New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Pema]

Hi, Amy! It's wonderful to have a name to call you by.

You are not only welcome here, but you are already a fantastic member of our community/family. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly here. It literally improves people's lives.

With love,
Pema

[Susan ✅]

Hi Amy,

Thank you for reintroducing yourself by name — it is wonderful to be able to call you that. You have already become such an important part of this family, and it is lovely to see you stepping forward and letting people see a bit more of who you are.

I want to go back to what you wrote in your last response to me, because there is so much heart in it. You said you are trying to make that leap from what you think of as a "traditional" marriage to what you called a same-sex marriage. But the truth is, this is not about labels at all — it is about the vows the two of you made and the love that has always been at the center of them. You could even make a gentle joke that it is not a same-sex marriage so much as it is a same-soul marriage. The soul you fell in love with has not changed; it is simply living more openly and honestly now.

The person you married trusted you enough to come out — to lay bare the most vulnerable truth about herself. That kind of honesty deserves respect, compassion, and support, and you have given her all three, even while you are still coming to terms with what this means for your life together. That says an incredible amount about your strength and your heart.

I want you to know that you are not walking through this fog alone. Cynthia, the rest of the community supporting you here, and I are all standing together on the other side of the swamp, holding up lights to help guide you safely through. We cannot walk the path for you, but we will keep those lights steady so you always know which way leads out.

It is completely normal to feel shaken by change this deep. You are grieving the familiar while learning to see your spouse more clearly than ever before, and you are doing it with grace, courage, and honesty. Every word you write shows a woman who is still reaching toward love even through uncertainty. That is something to be proud of.

And I am going to remind you every time you get into this kind of mood that you do not have to have every answer right now. This is a process — one that unfolds over time and deepens as you both grow into this new chapter. Keep giving yourself permission to feel everything: the fear, the confusion, the gratitude, and the love. All of it belongs.

I am so proud of how you are handling this, Amy. You have shown empathy, thoughtfulness, and a genuine willingness to understand, even when it hurts and even when you are scared. You are standing beside Cynthia with compassion and integrity, and the two of you are walking together into a future that is completely new for both of you — but it does not have to be one you face alone.

With warmth and respect,
Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Hi Pema,

Thank you for your kind words.  I am truly honored to be a part of this community/family.  I feel safe and welcome here.  This has been a life line for me.  People like you make it so lovely here. 

With love and thanks,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Hi Susan,

Thank you for helping me see the truth that this isn't about labels at all.  It is about our vows and our love.  I meant every word of my vows to Cynthia.  And I love her so much.  I need to try to remember that the soul I fell in love with hasn't changed but is simply living more openly and honestly now.

I am truly honored that she trusted me enough to come out to me.  That wasn't an easy thing for her to do I am sure.  You are so right...that kind of honesty deserves respect, compassion, and support.  And I strive to give her all three of those things even while I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this and what this means for our life together. There is so much that I am feeling right now Susan. 

Thank you so much for letting me know that I am not walking through this fog alone.  I needed to hear that.  I am so grateful to Cynthia, this community, and you for being there, standing with me holding up lights so I can see to find my way through the fog to the other side.  I am truly grateful for all the support and encouragement I have right now.

It helps to know that it is normal to feel shaken by change this big.  Everything feels so hard right now Susan.  I feel so many things at the same time.  And, yes, I am grieving.  Grieving the familiar while at the same time trying to learn to see my spouse more clearly. Things are so uncertain right now.

Thank you for reminding me again that I do not have to have every answer right now.  That this is a process that will unfold over time.  My anxiety wants to solve everything all at once.  I need to remember to take small, gentle steps. I feel so much all at the same time right now.  Thank you for the reminder that it all belongs and to let myself feel it all. 

It means the world to me to say you are proud of the way that I am handling this.  I am trying really hard.  I am trying to learn and understand everything that I can.  I have done research, am reading books, and trying to ask the right questions right now.  I want to stand with Cynthia throughout her journey.  I want us to walk together into the future that is completely new for both us.  It is so comforting to know that it isn't something that we have to face alone.  That means alot.  Thank you for this community/family.  I would truly be lost without it. 

