What do you make of this?

[Petunia]

I was at my doctors a few days ago for a routine appointment in drab.
I had my ears pierced 6 months ago and have been letting my hair grow a bit, but it's obviously a men's cut.
At the end of the consult I said to my doctor I had to run for another appointment. He asked what it was.
"Are you getting a tattoo?" I laughed that off.
"Are you going to the hairdresser?" Again laugh and said no.
"Are you getting your nails done?" I was thinkimg WTF and where has this come from.

I made up a story and left.
(Left for laser hair removal)

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Petunia
Dear Petunia:
My thought is that you missed a golden opportunity to come out to your Doctor.

You have already given clues to your possible plans for MTF transitioning with your
pierced ears and longer hair. 
It appears that your doctor's questions already somewhat confirms that premise.
      Hairdresser?  Nails?

Please keep your updates coming.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[VictoriasSecret]

My question would be - what was the motive for the Dr asking so many questions?

As @Northern Star Girl pointed out, perhaps they were fishing for confirmation of what they were suspecting.

In reality, the Dr should have left it at one question and not pushed any further.

Do you know if your Dr and the practice are LGBTQIA+ friendly?

Here in Australia, we have Dr / Patient confidentiality and by law, Dr's are forbidden to disclose any information regarding their patients without their consent so anything that is discussed with your Dr or staff is held in strict confidence.

Perhaps searching for another GP that is more within alignment of your medical needs would alleviate some of the stress and concerns you might be having.

You shouldn't have to make up stories to appease your Dr.

Blessed Be.

Victoria

[Petunia]

Hi Danielle,
I agree with you. I think he suspects something.
He previously commented on my earrings as it is kind of out of character for how I've presented for the last 15 or so years.
I should also say I have no body hair from my eyebrows down so my hairless arms and legs are probably obvious if you look.

Victoria, I also agree with you. I'm fairly sure the practice is friendly but I really need to dig around a bit more first. And I am in Australia too. 
I was actually seeing my doctor for a referal to a pyschologist for unrelated things. He previously gave me a long list of male and females physch's and I have just noticed this time they are all women. 
I really other peoples points of view to see if you drew the same conclusions.

Asking once, ok. But asking three times and including options, hmmm.
I don't think he meant to be rude as we are quite good friends and bump into each other outside work from time to time.
I dont want to admit anything to other people until I discuss this more with my wife as I have just discovered the gender dysphoria bible and pretty much the whole thing refers to me. Im still trying to get my head around it whilst coping with.gender euphoria.   

I have written about what's going on in introductions, under pink fog.

Thankyou girls.

PS. I keep eyeing my wifes hrt and thinking, maybe I could...
Don't worry, I understand liver issues and the need for monitoring and everything in that direction has to be my wifes decision but I do like the idea of a very low dose to see how I feel. Maybe my depression stems from that and my undiagnosed ADHD.

[Paulie]

Dear Petunia,

My guess is he knows more than you think.  I'm sure he knows how hard it is for someone considering MTF to come out to a male doctor.  I had (still have) a female GP and it was difficult to say what I needed to say at the end of my annual wellness checkup.  The appointment was pretty much over and she was about to leave the exam room when I stopped her and said there was something else.  I had been going over in my head for months leading up to the appointment and still I almost let her walk out without saying anything.  If I still had my male GP (from a number of years before), I don't think I could have broached the subject.

I'm going one step farther than Danielle.  I think he was attempting to broach the subject for you, while in a discrete way, though, trying not to make you any more uncomfortable than one would naturally be.  You said that, you and he "are quite good friends".  Sometimes, quite good old friends are the hardest to talk about this with.  Perhaps he was trying to let you know it was okay.

Like I said above, I'm just guessing.  There's very little here to go on for anyone but you, to really figure out.  You're going to have to make the best call on the relationship and proceed from there. 

You should not be trying to appease your doctor; you should be open with him.  That said, my advice is that if you have the opportunity to discuss your possible MTF feelings with your doctor, take it.   

Warm Regards,
Paulie.

[Petunia]

Thanks Paulie

This should now be a separate pist.  Things are getting more complicated on the home front.

I went to a Lady Gaga concert over the weekend with ny wife and some friends.

I wore fishnet tights, tight exercise shorts, a gaga top and sparkly jacket. Way more femme than anything I've ever worn out of the house with my wife.

