Did you lose some family from transitioning?

[CosmicJoke]

Hi everyone. The answer for me is a definite yes but my important family remained intact. My mother, father, and brother all accept me though it was a long road to get to that point.

My extended family relations are more difficult. I have deceased grandparents from my father's side that never really accepted me. I have a cousin who my mother favors over me despite her getting a DUI several years ago. I also have an aunt I don't speak to because she's a religious zealot and we just stopped getting along several years ago.

I'm just genuinely curious what your family relations are like? I feel like mine aren't worth going back to "the way they were," but did you lose some family from transitioning?

[Lori Dee ✅]

did you lose some family from transitioning?

Almost all of them. I am the oldest with two living younger brothers. The second-oldest and I had a falling out decades ago and haven't spoken since. He is a retired Methodist Pastor, so I am sure my transition gave him plenty to gossip about. I came out to my youngest brother because he and I were always very close. Also, a religious fanatic. We haven't spoken in a few years now. His final words to me were, "You are an abomination in the eyes of God, and I am angry!" My response was that he feels that way because he knows nothing about the subject. He has no authority to speak on behalf of God, and I love you, brother. He hung up.

My stepmother accepts me unconditionally. I think she is secretly pleased to have another daughter. My father tries to remain civil, but his comments make it clear he does not accept me for who I am. My uncle, dad's brother, doesn't care. He has always been there for us kids, and he said it is my life to live however I choose, and he will love me no matter what. We are not in contact very often, so he often misgenders me, but that is just old habits. His daughter, my cousin, is the same way. We have always been more like siblings than cousins growing up. She tries extra hard to call me Lori and gender me correctly, again, it's just old habits. Since we are not in constant contact, it is easy for them to forget.

I have a very large family here in Colorado, and I am not in contact with many of them. They are all die-hard Trump cultists (including my dad), so we really have nothing to talk about. I have other aunts, uncles, and cousins scattered across the country, but we have never stayed in touch, so I don't feel like I am missing anything.

I am not in contact with any of my pre-transition friends, so they may not even know. They never tried to stay in touch with me, so I returned the favor.

My philosophy is:

"If my absence doesn't matter, then my presence didn't matter."

[KathyLauren]

I didn't have much family to lose.  My parents both died before I transitioned.  I have two brothers.  I thought I might lose one of them, but he has hung in there.  We aren't close, but we still exchange friendly, chatty emails on Christmas and birthdays.  I have two cousins, one of whom I met 30 years ago.  We never communicated, so there was nothing to lose.  I had another cousin, but he died before I transitioned.  His wife and I are still in contact on Facebook, and she is fine with me.

So it's all as good as it could be.

[big kim]

Not got a big family but all were OK with me. Discovered  more family as Grandad was disowned by 2 of his sisters for marrying a Catholic after the first war.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

Yes, in answer to the subject title of this thread/topic,
my parents and most of my closest friends from high school and early
college friends ...are no longer talking to me. 
I grew up in a small very rural conservative Eastern Montana rancher and
farm town so that probably one of the big reasons. 
Once I moved out of town to a different and larger city to go to University,
that all changed for the better.

The biggest hurt I had was that my father, after I have been full time
for 10+ years has barely ever talked to me.  When I call my aging parents
on the phone during special holiday times and birthdays only my mother will
only very briefly speak with me with restrained conversation.  Even on my
occasional visits to the family ranch, only my mother will actually talk
to me.
 
My father is getting up in years and he has been in very poor health so I
really don't want an unhappy relationship to continue.

I send him and my mother birthday cards and other brief notes and letters
and my mother tells me that he will not even read them.

I am obviously very saddened by this, my heart sad but it is also full
of forgiveness... I do not wish to have any regrets if and when he is no
longer with us....  sad face

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Everyone

Long story short, my family totally accepts me.  I am really sorry to read how much hurt some of you have gone through with family. My story is different, I know I have been very fortunate.
Not long before I changed my life around my uncle and I discussed the issue of me dressing as a female.  So he and his wife were the first to know about me and were totally accepting.  We both discussed who in the family would and would not accept me for what I was doing.  Although I'm not sure if we discussed the dynamics if I did change my life around, although I did not keep a list of what we discussed, in general the majority of the family would be accepting.