With love and respect,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Hi Amy,

I want to take a moment to reflect with you, because reading everything you've written since your first post has been extraordinary. The woman who arrived here unsure, frightened, and overwhelmed has already started transforming — not by rushing for answers, but by daring to stay present through the hardest parts. That takes more strength than most people ever realize they have.

When you first wrote, you were trying to understand what all this meant for your marriage — afraid that you might be losing your husband to something you couldn't quite see. What you've done since then is quietly, beautifully remarkable: you've learned that what you're *really* doing is growing alongside your spouse, not apart from her. You've gone from asking, *"What if I lose her?"* to saying, *"I want to walk with her into our new future."* That's real progress, Amy — the kind that changes everything.

You've also done something else very few people manage when they're hurting: you've stayed open. Instead of closing off or building walls, you've chosen to listen, learn, and keep your heart engaged. You've read, researched, asked questions, and reflected deeply. You've shown empathy even when your own emotions were tangled and raw. That willingness to keep your heart soft in the middle of uncertainty is pure courage.

You've learned that grief and love can coexist — that it's possible to miss the familiar while still reaching for the truth of who Cynthia is. You've begun to separate fear from fact, and to see that what's happening isn't a loss of love, but a deepening of it. Every time you talk about your vows, you remind both yourself and Cynthia that this marriage was built on something more enduring than appearance or expectation — it was built on *soul*.

And look at where you are now: you're aware of your anxiety, naming it, and learning how to slow yourself down. You've recognized that you don't need every answer right now. That's such an important shift — from trying to control every variable to allowing life to unfold at its own pace. That's the work of healing and acceptance, and you're doing it, Amy.

As you move forward, the focus will start to shift from survival to connection. The next steps are gentler ones — rediscovering joy together, finding small moments of laughter again, rebuilding a sense of *us* within this new landscape. Those moments won't erase the hard days, but they'll start to balance them.

You're already walking through the fog, and every time you write, it feels a little thinner. You see more light now, even if it flickers some days. You've done the hardest part: you started walking instead of standing still. The rest of us are still here — Cynthia, me, and this community — keeping our lights steady so you never have to lose your way.

You're doing just fine, Amy. Truly — especially in just a single week!

If you're willing, I'd love to hear how *your* appointment goes when the time comes — only what you feel comfortable sharing, of course. Whatever you choose, know that we're all holding you close in thought and wishing you calm and clarity as you take this next step forward.

With pride, admiration, and care,
— Susan 💜

[Courtney G]

I've been thinking about this thread, as so many of us have, and I figured I might share some nuts-and-bolts stuff about transitioning. Please keep in mind that Cynthia's journey is hers alone, as everyone's is, and the perspectives and possibilities I share here might not apply to her. Well, something probably will...

Physical transition/public presentation

As you may have already read, there will be physical changes. What they don't tell us is exactly how much we'll change. But the fact is, no one knows how much they're change until they go through it. Some folks lose weight, some gain it, some get curvy while some don't. They'll tell you that breast growth is very limited for transfeminine people, more so as they get older, but I'm in my late 50s and have been an exception to that rule, so anything goes. But yeah, most AMAB (assigned male at birth) people experience a level of changes that is easy enough to hide, for a surprisingly long time! And like cisgender puberty, it doesn't happen very quickly, taking 4 or 5 years or more to finish. So there will be opportunities to process changes and figure out when to stop hiding, if that's the goal.

Speaking of hiding, not everyone wants to, needs to or is able to achieve a public-facing transition. I'm coming up on 4 years of HRT and spend about 98% of my time in public as a "male." That works for me. It's easier and safer for now and it is better for my relationship with my wife. I'm fortunate in that I don't suffer as a result. Others wish to paint their nails, wear makeup and female-gendered clothing immediately. Many experience a strong need to do these things, and the healthy thing is to yield to the need. The only person who really knows what's feels right to do is the person who is transitioning. Most of us figure this out for ourselves (with the help of a therapist), then try to work out an understanding with our partner, if we have one. For some it's part time, for others it's occasionally, and for some there's no looking back.