It was a great night and I had more female attention than I've had ever before. (I think there was a assumption I was gay and was then safe to them)

My wife was rattled at how confident I had become compared to normal. I've tried to explain it was just me going I don't give a F at what anybody thinks, but she can't get past the personality difference I had compared to the normal cowering introvert I usually am.

I know most of the girls here have gone through the talk thingy so now I am too.

I've just had the no dressing out of the house rules put out there. The your panties and hose make you look like a . The are you gay (again) comment despite my assertions, and finally you have to wash your clothes yourself. Even how can you wear Those panties even though she bought them for me 20 years ago.

Obviously this has come from my percieved enjoyment and confidence of they way I was dressed even though I was presenting as male and in a positive diverse, empoworing crowd.

So I was pretty much given an ultimatum
 
I could go on but all the girls here who have been at the edge of the looking glass know where I am.

So despite the weekend euphoria, it's a bitch of an end to the weekend.

Peace to anybody who reads this

[Allie Jayne]

Petunia, please don't read too much into the Dr's questions, they may have been in jest.

My boss was showing her new manager around our workplace, and she introduced me and quipped that I "was so busy I won't have time to get a sex change this year! " 6 weeks earlier, I had come out to my supervisor, but swore her to secrecy, so my first thought was that she had mentioned it to our boss. I confronted her with this later in the day, and she assured me she hadn't said anything to anyone, and couldn't believe the coincidence when I told her what had happened.

5 months later I came out to my boss, and she was surprised. I reminded her of her quip, and she genuinely couldn't remember it, saying it was probably just a joke. I still wonder, given the timing, that I had started HRT recently, if it was really just coincidental, but I had no reason not to accept it.

Yes, there could have been hundreds of small hints that I was trans over the years I had worked for her as I did keep my hair long and body hairless, and I am soft and sensitive, but it was such an odd thing for her to say to someone I was meeting for the very first time.

Hugs,

Allie

[ChrissyRyan]

I hope all goes well over time for you Petunia!


Chrissy

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Everyone

An interesting question, "What do you make of this?" and I have read the replies in regards to this issue and they do matter, as each of you highlighted different aspects of what may have been going on.

Danielle and Paulie, I agree it is entirely possible that the doctor suspects more than he lets on and that his questions may have been an attempt to open the subject indirectly.  Victoria, I also agree that being asked once is reasonable and that being asked repeatedly with suggested options does change the dynamic and raises legitimate questions about boundaries and of course Allie's point of not reading too much into what was said.  I know as I have been in several instances, not that I can remember anything specific, where something was said and I was wondering if they knew.

However, I never say anything and if they knew they knew and if they did not then they did not, as there is nothing that I can do either way.  It reinforces for me that comments and questions can be ambiguous or coincidental, but once confidence or visibility changes, meaning is quickly assigned by others and the consequences can extend well beyond the original interaction, which is why I am careful about what I disclose and when.

Taking all of that into account, I want to clarify where I am coming from and how I have handled similar situations to those Petunia has described, as my response is based on long standing practice rather than uncertainty or fear.

By nature I do not disclose my past or my medical history unless there is a clear and compelling reason to do so.  That has been consistent throughout my life.  When I first changed my life around, a small number of doctors necessarily knew about my condition at that time.  Outside of that initial period, disclosure has been extremely limited and deliberate.

Even during colon surgery I did not disclose, as it was not relevant to the procedure.  Separately, I have undergone investigations such as MRIs, ultrasounds and X rays without disclosure and without issue.  More recently, when I was admitted to hospital regarding my chest, I was asked whether I had ever had any major surgeries.  I answered no.  The reason was simple.  The admission related to my chest, not my private anatomy and my privacy in that regard remains absolute.

There are only four doctors I have told explicitly in the past three years and that was done for very specific reasons.  In those cases it was made clear that this information was to be kept absolutely private and not recorded on national systems.  I do not have a My Health Record and I have not joined MyMedicare for that reason.

In other situations, only a handful of doctors have ever known about my condition and that was during the initial period when I changed my life around.  Outside of that, I rely on prepared responses when questions arise.  On the rare occasions I have been questioned about hormone dosage, both times by pharmacies, my response has been consistent.  My medical condition requires hormone replacement and my doctor is aware of my condition.  That has always been sufficient.

I am also fully aware that there are certain medical conditions and treatments that differ between male and female biology and I take that into account when assessing risk and medical relevance.  Where disclosure is medically necessary, that is a separate decision.  Where it is not, privacy remains paramount.

This approach has worked well for me for decades.  It is not avoidance.  It is risk management based on lived experience.

