Hi everyone, I'm Jeri.
I'm in my early 50s and beginning what is, for me, a late-life journey toward embracing my gender identity. I've been in ministry for over 30 years in an ultra-conservative denomination, and I've been wrestling with who I am for more than four decades. I first tried to transition in my early 30s, and since then I've been on and off HRT three different times—always stopping out of fear of losing my marriage, my family, and the calling that has shaped most of my adult life.
Over the past 25 years I've seen five different counselors about my gender identity. All but one diagnosed me with Gender Identity Disorder/gender dysphoria, and three of them wrote letters recommending HRT. Only one ever told me I just needed to "change my thoughts" about being a woman. Sadly, that's similar to what I hear at home. Just last week my wife told me I need to "get over the thought of being a woman," and yesterday when I admired a cute top and said I'd love to wear it, she quickly shut it down with, "You don't wear that kind of stuff."
My wife has known about my gender struggles for over 20 years, but she believes all of this is a deception from Satan. She has asked me to seek counseling to be "cured" and has threatened divorce more than once if I move forward. Our children are grown now, but the emotional complexity is still very real and heavy.
Despite all this, over the past few years I've slowly begun allowing myself more authentic expression. I shave my legs, get professional pedicures regularly, and keep my toenails painted. My ears have been pierced for over 30 years, and I've started wearing earrings again more often(I'm wanting to get doubles or triples done). I now wear women's shorts, jeans, leggings, skirts, and tops when I'm able, along with sandals, boots, and other women's shoes. At home I sleep in nightgowns—some simple, others a bit more feminine—and I wear only women's underwear now. These small steps bring a sense of peace I've long needed but kept buried.
At this stage of my life, hiding is becoming spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. The moments when I can live even a little more as myself feel life-giving, and I'm trying to find a way forward that honors my identity while navigating the very real challenges of marriage, ministry, and faith.
I joined Susan's Place because I need support, guidance, and community from people who understand this journey—especially those who have faced transition later in life or who have had to balance identity with career, family, and faith. I'm hoping to learn from the experiences here, to find encouragement on the days I feel overwhelmed, and to offer support to others where I can.
Thank you for welcoming me. It means more than you know.
— Jeri
