Newly transitioning to feminine at 39

[Their Name is Signal]

Newly transitioning into my feminine self at 39

So a few weeks ago before Christmas I came to my wife with the fact I wanted to be more of a feminine man,wear womens clothing (skirts,dresses,heels,thigh high stockings.feminine elegant sexy nothing crossdressy or costume) maybe make up and live maybe not fully as a woman right away but start experimenting with being feminine.

She said shes ok with this for me but that she wouldnt want to be with a man or me as this way but fully supports.

Lets forward a few days later,she asks if im gay or into trans women and I said im not sure of all this yet.

I broke down to her that I had been looking elsewhere for validation and chatting with people in a sexual manner again (previously I did so and she found out and stayed with me) but this time it hurt her enough to say i think its time we move on and separate.

This all comes to her after just newly owning our first house together since around mid october.

She still loves me and wants to stay close if not even best friends but just cant stay with me anymore from all the lies and cheating and the fact im becoming feminine.

Shes told her whole family were getting a divorce and they all know my process and understand.

I myself have told just my sister and she understands.

she and I have a really close friend in our family that is gay who we treat as a brother so something like this is nothing new for her,but I have yet to tell my parents.

I figure my mom would be more forgiving then my father on the subject of me being feminine but I dont think either of them would shun me out of there lives.

Im just scared to finally come out as myself for them.

so this is me right now.not sure I want to be fully trans (but I know I want it to feel real and not crossdressy or as a costume I want to integrate feminine as second nature) but I know id like to start living as me,I cant keep fooling myself.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, and welcome!

Congratulations on starting to understand yourself and on having the courage to come out to your wife.  Unfortunately, we cannot control other people's reactions, and the end of a relationship is a fairly common outcome in this circumstance.  It is unfortunate that she immediately associated being trans with sexuality: the two are quite separate.

If you are not yet seeing a gender therapist, I would strongly recommend it.  They can help you wade through the confusion and decide what you really want.

You have come to the right place for understanding and support.

Happy New Year!

[Gina P]

Welcome to Susan's. Many here have experienced what you are going through. Hang in there sister. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hello Therenameissignal,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe space for you to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

What you are experiencing is a normal exploration of your self. There is never any harm in looking at how we move through life and wondering if this is what we expected, or if this is how we want to continue. It is also common for others to reject the conclusions we come to because they do not understand why we are questioning in the first place. It is confusing for us, too.

As Kathy suggested, it is very helpful to have a therapist guide you. Find one with experience in gender identities. They can help you figure out who you are inside, and be available to explain things as you encounter them. If you decide that transitioning is what you want, a therapist can help get that started, too. Let me be clear, there is no requirement for you to transition if you do not want to. There is no requirement about what you need to do or not do when it comes to your own gender expression. That is your decision, and no one else's.

Here at Susan's, we have a wealth of information from real people all over the world who are sharing their real-life experiences. Some are just getting started, some are here to support our community, and some transitioned long ago.

You can learn from their stories. Feel free to browse, comment, and share your experiences too. We all learn from each other.

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@Therenameissignal 
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Susan ✅]

Thank you for trusting us with something this vulnerable.

What's being described here is not confusion for its own sake — it's what happens when someone finally stops suppressing who they are, and real-life consequences collide with that truth all at once.

Several kinds of pain are being carried at the same time. Grieving a marriage that is changing. Absorbing the shock of that change happening so soon after buying a home together. Mourning the future that once felt certain. Alongside all of that is the fear that comes with finally allowing an authentic self to surface.

Anyone in this position would feel overwhelmed.

There's something important in how femininity is described here. Wanting it to feel natural, integrated, and real — not costume-like or performative. Not fantasy or escapism, but alignment.

That distinction matters. Many people here will recognize themselves in that longing. Feeling fully comfortable in one's own skin is something that develops over time.

There is also real hurt around trust. Seeking validation elsewhere often emerges when someone feels unseen, unsure, and emotionally starving — especially when there isn't yet language for what's needed or clarity about how to be honest with oneself.

Understanding that doesn't undo the pain it caused, but it does help explain how someone can stumble during an identity crisis; a partner's boundaries, in that context, are about what they can remain in — not a verdict on who you are becoming or your worth.

Not knowing whether "fully trans" fits right now does not mean something is being done wrong. Identity isn't a multiple-choice test that has to be passed before honest existence is allowed.

Many people begin exactly here — knowing what feels true, knowing what feels false, and allowing the language to catch up later.

It also makes sense that disclosure to parents feels terrifying. Feeling exposed. Feeling vulnerable. Wanting safety before sharing. Family reactions are unknowns, not certainties.

That fear isn't weakness; moving at one's own pace with family and protecting internal stability while a core self is being rebuilt are allowed and expected, and the need to live more authentically and honestly is not something that requires justification.

There is nothing broken about needing this to feel real. Nothing selfish about wanting the outside to match the inside. And nothing failed because clarity hasn't arrived all at once.

This is an in-between place — truth has surfaced, but the future hasn't fully formed yet. That space is uncomfortable. It's also where real self-alignment begins. There's no need to rush. No requirement to decide everything now. And no expectation to carry this alone.

Susan's Place is a safe space where people are seen, heard, and welcomed exactly as they are, in this moment. The first post is often the hardest. You did it!