So when you ask, "what do you make of this?" and after considering all of the perspectives, my conclusion is that the doctor's questions may well have come from awareness or trying to support you in some indirect manner.  In Australia (I'm an Aussie) and others here have mentioned that Patient confidentiality in Australia is legally mandated and is considered a fundamental duty for healthcare professionals.  It is protected under the Privacy Act 1988 and various state laws, ensuring that personal health information is kept private unless specific legal exceptions apply.  That does not automatically create an obligation for you to disclose.  For me, maintaining control over what is shared has always been essential to me and my privacy and there is no reason that justifies changing that approach.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.  Hearing how others interpret the same situation has been genuinely useful in clarifying my own thinking.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Northern Star Girl @Petunia @Allie Jayne @Paulie @VictoriasSecret

[Allie Jayne]

@Sarah B , I would caution people to be open with their medical providers unless there was a significant risk of exposure. In the instance of being asked if you had a previous operation before a current surgery, the anaesthetist needs to assess your tolerance for periods of anaesthesia, should your procedure strike complications and take longer than expected. These people have out lives in their hands, and we should give them every opportunity to make correct decisions for us.

After much pondering I am still perplexed at what people really think of me. While in my male life I was seen as physically strong and decisive, I was also very open with my sensitivity and empathy, my more typical female interests like childcare and sewing. My female coworkers on many occasions included me in intimate discussions no man would be privy to. Yet, when I came out, they were all very shocked, saying they had never guessed I might be trans.

From this, I realised it was not worth being confident about others thoughts. That doctor may have been fishing, or providing an opportunity for Petunia to come out, but might also have just been making idle comments. I couldn't say for sure, so you would need to weigh up the particular situation to commit.

Trans people live with an extra layer of anxiety, and we tend to be over critical about many things, including ourselves. It pays to recognise this and use it to temper our reactions to such things like comments. We often dwell on remarks for months that the person forgot within minutes of saying them.

Hugs,

Allie

[ChrissyRyan]

I am pleased with the medical staff I have seen. 


Chrissy

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Allie

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I understand the concern behind what you are saying and I appreciate you explaining your perspective.

Just to clarify some factual points from my own experience.  Apart from my GRS, none of the doctors involved in my other surgery or procedures were aware of my medical condition.  When I had surgery at thirty two and later two colonoscopies, I was not consulted by the anaesthetist beforehand in any of those cases.  I was never asked about prior operations or tolerance to anaesthesia.  Had I been asked, I would have answered honestly based on what I knew at the time.  I was also never anxious about those procedures and I was fully aware that any surgery carries risk.

My approach has never been about avoidance or denial.  It has been about relevance.  Where information is medically necessary, that is a separate decision.  Where it is not, I do not volunteer it.  If an unexpected complication were to arise, it would be managed by the medical team as it is for anyone else and of course if that was the case with me then I would expect them to tell me about any complications they encountered for future reference.

I also want to clarify the point about how others see me, as that has been consistent across my life.  Children who grew up in my family saw me as female.  When they later found out about my history, they still see me as female.  The same applies to people who came into the family and later learned about me.  Family members who knew me before and after surgery see me as female now, why?  Because I asked them and that is the only chance that I can get to ask the question, "do they see me as female".  I am comfortable with that.  As it is a question I do not ask other people, besides my family.

I would also gently push back on the idea that trans people necessarily live with an extra layer of anxiety.  That has not been my lived experience.  I have never suffered anxiety in relation to being private or how I live my life and my privacy on this issue has never caused me distress.

I agree that context matters and that comments can be ambiguous.  Where we may differ is that my decisions are not driven by worry about what others think or by hypothetical scenarios.  They are informed deliberate choices based on many decades of lived experience.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.  I appreciate hearing different perspectives even when our approaches are not the same.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Allie Jayne

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Everyone

Some things that need to be considered and mentioned in regards to how my life has evolved.

What I'm doing is not a reaction to fear or shame, it is an intentional life strategy.  I'm not hiding in order to be accepted.  I'm living quietly because that is how I have chosen to live and it has worked for me for decades.  That distinction is important and it comes through in everything I have written.

I know my lifestyle in regards to changing my life around is not mainstream within current transgender discourse.  Much of the contemporary narrative places emphasis on disclosure, visibility, affirmation and external validation.  My approach is fundamentally different.  I do not seek validation because I fundamentally resolved the core question about my privacy long before I changed my life around.  From my perspective, disclosure is a tool used only when it serves a purpose, not a moral obligation or a personal milestone to be considered.