When I changed my life around, I was going to leave my family and friends behind and not tell them what I was going to do and where I was going.  However, because of the family pressure my uncle revealed what I was doing.  In addition I ensured no one was around when I had surgery even my uncle who first knew about me, although he wanted to be there when I had surgery.

The question is why did I follow this particular path?  I supposed it was to remove myself from all the questions and negative consequences?  I don't know, maybe it gave them time to think, she has done it and there is nothing we can do to change that and it gave them time to accept me for who I am.  Maybe I did not force the issue face to face before I was ready, I suppose the distance I created allowed my family members time to adjust before I reconnected with them.  Or maybe when I did reconnect I brought a stable, ordinary life , which made it easier for my relatives to think "she is fine".

Sometime in 1992 I caught up with one of my Aunts for a cup of coffee and it was just another get together.  Then I caught up with my mum in late 1993 and she accepted straight away by hugging me and saying she missed me.

After that I was meeting up with various other members of the family one at a time and as far as I know, there were never any problems.  One time there was a big gathering of family members on the Sunshine coast here in Australia and it was a morning breakfast and I was present and the first time Sarah was amongst a large gathering of family members.  Just like old times as if I had never left.

One of my cousins there had said to me:  "You look so much better".  Other times like pool, dress up, birthday, dinners, Christmas and my 40th birthday parties come to mind and there was never a problem with my presence amongst family gatherings.

My father died when I was 14 and I have no idea what his views would have been.  In addition my paternal grandparents were not even alive then.  My maternal grandparents it was hard to say for my grandfather and I did ask my uncle what his dad was thinking about what I had done, although there was a slight sense of yes.

I was close to my grandfather, he taught me to drive a manual and I helped him build his house.  As for my grandmother, I don't know, sometime when I was visiting family, she was under the care of a different uncle (not that one) and aunt and she had dementia and eventually she passed away.

There was one slight hiccup in total acceptance and it involved one of my brothers.  When I was seeing my first psychiatrist, he was pushing me to reveal myself to my family especially one of my brothers, he was estranged or sort of the black sheep of the family and a real man and it was doubtful if he would accept me even my uncle and I had pegged him for not accepting.

So I said to my psychiatrist, I'm not telling him and it doesn't matter as the family had found out about me as a result of my uncle telling my mother.  However, after basically avoiding my brother, not deliberately one of my other brothers set up a meeting, I was ambushed so to speak and there was no problem with his acceptance as he greeted me warmly, later on when I visit him on his property he will come and give me a wonderful hug.  So talk about trepidation!

So why the total acceptance of my family?  I guess my family is one of those where they are broadminded so to speak, without delving into it any deeper and we have family members who are gay.

I guess the one member of my family who stood out in her acceptance of me was my mother and that was plainly revealed in her cards and letters to me and in one particular card she said:  "All I ever wanted for my children to be happy, healthy and to always know where they are.  So take care my daughter Sarah of yourself. Love mum & Tia".  So yes, she loved me unconditionally.

I'm extremely lucky in my family's acceptance of me and I guess it has contributed to my well being as well.  My experience does not sound typical and I truly wish everyone here had families this accepting.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

[Allie Jayne]

I am lucky to live in an accepting country as Aussies are pretty laid back. The only wrinkle on my coming out at age 65 individually to my family members was one of my brothers felt really guilty how he had not been able to support me when I was younger.

One of my brothers still struggles with my name and gender, but he hugs me every time we meet. I did have to unfriend my Godson on social media as he lives in a really redneck community and often made anti trans posts, but he enthusiastically hugs me any time we meet.

I stressed to my family that I was the same person they had always known, just a bit different in appearance, and this may have made it a bit harder for them to treat me differently. I don't really care about being occasionally mis named and mis gendered by some of my family because I know they still love me and I them.

Hugs,

Allie