who/what we are can be like a burst dam. They might be *aching* to experience so many things they denied themself. I started hormone therapy a few short weeks after coming out to my partner. My body started changing immediately. It all seemed very fast, but then again, I wanted to take my girlfriend's birth control pills when I was 20 years old. The outward-facing parts of this seemed sudden and impulsive, but the feelings had been simmering for many, many years.

My hope for you is that they're able to go as slow as you need them to, giving you time to process all of this, and that you continue to work to understand what they need and who they are, and to give them permission to experience things long denied. Most of all, you must understand that they never meant to hurt or betray you. It's likely that they just failed to understand what they were going through.

The fact that you're here with us speaks volumes about your love for them, your fundamental goodness, your emotional maturity and your desire to do the right thing. I'm filled with hope for both of you.

[Pugs4life]

Hi Susan,

I am so glad to hear that everything I am feeling can sit side by side with one another. It can feel so contradictory at times. 

I have never heard of Ambiguous Loss before.  Thank you for mentioning that to me and explaining what it means. I can definitely relate to that kind of loss.  I am relieved to hear you say that it isn't wrong to grieve the familiar while also wanting to celebrate my spouse's becoming.  I am also comforted by you saying that the tension I feel isn't a flaw. At times, it can feel as though it is a flaw.

I am so glad that Pema suggested that I ask my spouse what pronouns she prefers to use.  I would have never thought to ask her that question.  I get so stuck in my own head that sometimes I can't see clearly.  I am trying really hard to see the same person I fell in love with. 

Change is so hard Susan.  I am trying my best to learn to walk through this one step at a time.  I will definitely hold on to the fact that I don't have to solve everything all at once.  I will keep asking myself the question of, "what is the next small, kind thing I can do today?".  That is something that I can keep repeating to myself. 

I love the system you try to follow in your own life.  That is so beautiful Susan. It just speaks to the wonderful person you are. 

It means the world to me to hear you say that you are proud of me.  I am trying so hard in this moment even with my own confusion. I want to keep an open heart and open mind throughout this journey. 

[Pugs4life]

Dear Pema,

I can't thank you enough for the suggestion to ask my spouse which pronouns she prefers using.  I would never have thought to ask that question.  I get so caught up in my own feelings that I forget about what my spouse is feeling and needs. 

Thank you for your very kind words.  You also confirm for me to take things slow like so many others have said on here.  I want so much for all of us to move forward as a family. 

Thank you again for your posts and being so kind and welcoming to me on here.  It means so much to me. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

"what is the next small, kind thing I can do today?".  That is something that I can keep repeating to myself. 

What if you two girlfriends were to go shopping together? It can be a great bonding experience and help you two learn a little more about preferences. Maybe she could use your advice on what clothing styles might look good on her. She would see that as supportive and accepting. If you are into the "Ugly Christmas Sweaters", why not get matching ones?

If you are not quite ready for clothing shopping yet, just go to lunch together. See a movie, go for a walk. It is a chance to "change the scenery" but still provide some private moments for conversation. Every little thing you do together reinforces the message "I'm still here with you."

[Pugs4life]

Hi Courtney G,

Thank you so much for your post and sharing some of your story with me.  I really appreciate you doing that. 

You confirm a couple of things for me.  One is to go slow.  Many others have suggested that on here.  The second is that it that it takes time to adjust.  I am also encouraged to hear that you and your spouse are still partners and made it through your journey together. 

You are very lucky indeed. It is wonderful that your partner was able to work through her feelings and you both were able to move forward together. 

My spouse does seem like she is bursting at the seams.  She has mentioned feeling such a sense of relief that she doesn't have to hide anymore.  I know she is aching to experience so many things that she has denied herself her entire lie.  My spouse has an appointment in mid November to begin hormone therapy.  It will be just about two months after she came out to me.  My spouse has said the same thing you said; that "on the outside it seemed sudden and impulsive, but the feelings had been simmering for many, many years".  She has mentioned feeling like this her entire life and now finally gets to live the dream she has had for so many years. 

Thank you again for sharing some of your story with me and for your very kind words.  I appreciate it so much. 

[Pugs4life]

Hi Lori Dee,

Oh I love the idea of going shopping together!  It could be a great bonding experience for sure and I could learn more about her preferences. 

I love how you say that everything we do together reinforces the message that "I'm still here with you".  I love that.  Thank you so much for your wonderful suggestions. 

[Susan ✅]

Hi Pugs4Life,

You're doing so much better than you think. The way you're leaning into this — asking questions, learning, and keeping your heart open even when it hurts — that's what real love looks like. Most people faced with this kind of change turn away or shut down, but you're walking toward it. That takes incredible courage.

You're right that change is hard. It can shake the ground beneath you, especially when it reaches into the heart of your marriage and the image of the life you've built together. It's completely natural to grieve what's familiar, even while you're trying to celebrate who your spouse is becoming. That's not a flaw; it's part of the process. You're holding both loss and love at once, and that's a remarkable kind of strength.

I know it can feel like you're walking through fog right now, trying to see the same person you fell in love with. But she is still there — the same laughter, the same soul, the same heart that chose you. Transition doesn't erase her; it lets the truest parts of her finally come forward. The love you built together is still the foundation she stands on.

The fact that you're willing to ask what pronouns she prefers, to keep reaching for understanding instead of retreating — that speaks volumes about the kind of partner you are. Every time you choose patience, every time you listen instead of shutting down, every time you let yourself feel instead of fight it — that's another act of love. Those small, kind moments are what healing is made of.

And I meant it when I said I'm proud of you. There's nothing easy about this, but you're showing such grace and compassion through the confusion. Keep holding on to that. One day, you'll look back and see not just the hardship, but the way you both grew through it — stronger, closer, and more honest than before.