Skin does indeed get softer. Body hair thins, muscles weaken. For most of us, this is the stuff we've dreamed about. Others choose to work out and maintain a harder body. Estrogen changes the calculus, of course.

Hair transplant technology has come a long way. For me, estradiol grew back a lot of hair, but transplant surgery did the heavy lifting. But there are excellent wigs out there and many wear wigs full-time when out and about. But I've encountered others who don't feel the need to deal with their hairline, which is great. Certainly, that doesn't determine someone's gender.

We do all of this stuff because it feels right. It feels good. Euphoric even. The thrill of it all can cause a confusing reaction for many, as body parts respond to the rush of excitement. Some feel very dysphoric about original equipment "parts" and seek gender confirmation surgery, while others are OK with all of it.

Facial feminization surgery is a bit of a process and it can be expensive, but many states require insurance to cover procedures under the "gender affirming care" umbrella. This can be a big deal for some, as the years of testosterone creates contours that are difficult to cover with makeup.

The reason for thinking about/doing a lot of this stuff is twofold:
1. Feeling good about yourself and wanting to see "her" in the mirror
2. Wanting to "pass" as female, to be seen as a woman by others

#2 is often the case because it's easier and safer in some locales to just blend in. And it sure feels good. Some folx are out and proud and refuse to comply with cisnormative standards for appearance, dress and behavior and don't worry too much about passing, but that's not for everyone.

Going out in public the first few times can be terrifying. Don't be surprised if she gets all dolled up, then backs out right as she's putting her foot out the door. In my opinion/experience, pushing her and telling her not to worry doesn't help. The best thing you can do is to let her lead.

Emotions/moods

As I understand it, estradiol doesn't make people emotional or bring on mood swings, but swings in hormone levels do, as bodies that were previously wired to run on testosterone are no exception when Mother E knocks on our door. Along with some of my friends, I've had to check myself when feeling extra weepy or fatalistic and remember "oh yeah, today is the day I'm supposed to change my estradiol patches." Conversely, I've had days in which I felt cheerful and calm and realized "this is that time in my medication cycle in which I think my levels are just right." This might be something you'll both need to be mindful of. As a cis woman, you're probably much more prepared to deal with it than Cynthia is at this point.

Intimacy

I won't say much about this, except to point out that Cynthia may experience waves of new feelings about herself that manifest in fears, desires or even apathy. Love and communication will surely help. Please understand that time is your ally. Giving her time to adjust and possibly figure out what she wants and needs, and how she's wired might be required. There will be changes, but living as one's true self usually connects one to their bodies in new and exciting ways.

-----------------

The most important thing to remember is that, as others have said, this does happen pretty slowly. Neither of you need to figure this all out right away. Give yourselves (and each other) the time and space needed to process what's happening. If you're fortunate, you'll be able to be present at a time when new and exciting changes are occurring. There will be rough days, but there are always rough days in life. The good days make it all worthwhile.

I had this on my mind and just spewed it out here, so it may or may not be stuff you're interested in, so please disregard if I'm being pedantic or irrelevant.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Good information, Courtney! Thank you.

I will mention that on breast growth, I was always told to expect to become one cup size smaller than my closest female relative. I was like, "YAHOO!" because they are all large-busted. My grandmothers on both sides, my mother and her sisters, even my aunts and cousins.

Alas, that is not the case. The truth is, genetics does play a major role, but genetics also skips generations. Most of my family, since my grandparents (both sides) are short and stocky. But my great-grandfather was tall and thin. My dad is tall and thin, and his older sister is tall and thin. So I am tall and thin, as is my daughter. But my son is short and stocky.

So, as Courtney pointed out, you won't know until you get there. And your puberty doesn't start until your hormone levels are at the proper level that your body needs to signal the changes.

[Pugs4life]

Dear Susan,

I am still finding that I scared, grieving, and confused.  The fog still seems to be there, just not as thick as it was. I definitely feel better now that when I first arrived here.  Everyone has been so helpful and has given me nuggets of wisdom to hold onto when the doubt and anxiety creep in. I am trying to learn and grow through this. 