With love and respect,
— Susan 💜

[Courtney G]

I'm very sorry to learn about the difficulties you're enduring. Figuring this stuff out about yourself while you're in a committed relationship with an unsuspecting partner can be one of the most difficult parts of all of this.

Oftentimes, partners feel that they've been betrayed, often intentionally. In my case, I really didn't understand my own feelings and I never thought I'd act on them or share them with another human, so what I did to her/us was far from intentional, and it wasn't betrayal.

Lets forward a few days later,she asks if im gay or into trans women and I said im not sure of all this yet.

I need to point out that being attracted to trans women isn't at all the same as being attracted to men. Trans women are women, full stop. Part of the attraction might come from envy, as they might have some of the same parts as cis men. Even being attracted to or interested in that anatomy on a trans woman isn't the same as being gay. A trans woman who is attracted to other women (either cis or trans) would be considered a lesbian, but that's obviously different.

I broke down to her that I had been looking elsewhere for validation and chatting with people in a sexual manner again (previously I did so and she found out and stayed with me) but this time it hurt her enough to say i think its time we move on and separate.

She still loves me and wants to stay close if not even best friends but just cant stay with me anymore from all the lies and cheating and the fact im becoming feminine.

Some partners believe that seeking sexual satisfaction mentally is the same sort of "cheating" as physically being with someone other than your partner. In your case, you might be trying to fill a hole in your life and getting a thrill out of trying to actualize what you've dreamed about, while still remaining devoted to your partner.

But let's face it, this could be an exit opportunity for her if it's something she really doesn't want. My partner is "OK" with my transition, but if she had a choice, she'd rather not have this happen. It's quite possible you're going to have to choose between a path forward with your transition or abandoning it all and trying to patch things up with your wife. This would be a good time to try to put the divorce on hold while you start seeing a mental health professional who has experience with gender dysphoria, so that you might more completely understand yourself before moving forward with either some sort of transition or the dissolution of your marriage. Perhaps your partner would be amenable to that. At least you can proceed down your chosen path knowing that you had some professional help along the way.

so this is me right now.not sure I want to be fully trans (but I know I want it to feel real and not crossdressy or as a costume I want to integrate feminine as second nature) but I know id like to start living as me,I cant keep fooling myself.

There are many shades of gender and gender transition. It's possible to experience some of the changes in your life or even your body whilst preserving a level of status quo. For others, it's an "all or none" proposition. The true answer to what you want might not come immediately. It might take some time and work to figure out what works for you.

PS: if you haven't been with another partner in a physical manner, I suggest you check with an attorney regarding the implications of "chatting with people in a sexual manner." In most states in the U.S., that doesn't constitute adultery from a legal perspective, and adultery might entitle her to some sort of particular property settlement. It might be very important to clarify/reframe the "cheating" thing in order to protect your interests, and to immediately abstain from any contact that could be considered as such

[Jillian-TG]

I'm sorry to hear your story. While there is never a good time for this to happen it is especially painful over the holidays because this is meant to be a happy season. And you mentioned that you've only recently moved into the new home so that is another loss looming over things.

I don't have any wise words or wisdom other than to try to take things a day at a time. I suppose your wife is dealing with two things - the transgender topic but what also sounds like some crossing of boundaries with people outside the marriage. Even if it wasn't physical it would still hurt like betrayal for your wife.

Any chance that she would be willing to try marriage counselling before filing for divorce?

[Pema]

Hello, friend. Welcome to Susan's Place. I'm sorry that your emergence has been met with rejection. It can be difficult enough to accept about ourselves, but it's made all the more challenging by others' negativity.

As others have suggested, I think gender therapy could be very helpful for you. If your wife is at all open to staying together, then couples' counseling could also be beneficial to you both. It might even if you still separate.

Please know that we are here for you and with you. While everyone's path is unique, we all have shared aspects of our experiences. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story.

Love,
Pema

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Signal

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Thank you for trusting this space with something so personal and raw.

Others have already raised some important points that I agree with because they can genuinely help you right now.  What you are experiencing is not unusual when someone stops suppressing a part of themselves and everything surfaces at once.  There is grief around the marriage, shock from how quickly life circumstances changed and fear about what honesty might cost.  Feeling overwhelmed in that position makes sense.

Several people also touched on something important about how you describe femininity.  Wanting it to feel natural, integrated and real rather than artificial is a meaningful distinction.  Many here recognise that longing and it often takes time to understand what that means for your own life without rushing to labels or fixed outcomes.  Not knowing yet does not mean you are doing anything wrong.  I know what that longing feels like, I was there once myself, before I changed my life around.

The pain around trust in your relationship matters too.  Seeking validation elsewhere often happens when someone feels unseen and unsure of themselves.  That does not erase the hurt it caused your wife, but it can help you understand yourself more while still respecting her boundaries.

I strongly agree with the suggestion of therapy.  A gender therapist can help you sort through what you are feeling, find language for it and decide what steps, if any, are right for you.  If there is any possibility of preserving the relationship or even separating with more clarity and care, couples counselling could also be very valuable.  Both forms of support are about understanding, not pressure or obligation.

You do not need to have everything figured out now.  Moving at a pace that protects your emotional stability is allowed.  Susan's is a place where members are at many different stages in their own personal journey and share honestly and learn from each other.

You are not alone. You are welcome here and accepted for who you are.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.  Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@Their Name is Signal