My approach is logically coherent, even if others do not relate to it.  I assess the relevance, risk and consequences of my decisions.  I only disclose when there is a clear benefit or necessity.  I accept uncertainty where certainty is neither achievable nor required.  That is a rational framework, even if it sits outside prevailing social expectations, but then again I'm different am I not?

The discomfort some people may feel reading my posts is not because my position is flawed.  It is because it quietly challenges an assumption that many people hold, namely that openness is always healthier, always safer and always necessary.  My life experience contradicts that assumption and I do so without drama or apology.  That can be unsettling for people whose identity or coping strategies rely on disclosure and affirmation.

Finally, my stance does not invalidate anyone else's path.  I'm not saying others are wrong to seek validation.  All I'm saying is "I do not need it".  That is a statement of autonomy, not judgement.  In short, my position reads, "this is my life", I understand the trade offs and I accept them.  That is not mainstream, but it is coherent, grounded and defensible position.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Everyone

Some things that need to be considered and mentioned in regards to how my life has evolved.

What I'm doing is not a reaction to fear or shame, it is an intentional life strategy.  I'm not hiding in order to be accepted.  I'm living quietly because that is how I have chosen to live and it has worked for me for decades.  That distinction is important and it comes through in everything I have written.

I know my lifestyle in regards to changing my life around is not mainstream within current transgender discourse.  Much of the contemporary narrative places emphasis on disclosure, visibility, affirmation and external validation.  My approach is fundamentally different.  I do not seek validation because I fundamentally resolved the core question about my privacy long before I changed my life around.  From my perspective, disclosure is a tool used only when it serves a purpose, not a moral obligation or a personal milestone to be considered.

My approach is logically coherent, even if others do not relate to it.  I assess the relevance, risk and consequences of my decisions.  I only disclose when there is a clear benefit or necessity.  I accept uncertainty where certainty is neither achievable nor required.  That is a rational framework, even if it sits outside prevailing social expectations, but then again I'm different am I not?

The discomfort some people may feel reading my posts is not because my position is flawed.  It is because it quietly challenges an assumption that many people hold, namely that openness is always healthier, always safer and always necessary.  My life experience contradicts that assumption and I do so without drama or apology.  That can be unsettling for people whose identity or coping strategies rely on disclosure and affirmation.

Finally, my stance does not invalidate anyone else's path.  I'm not saying others are wrong to seek validation.  All I'm saying is "I do not need it".  That is a statement of autonomy, not judgement.  In short, my position reads, "this is my life", I understand the trade offs and I accept them.  That is not mainstream, but it is coherent, grounded and defensible position.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Thank you for this.

It makes perfect sense to me. And as you said, your path does not mean anyone else's is wrong. It just means this is your path.

Everyone is free to decide how they want to live their life. And perhaps, someone out there will read it and say, "That's how I want to do it!"

[Petunia]

Thank you sooo much to everybody who replied. I am in a space that I need advice from as many points of view that I can get.

Allie Jayne, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I can't suddenly come running out. I think my doctor has suspected something but I'm tiptoeing with my wife at the moment

I freaked her out on the weekend at a Lady Gaga show. (see introductions, Pink Fog)

I chose an outfit that is not something I would have ever consider wearing normally and with the crowd being extremely diverse I was able to shed my normal introverted self. The exuberant person I became scared my wife but we have now talked things through and are ok for now.

At the moment I am a pendulum swinging not knowing where I stop.

Sarah, thank you for again replying to one of my posts. I agree that it's not a medical practitioners place to say anything unless you decide to bring something up.

I was really taken aback when I once had to go for a colonoscopy and the doctor struggled to get his camera in. Eventually he gave up and left the room. His older female assistant held my hand and said it's ok, is not natural for that procedure! 
Umm, I knew what she meant and I was really perturbed by her comment. People like that should get out of health care.

I really think my doctor was reaching out, so at least there may be a path there in the future.

As I've written before, until a couple of weeks ago I would have posted this in crossdressing but I found the Gender Dysphoria Bible and now I question everything.

I hope to meet you some day Sarah for a coffee and chat.

Again thank you Lori.
Everybodies path is indeed different and I have to say I'm quite in shock with my feelings in the last 12 months or so. But definitely as much as my wife. And I can't lose her.

PS. I hope I am not triggering anybody. I am just really needy at this time. I have booked in a pysch visit for my PTSD which I think has uncovered my long buried issues.  It's reading about transgendered experience that has shocked me because I never thought that was me before.