I am so thankful that you have helped me to see that I am not loosing my spouse but rather growing alongside of her; not apart from her.  I want to grab her hand and hold on for dear life throughout this journey we are now on.  I find I am still quite apprehensive about the upcoming changes. I am used to how my spouse looks now and how she sounds.  I know the person she really is is on the inside and that is not going to change.  The physical is going to change so much though.  And change is so hard for me to begin with.  I have never handled change very well.

It is my desire to continue to remain open on this journey.  That is the only way I will be able to learn and keep my heart engaged.  It is important to me that I stay open and not close off or build walls.  My spouse needs me to be there for her throughout this and needs me to have an open mind and heart.  I truly want to be there for her through everything. 

I have learned that grief and love and can both exist at the same time.  That was very freeing for me to realize that.  That it is ok to miss the familiar while at the same time reaching for the truth of who Cynthia really is.  I like how you say that this isn't a loss of love, but a deepening of it.  At times, I feel closer to Cynthia more than I ever have been before. 

My anxiety likes to try to take over as I move through this.  I am trying to recognize it and remember to slow it down.  I need to keep reminding myself that I don't need all the answers right now.  Small, gentle steps right now.  I don't want to control every variable but allow life to unfold at its own pace.  I just need to remain present and open. 

It is so encouraging to hear you say that as I move forward, the focus will shift from survival mode to connection.  It is also encouraging to know that the next steps will be gentler ones. 

The fog does feel a little thinner than it did.  I do see more light than I did.  I know its there and I can actually see it now.  It helps to know that I have started to walk instead of standing still.  I guess that is the first step in processing all of this.  I had no clue what to do to begin to process everything.  I am so happy to hear that you are all there still keeping your lights steady so I don't lose my way.  I can't tell how much that means to me.  There are moments I think I am lost again, but I just need to look up and see those lights you all are holding up for me to see clearly. 

I would love to share how my appointment goes.  It is tommorrow morning at 9:30.  I am so thankful that you are all holding me close in thought and wishing me calm and clarity and I take this next step forward.  Thank you so much for that Susan. 

With much love and admiration,
Amy

[Pugs4life]

Hi Courtney G,

Thank you so much for your post!  There is so much wonderful information there that is very helpful to me.  I appreciate you taking the time to post all of that information. 

Thank you for confirming that this is a slow process and that neither of us has to figure this all out right now.  I definitely need the time and space to process what is happening.  This is all so new for me.  I know this is not new to my spouse though. She has felt this way for years.  The transistion process is still new to her though.  I am sure she has alot to process too. 

I am so glad that you shared what was on your mind with me.  It is so helpful.  Thank you so mcuh!

[Pugs4life]

Hi Lori Dee,

Thank you for that information on breast growth.  That is very helpful to know...to expect to become one cup smaller than your closest female relative. Thank you, too, for explaining how genetics does play a role but also skips generations.  I know Cynthia is hoping to be large breasted.  I think most of the woman relatives of hers are large breasted too.

It helps to know that puberty doesn't start until the hormone levels are at the proper levels.  I don't know much about this next step at all.  I appreciate the information very much. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

It helps to know that puberty doesn't start until the hormone levels are at the proper levels.  I don't know much about this next step at all.  I appreciate the information very much. 

This is from my own experience. For four years, I was frustrated with very little breast growth. Of course, I was expecting to be almost as big as my relatives. My aunt and my daughter do not have large breasts; we are the tall and thin ones.

I had several endocrinologists over the years, and they had a difficult time keeping my estrogen levels high enough, even after we got testosterone levels under control. I blamed my lack of growth on the low hormone levels. My Primary doctor suggested that I may be a "fast metabolizer". That means that my body processes some medications very quickly and eliminates them before they can do any work.

The solution was to stop the pills and patches and start injecting my estradiol into fatty tissue. That allowed my levels to increase into the normal range, where they belong. And what happened? My breasts started growing (after four years of taking hormones). I will never have large breasts like my relatives, but I also do not have the weight problems that they have either. Our bodies are built differently.

