Dysphoria attack

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

I'm just coming out the other side of an attack of dysphoria, well I guess that's how I'd describe it.

Honestly I just looked at myself and felt a complete hatred of who I am, what I look like and completely disregarded myself as a women. I couldn't face anything visually or about myself and my transition. I felt that I'll never be a women and I'm just fooling myself that I ever will be. This is the first time I regretted even starting to transition.

Feeling a little better now but it has taken a few chunks out of me. This was completely unexpected and a new feeling / experience.

Is this what others have experienced as dysphoria? Should I kind of expect this?  How can I get out of this when it hits? Any other perspectives on this or similar I would be most grateful for.

Charlotte x

[Lori Dee ✅]

Is this what others have experienced as dysphoria? Should I kind of expect this?  How can I get out of this when it hits? Any other perspectives on this or similar I would be most grateful for.

This is absolutely normal. I think we all go through periods of thinking "Why bother?"

Decades ago, when I was still in the Army, my grandfather passed away, and it really affected me. I went to work, and when I was at my desk in the Operations Office, my First Sergeant noticed that I was a little "off". His advice was to "go home and shave." I told him that I had shaved this morning.

He said that was not the point. He said that just doing normal things helps us get back to feeling "normal". So I went home, I didn't need to shave again, but I spent the day doing things that I would normally do when I am at home, just being my normal self. It worked.

Over the years, I have used this, and it works every time.

When you get to feeling like that, remember why you are doing it at all. You are not doing it for everyone else, you are doing it for YOU. So get back to that. Do what makes you feel normal again. Take a bubble bath, shave your legs, and do your makeup. Spend some time picking out what to wear. It doesn't matter if you are going out or not. Stay focused on what you are doing and why. Do what makes you feel good.

Then go out somewhere safe and accepting if you are up to it. Having others see you as you is very affirming, even if it is a simple "ma'am". Maybe your bf will say something about how nice you look. Let that affirmation sink in. Use it to reinforce why you are doing this and how far you have already come.

This always works for me. Hopefully, it will work for you and others here, too.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Lori Dee   cc: @Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Lori:

    EXCELLENT ADVICE !!!   Thank you for sharing.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
    The Forum Administrator

[ChrissyRyan]

I'm just coming out the other side of an attack of dysphoria, well I guess that's how I'd describe it.

Honestly I just looked at myself and felt a complete hatred of who I am, what I look like and completely disregarded myself as a women. I couldn't face anything visually or about myself and my transition. I felt that I'll never be a women and I'm just fooling myself that I ever will be. This is the first time I regretted even starting to transition.

Feeling a little better now but it has taken a few chunks out of me. This was completely unexpected and a new feeling / experience.

Is this what others have experienced as dysphoria? Should I kind of expect this?  How can I get out of this when it hits? Any other perspectives on this or similar I would be most grateful for.

Charlotte x

I at times get so disappointed as my voice is not always male fail.  I say to myself that this will never be the case.  Then I get sad.

To get out of this downer frame of mind, I talk to one of my female friends about life in general being good and what is new with you?  I try hard to have a positive mindset.

I wish you that the rest of your day being spectacularly good.

Chrissy

[Alana Ashleigh]

I've had this happen to me many times before I was on hrt. One particular episode damn near broke me. I couldn't put one foot in front of other. I remember sitting at my desk eating my lunch, and crying that's how bad I felt. I've found the longer I'm on hrt, the less often, and less severe it gets.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Thank you all very much. It's a shame we experience this but a little more comforting that I'm not alone in this at least. I think it ended up helping a little when I went to make Christmas dinner for my partner and me. He does say he sees me as a woman, but I just think, well he's going to say nice things just to make me happy!

Did have a nice walk around our local park  and got to be out as a women and her boyfriend which felt nice. Watching the squirrels digging up and eating their winter supplies.

I think the only place I feel truly affirmed and are acknowledged as a woman is at furry meets. I can't wait for the next in January as for those few hours I feel like I'm seen as my true self. I must try to find some other places I can go to get this experience. Lori's suggestion to find an accepting place would definitely help. I don't get any bother or abuse day to day but equally I don't think I'm really affirmed either as constantly referred by male pronouns. I find that really tough and after weeks of it gets too much

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

He does say he sees me as a woman, but I just think, well he's going to say nice things just to make me happy!

That is because he cares about YOU, not to get something from you. He sees you as you.

Also, notice that you did normal things that you would normally do: make dinner for two, go for a walk, etc. And you said you were on the other side of those feelings now. Just being your normal self, doing normal things, helps us to feel normal.

Hugs!

[Pema]

I'm atypical in most ways, but I have my version of what you're describing, Charlotte.

I recently had my sixth and probably final laser treatment for my facial hair. Each (roughly monthly) treatment has removed more whiskers so that I like the way my face looks more each time. But I can't shave for a week after a treatment, and the white whiskers are unaffected. That leaves me looking a lot less like how I'd prefer. And then, worse still, some of the dark ones return. I can feel pretty disappointed when I start to see that reversion to an appearance I'd too easily forgotten.

Aside from just forgetting about it and going back to doing ordinary things - which I was going to do anyway - I remind myself that: A) this is a process that will take time, and I am extremely patient; and B) my goal is not to look like anyone else or anyone else's idea of how a woman should look (or sound or behave); I'm moving toward being the person I truly am. When I feel that alignment within myself, other people feel it and respond to it, and I'm far less concerned about the wrapper that houses my soul.

