Getting pronouns right - a tip to get people started

[Courtney G]

Addressing people using their desired pronouns can be a challenge if you've known them for a while. That challenge seems to compound with age. Even trans people can misgender other trans people from time to time. I have a small suggestion that has helped me:

About a year into my transition, I was really considering my pronouns, not sure if I wanted to be a "he", "she" or "they." I started to pay more attention to everyone's pronouns, especially those of other trans people, since I joined support groups and online spaces. Sort of organically, I started leaning into "they" as a way of referring to people who I don't know, who've not yet told me how they'd like to be addressed.

The more I did this, the easier it got over time. My goal now is to consider everyone a "they" until they tell me otherwise. That pronoun doesn't seem to offend anyone, it works in regular conversation and it gives them agency over their identity, which is something I think all people deserve.

If you're interested in becoming more flexible with pronouns, I think this practice will help you.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Thanks, Courtney!

This is helpful advice. I have found that I do the same thing with people I don't know well.

[Devlyn ✅]

Calling people by their pronouns can be a challenge if you've known them for a while. That challenge seems to compound with age. Even trans people can misgender other trans people from time to time. I have a small suggestion that has helped me:

About a year into my transition, I was really considering my pronouns, not sure if I wanted to be a "he", "she" or "they." I started to pay more attention to everyone's pronouns, especially those of other trans people, since I joined support groups and online spaces. Sort of organically, I started leaning into "they" as a way of referring to people who I don't know, who've not yet told me how they'd like to be addressed.

The more I did this, the easier it got over time. My goal now is to consider everyone a "they" until they tell me otherwise. That pronoun doesn't seem to offend anyone, it works in regular conversation and it gives them agency over their identity, which is something I think all people deserve.

If you're interested in becoming more flexible with pronouns, I think this practice will help you.

Better than that, I misgender myself from time to time! 🤣

Hugs, Devlyn

[CosmicJoke]

Calling people by their pronouns can be a challenge if you've known them for a while. That challenge seems to compound with age. Even trans people can misgender other trans people from time to time. I have a small suggestion that has helped me:

About a year into my transition, I was really considering my pronouns, not sure if I wanted to be a "he", "she" or "they." I started to pay more attention to everyone's pronouns, especially those of other trans people, since I joined support groups and online spaces. Sort of organically, I started leaning into "they" as a way of referring to people who I don't know, who've not yet told me how they'd like to be addressed.

The more I did this, the easier it got over time. My goal now is to consider everyone a "they" until they tell me otherwise. That pronoun doesn't seem to offend anyone, it works in regular conversation and it gives them agency over their identity, which is something I think all people deserve.

If you're interested in becoming more flexible with pronouns, I think this practice will help you.

I think that way too but some people just live in a "he" or "she" world unfortunately.

I've experienced being called "he" when it was specifically told to that person I'm a "she."

I think as transgender people we are more sensitive to that but of course that's not always the case.

[KathyLauren]

I misgender myself from time to time! 🤣

Whew!  Glad I'm not the only one!

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Whew!  Glad I'm not the only one!

Me too lol! Usually when I slip into autopilot. It's getting better. So I do cut other people a lot of slack for misgendering me.

[Courtney G]

I think as transgender people we are more sensitive to that but of course that's not always the case.

It seems that it's because cis people usually have the privilege of not having their gender challenged. And we know that people will misgender trans people just to be mean and/or controlling.

[Sephirah]

I tend to not use pronouns at all until the person in question does. I have found it's often easier to lead people in conversations to the point they express themselves, and you just affirm that. There are a lot of neutral questions or conversation topics you can put forward to gauge how someone else wants to be seen, and then go from there. I've found the biggest thing with understanding other people is allowing them to let you.

[ChrissyRyan]

I call out or mention people by their names in most cases.