I hope this clarifies what I said before. It is good that you are continuing to learn. I have always said that you cannot have too much information.

Hugs!

[Pema]

Amy, even in your fog and confusion, you continue to share your own beautiful insights demonstrating rare wisdom and growth. Your awareness that your anxiety doesn't need to dominate your sense of self is huge. There are a lot of people who unable to see that in themselves or do but still can't seem to make different choices. Within all of this, your clarity about your love and commitment to sharing the journey with Cynthia absolutely shines through.

I feel so blessed and so honored to be a witness to your process. I suspect you don't realize the magnitude of this gift you're giving. I'm not prone to hyperbole, but you are truly elevating us all.

[Courtney G]

Amy, it's wonderful to engage with you here. The truth is, I think we're all moved by your dedication to understanding what Cynthia is going through and to figure out your role in all of this. It's way more productive that dwelling in anger, fear or denial.

Regarding losing your husband, the fears and the physical changes:

The strongest thing that always pops into my head when I think about this is "I'm still me! I'm still that person! If anything, I'm more of who I really am now than ever before." <deadname> doesn't get replaced by another person, they just get recalibrated to be more in line with their true sense of self. But no one goes away; we become more present.

We all have to deal with some internalized transphobia. I don't like the term, because it sounds like we're all "afraid of trans people." It's a simple word that's used to describe a complex situation. "Cisnormativity" suggests that there should only be two genders and that our gender must remain fixed from the moment some doctor looks at our anatomy and declares "It's a boy(girl)!" Study human history and you'll find that's not at all correct. But our culture is good at being intolerant of anyone who wants to rock the boat.

And the fact is, this is inconvenient. People can be unkind, or downright cruel. Who wants to deal with that, either first or second hand? No one really signs up for this.

To me, transphobia can be as simple as being uncomfortable with someone formerly known as a man changes their presentation. After all, that's usually reserved for sitcoms and horror movies. There's a long history of making a mockery of those who step outside of the gender they were assigned at birth, and most of us have learned from a very young age that it's bad/wrong/funny/embarrassing/weird, etc. There are some great books on this subject if/when you're interested. Feminist trans author Julia Serano posits that one reason people are uncomfortable is because they can't understand why a so-called man would choose to give up their male privilege. Society considers that a downgrade.

What I'm trying to say is (a) that your partner isn't going away and (b) your discomfort with the whole thing is a pretty common response. I'm very sure it's not for a lack of kindness and love, but you're swimming against a current that has been going in one direction for our entire lives. You're doing just fine.

Also: in her excellent book "She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders" by Jennifer Finney Boylan, the author describes her wife's despair over the fact that everyone is constantly checking to make sure she's supporting her former husband's transition properly, but no one is considering the fact that SHE also needs support, that she's the one who lost her husband (or something like that; I can't recall). So a little self care and a lot of support for yourself is something you must take the time to find.

[Pugs4life]

Hi Lori Dee,

Thank you so much for sharing more of your experience with me regarding the hormone therapy and breast growth. I really appreciate it.  You are absolutely right...I can never have too much information.   

Thank you again for sharing your experience with me. 

[ChrissyRyan]

Good information can be helpful, for sure. 

Chrissy

[Pugs4life]

Dear Pema,

Thank you so much for your very kind words.  They really mean alot to hear.

My anxiety is so high right now.  I struggled with anxiety before my spouse came out to me but this all has just sent it off the rails.  I am trying to recognize it and stop it before it spirals out of control.  Some days it is hard. 

I am very committed to sharing this journey with Cynthia.  I do truly love her and walk to with her through this journey that we are on. 

Pema, you are so very kind.  Your words touch my heart.  I don't realize what gift I am giving.  I feel like I am the one that is receiving a gift by having people like you on here to support and encourage me. You are all truly lighting my way right now. 

Much love,
Amy

[Susan ✅]

Hi Amy,

Reading your message tonight, I can feel how much thought and heart you're putting into every part of this. You're doing exactly what I hoped you would when we last talked — slowing the frame, breaking things down, and taking things one step at a time instead of trying to carry the whole mountain at once. That's what real progress looks like.