And, honestly, that's how I feel about other people. "Who they are" isn't how they look or sound or dress. It's the heart, mind, intentions, actions that they embody. If I can embrace and love others for who they truly are and hope they'll do the same for me, then I need to do it for myself, too. It all takes time and practice.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Thanks for the kind words Pema and understand what you mean regards facial hair as I'm on session 4 of laser right now and also get the same as you! Oddly the white hairs don't bother me so much though and I shave straight after laser. I think I would be stressed like you are if I didn't shave though.

I take on board what you say about patience and moving towards who you really are. I hope you are making good progress towards this yourself too. With this part I really don't know at all who myself is in order to move towards it. As such have some serious mileage to go yet!

The kind words and support are helping very much and I really appreciate the ideas and perspectives everyone gives.

Charlotte X

[Mavka]

In my case, I've never understood when I have dysphoria and when I don't. It's hard for me to understand myself and my thoughts, and especially my feelings. It's hard to describe it for me, it doesn't seem to be pronounced, there are days when I don't want to look in the mirror or it's hard for me to be around people, sometimes when I don't even remember about dysphoria. I often read about dysphoria in other sources, people talked about violent tantrums and worse things, and I often wondered if I was imagining being transgender... and to this day I continue to think so. I have never learned to understand my feelings and thoughts.

Now I'm in a bit of despair, my parents swore at me for a few days during the renovation, and then for a few hours I literally belittled myself, it happened automatically, tears welled up by themselves. All last year, I was attacked by suicidal thoughts, I thought that I would never change, I would rot here in Russia, I would not become more feminine, I would not grow long hair (so my father also intends to send me to the hairdresser) and I probably would never buy myself a dress and wear it for a walk in the summer And thinking about it all makes me even more upset. Not to say that it's hard for me, no, I'm still young, I'm studying for a profession that I like, and at the moment I spend more energy studying, and not to drown in debt, and just forget about everything, forget about dysphoria, just because I'm always stressed. In principle, it is difficult for me to calm down and somehow relax in my life. I don't even want to do makeup, sooner or later I'll break the mirror — that's for sure, you won't buy any women's clothes since I don't even have my own room and I can't fold or hide anywhere, so I also live with my father, so there are no options at all. So he just sits there, rotting in his thoughts and regretting.

It's hard for me to share my dysphoria and my sadness and suicide with my girlfriend, when I try to bring it up, I feel abruptly awkward, I just want to shout "I'm kidding" and not bring it up for another month, and then I think to write about my thoughts here, and then I'll hate myself for the fact that I wrote here on the forum, and did not go to discuss my feelings with my girlfriend (I'm just worried that if I don't discuss my feelings with her first, I'm afraid she'll be offended).

I'm sorry if everything is mixed up here, I haven't talked about my feelings and thoughts for a long time (>_<)

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Mavka,

You are not alone with what you are experiencing. You need to understand that dysphoria is different for everyone. Some transgender people do not experience it, yet just focus on other things and live their lives. It does not make them "less transgender," and they are not just making it up. It is something we are born with. Some people are devastated by it, and it affects their physical and mental health to the point where they must do something. Most of us are somewhere in between, so we do what we can until our situation improves enough that we can take the next step if we feel that we need to.

Living with your dad makes things more complicated because you are not just dealing with bigotry from society, but also within your own home, which should be a safe haven. My heart goes out to you.

I think that you are subconsciously doing the right thing that helps you get through this. By focusing on your plans for the future, you can suppress the dysphoria you feel and work towards the day when you will have your own job, money, and home.  Eventually, you will reach that goal and will have the opportunity to live the way that you want to live.

Talking to your girlfriend is a great thing if she is accepting and supportive. Having someone like that to talk to face-to-face is such a helpful resource. You are also welcome to write here, where you are among friends. There is never any judgment here. This is a safe space for those days when you just want to cry or scream to get it out of your system. If you need to rant, come here and rant. We understand because many of us have felt exactly the same way. Just be careful and do not give too many specific details. This site is a public forum, so anyone can see it. Don't write anything you are not ready to be made public. Safety first.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Hi Mavka,
Your circumstances sound very tough and it's so sad to hear that you want to present more feminine but it's not an option. Dysphoria is definitely unpredictable as to when it comes, but in our times of vulnerability it can definitely hit hard. I hope that with strength and looking inwards you can see the women that you are. She lives inside you despite what's outside.

It sounds like with your studies and attitude that you'll be able to make a success of your life, which will allow you great freedom. I can say that when I was younger so much was impossible due to my father's ways, but with age and independence everything got better. Sometimes you make the life you need.

I don't doubt that your journey will be tougher due to your tricky circumstances, but I'm betting you're much smarter so will definitely get to where you want in life.

I hope one day you can share with your girlfriend too, but you'll do this when you feel ready I'm sure. There is no right or wrong time to share or express your feelings. Please don't hate on yourself for doing things at a pace that works for you. You certainly need time to process each feeling and plan when it's right and safest to express yourself.

Charlotte 😻

[Allie Jayne]

Charlotte, I don't believe what you described in your opening post is strictly gender dysphoria. My understanding is that dysphoria is the stress caused by incongruence, but this leads to many other feelings. Frustration at not achieving our goals of transition is common, actually may be standard for most of us, but it is more a practical thing than dysphoria. I get frustrated that so many clothing items I would love to buy, just don't fit on my misshapen body. I have dysphoria from my body shape, but mostly triggered by mirrors, while not being able to buy clothes that fit is a frustration many cis women feel as well.

We are all different, and have different goals and expectations, so will have different triggers and frustrations.

Hugs,

Allie