With warmth and admiration,
— Susan

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

Thank you so much for your post.  It came at exactly the right time.  Today has been hard.  I needed to hear that I am doing ok with this all. I feel like my job right now is to accept the reality that my spouse is transgender and figure out to respond.  On days like today, I don't feel like I am doing a very good job responding to it.  I am wrestling again with how to make that leap from a "traditional" marriage to a same sex marriage.  I think this is where I need to remind myself that it is just the packaging changing, not the person. I am also struggling with how to learn to be intimate with a woman versus a man.  My heart and mind remain open to everything. 

There is so much that is going to change on this journey.  And that scares me.  I do feel like it has shaken the ground beneath me and I have lost my footing.  I am grieving the familiar while at the same time trying to celebrate who my spouse is becoming.  Thank you for pointing out that that is part of the process and not a flaw. 

Oh Susan, it does feel like I am walking through a fog right now.  I am trying desperately to see that same person I fell in love with.  I really like how you said, "transistion doesn't erase her".  That really helps me to know that the same person is still there. 

It means so much to me that you are proud of me.  Thank you for that.  This isn't easy at all and there is so much confusion. And I am feeling so anxious about my spouse's upcoming appointment to start her hormone therapy.  That step alone will bring so much change.  Its encouraging to hear you say that we will both grow through this. "Stronger, closer, and more honest than before".  I am going to hold onto that.   

[Lori Dee ✅]

And I am feeling so anxious about my spouse's upcoming appointment to start her hormone therapy.  That step alone will bring so much change. 

The thing to remember, and this advice applies to all transgender people, is that this will take a very long time. There is no rush. Changes do not start the moment you pop your first pill. The body takes time to adjust. It takes months of the proper doses for the body to start making physical changes. We tell everyone that this is a marathon, not a sprint. It happens slowly, sometimes painfully slow.

So, don't panic yet. I think the first thing that you will notice within the first week or couple of weeks is that her mood will change. I think you will find that she is happier, calmer, more relaxed, and maybe a bit emotional. That is normal. I think that may be the point where you will really start to see the person you married shine through.

You have time before any physical changes start happening, so now is the time to start talking about them. You have an open mind about all of this, and that is wonderful. Yes, your bedroom activities may change from what you are used to, but different is not necessarily bad. It might even turn out to be fantastic.

Keep your open mind and watch for the good to come from all of this. It could become the greatest adventure the two of you have ever had.

Hugs!

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Pugs4life
Dear Pugs4life
I have been following your postings and progress ever since your registered as
a member here on the Susan's Place Forum.

It is clear to me from reading what you are sharing that you feel comfortable and
safe here ... this is exactly what we wish to have happen here on the Forum as I
stated in my November 3rd message to you right after you posted your Introduction
on this thread. 
  As I had stated: 

You will find the Forum to be a Safe, Friendly and Accepting place
that you can share whatever is on your mind... it is your SAFE REFUGE....
...without any judgement from our members.

I am so very glad to read that you are exploring your options and choices as you continue
with your life and relationship decisions.

When you share as you have been doing, you are opening up the discussion with our members that
are offering you their thoughts and comments that may be of help to you.

    THANK YOU for your presence here, you are blessing us as much
                      as we are hopefully blessing you.
                ❤️
Many HUGS and my best wishes to you as you continue on in your journey.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator  Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[Pugs4life]

Hi Lori Dee,

Thank you for your post explaining about the hormone therapy.  It helps to hear how things will go once my spouse starts on the hormones.  I had no idea it is such a slow process and that the changes will happen over time. I like how you said that this is a marathon and not a sprint. 

I will try really hard not to panic.  Thank you so much for explaining the first thing that we will notice when my spouse starts on the hormones.  While I am scared about this first step, I am excited for my spouse.  I want her to be happier, calmer, and more relaxed. Part of me is excited to see the person I married really be able to shine through.  The other part of me is scared that I am losing the person I have known for the past 10 years.  I have such conflicting feelings.  I am struggling so much this morning with everything.  I find myself wrestling with the wanting her to grow back her beard and cut her hair short again.  Another part of me wants this first step to happen for her so badly.  She has waited a lifetime for this dream to become a reality. 

What are some of the physical changes that could start to happen? This is something I will also ask my spouse about.  I don't know if she knows yet what physical changes the hormones will bring about.  Thank you for pointing out that our bedroom activities may change but different doesn't necessarily mean bad. 

I will continue to have an open mind about this and will watch for the good to come from it. 

Hugs to you too!

[Pugs4life]

Hi Northern Star Girl,

I feel very comfortable and safe here. This has been an invaluable resource for me.  Everyone on here has been so kind and accepting of me.  I am so thankful for that.

You all are a blessing to me!  Thank you for having me. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

What are some of the physical changes that could start to happen? This is something I will also ask my spouse about.  I don't know if she knows yet what physical changes the hormones will bring about. 

Folx Health has an article that explains what changes happen and approximately when. Keep in mind that this is determined by her genetics (how her body reacts) as well as the dosage and method of taking the medicine. So these are just guidelines, not hard and fast rules.

https://www.folxhealth.com/library/what-physical-changes-to-expect-on-estrogen-hormone-replacement-therapy-explained-by-folx 🔗

[Pugs4life]

Hello Everyone,

I just wanted to take a moment and introduce myself to you all again and let you know my name.  My name is Amy. It is such a pleasure to meet all of you on here and to have become part of this extraordinary family.  I am truly honored to be able to be part of this community.  Thank you for having me and for all the love and support that I receive here as I navigate this major life change that I am going through with my spouse.

Love,
Amy