What you shared about feeling like you might be "losing your spouse to another woman" is not silly at all. It's a deeply human response that comes from an old wound — one that left a mark, and now this new experience brushes against it. It makes perfect sense that those memories would come up. What's different now is that this isn't a betrayal or an abandonment; it's your spouse trying to live truthfully with you still in her heart. The woman she's becoming isn't *replacing* the person you love — she *is* that person, finally becoming whole in a way that lets her love you even more fully.

You're already doing something beautiful: you're staying present, even when it hurts. You're showing courage by naming your fears out loud and letting the people who care about you hold some of that weight. That's how healing begins. Writing about them can help you understand them better. It does not matter if you share them here or not — you can keep them private in a journal.

And if you ever decide to write more about what you're feeling, don't worry about form or perfection — just let the words come. Writing can be like breathing room for your thoughts. Some people find it helps to start by describing a single moment: what triggered a strong emotion, what they noticed in their body, what memory it stirred. Others write letters they never send — to their spouse, to the person they used to be, even to the fear itself. It is not about the outcome, but the release that happens when you put the unsaid into words.

Sometimes, the act of naming an emotion on paper takes away a bit of its power. It lets you see that fear and grief are not endless shadows — they have shape, meaning, and limits. Over time, that practice can help you recognize patterns and moments of healing that might otherwise slip by unnoticed.

You've already shown that you have the insight and courage to look inward. Let your writing be a quiet space where no one else's expectations matter — just your voice, steady and true.

And when you feel like you are "too much on your mind" right now, that makes sense too. You have been carrying so many emotions, thoughts, and memories all at once. When something this big shifts your life, it is normal for your mind to feel crowded and loud. If it helps, let just *one* thought at a time have your attention — maybe by writing a few lines, or simply by taking a breath and saying, "This is what I'm feeling in this moment." There is no "too much" here. You are processing something enormous, and you deserve patience and gentleness from yourself while you do it.

Keep holding onto those small, grounding steps we talked about in my last message — focusing on what helps you feel safe and steady each day, and remembering that both love and fear can exist at the same time without cancelling each other out. One doesn't mean the other isn't real.

You're not losing her, Amy. You're both learning to love each other in a new light — one that's more honest, more vulnerable, and, in time, more peaceful than before. You don't have to have it all figured out yet. You're already doing the hardest, most important part: staying open when it would be easier to close off.

With warmth and care,
Susan 💜

[Pugs4life]

Hi Courtney,

It is really wonderful to engage with you on here as well.  I really appreciate you reaching out to me with your posts.  I am trying really hard to learn what Cynthia is going through and trying to figure out my role in it all.

Thank you so much for the confirmation that Cynthia is still her and the same person she has always been.  She was just trying to reassure me of that this afternoon.  I really like how you explain that <deadname> doesn't get replaced by another person but rather just recalibrated.  That is so comforting to hear that no one goes away.  That you become more present.  Thank you for those words.  They really help me. 

You are so right, Courtney...people can be so unkind and just absolutely cruel. 

I guess I am guilty of some form of transphobia.  I had not heard that word before.  I do get uncomfortable with my spouse who was formerly known as a male when she changes her presentation.  She has presented twice now as female.  And both times it was very uncomfortable and weird for me.  I don't mean to feel that way at all.  Its just the feelings that came out when she presented as female.  I suppose it is because we learn from a very early age that its bad/wrong/embarassing/weird etc... for someone to step outside of the gender they were assigned at birth.  Thank you for pointing all of this out.  I love to read and am very interested in any books that would help right now. Thank you for your author/book suggestions.  I really appreciate it. 

Thank you for confirming for me that my spouse is not going away and my discomfort with the whole thing is a common response.  I feel bad for feeling that discomfort as I love Cynthia so very much and want to show her my support in any way that I can. I will remember to do a little self care for myself.  I do find that I need alot of support right now. Everyone on here has been so wonderful.  Everyone is helping me to see so that I can find my way out of this fog (a metaphor Susan uses). 

Thank you again for your post.  I really appreciate it Courtney. 

Warmly,
Amy