Pugs4life - New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender

[Petunia]

Hi Amy, thank you so much for everything you have shared. (Thanks to Susan, Sarah and everyone else who has contributed, and obviously Cynthia.)

Amy your patience, your commitment to understand, your love and determination is an inspiration.

I don't know where I'm heading, but I do kind of know the shell I was born in is not really comfortable. I've fought to deny it, I've fought to be the "a big man" but it's never really been me.

I've had many wives of friends tell me I'm not like other guys and why do you hang around them.

And yet my wife fell in love with me. 

I have had this head full of pain that I never understood.
Depression, confusion, disconnection from the world. Times of not being able to communicate with the one person who really cares for me.

Such utter selfishness without knowing why.

Self hatred.

But my wife stuck with me. I really don't deserve such devotion and love.

And then I had an accident where I cheated death and awoke to see my wifes face and I knew that it's not about me.

It's all for her.


But now this thing that I have tried to bury has resurfaced and now it has changed.

I have spent so much time researching crossdressing and transgender information. Other peoples experiences, pathways and such. I'm still trying to deny what I am. I can't be. 

Transgender people know from when they are young. Don't they?

Surely you wouldn't put somebody else through something like this.

And yet, here I am.

After all I've read I deep down know this is part of me. I don't want it to be but it is. I do so much need peace in my head and I need to be able to look in the mirror.

I need to be able to see something that doesn't make me sick.

I need not to shower in the dark.

But above all this I need to keep my marriage together.

The person she met and fell in love with is still the same, it's just the outside bit that doesn't fit.

I don't know where I'll end up, I don't know if she can still be with me, I don't if I can live with myself, but I do know without her my life will be broken.

Thank you again Amy for given me hope

[KristaFairchild]

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I have spent so much time researching crossdressing and transgender information. Other peoples experiences, pathways and such. I'm still trying to deny what I am. I can't be. 

Transgender people know from when they are young. Don't they?

Hi Petunia,

I relate to your words deeply and agree that Amy's posts are illuminating. I'm glad that my shares support her as hers support me. 

I didn't know until I was over 50. On bad days that makes me think I'm ________ (delusional/mentally ill/a faker, etc.). Two self-help workbooks and countless conversations later those bad days recede. 

It threatens my marriage. There is hope but not commitment. Yet? But I can't go back. Not even for my wife, marriage, and stable life. 

That's clear evidence. 

The good days grow more numerous and Amy provides the best perspective I can find anywhere. My wife is still here and counseling is helping us. My mirror rarely shows the cross-dressing imposter it used to, replaced by Krista. By me 💝 Of course, it's not the image that changed. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

I have spent so much time researching crossdressing and transgender information. Other peoples experiences, pathways and such. I'm still trying to deny what I am. I can't be. 

Transgender people know from when they are young. Don't they?

Not me. I had no clue until I was almost 60. As I told in my story, I was retired, divorced wife #3, and moved out of state to start a new life. And yet, I was not a happy person. I struggled to figure out why. As a retired hypnotherapist, I know the coping strategies and how to locate what was triggering my unhappiness.

I decided that the issue cannot be with everyone else. I had three wives and several girlfriends in between, but relationships just didn't work for me. How can I blame all of them when I am the common denominator in each of those relationships? That got me into therapy to figure out what was wrong with me. And when I got the diagnosis, I rejected it. No way, not me!

So it is not about an age when we knew. I think it is that life circumstances guided us to notice how different we are, then pushed us further to investigate the "why me." Some people claim they knew when they were four years old. At four years old, I barely knew who I was, let alone what I was. By 5, I only knew that I enjoyed playing with the girls more than the boys. But I had no clue why.

[KristaFairchild]

Not me. I had no clue until I was almost 60. 

After doing a lot of self work, I am absolutely convinced that I was blocked from seeing my gender by the culture that I grew up in, And basically lived in until I was over 30. 

I vehemently and angrily opposed any sort of feminine attribute or clothing. Hand me a purse and asked me to hold it? Hell, no. 

I cannot think of a better time to quote Shakespeare. 

"Me thinks the lady dost protest too much."