Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

Hello Charlotte, Just checking in with you. I thought you might have been eager to show us your new tattoo even though it will be a work in progress?

Hope all went well for you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks all, tattoo went well. I got home, felt very tired and then very deflated. Today even worse. I've woke up with a headache which I'll have to take ridiculous amounts of NSAIDs to shift. An overwhelming feeling I don't want to be here and even less desire to get all the jobs done for the week including stuff i need ready for the furry con in friday.

I've just left a trans group as I can't stand seeing everday what a poor impersonation of a woman i am looking at even just average people. I'm like bottom of the pile bargain basement trash. I dont feel far off running away from here abmnd not coming back tbh.  Still though despite the very few good bits in life i really don't want to be here. I still despise most days of my existence. Work is just exhausting me emotionally and physically. Basically 5 days a week are write offs. Then occasionally i enjoy the weekend, but not often. Honestly i wish i could hust ffwd to the end and be done with this prison called life.

Im just worried for my partner as without me he'll struggle and i cant do that to him. That just means im trapped now in this life with no way out. I feel gulity willing myself to get an incurable disease.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well the headache seems to be sibsiding as I took Dexketoprofen which I had left from my FFS. Think I'll need get some more or some Keterolac as the normal NSAIDs do nothing in normal doses anymore

[Stottie Girl]

Oh dear petal. You have woken up down haven't you. You are way too hard on yourself. Who on earth is in your trans group if you are bottom of the pile?? Are they all super models or something! I don't believe that's true for one minute.

You must know by now that your mood is shifting wildly from really happy to times like now when you are really down. These low points are temporary though, you might not be able to see it but we can. Go back a few days and you were really happy about the prospect of getting married, you enjoyed your music lesson and so on. These are big mood swings you are having. The reality of your situation is likely somewhere in the middle. Go back through your blog and you will see what I mean. You have very deep troughs and such elevated highs. It's like an emotional rollercoaster.

I thought you were on a path to speak to psychological services, have they still not given you an appointment yet?

[Dawn Kellie]

Thanks all, tattoo went well. I got home, felt very tired and then very deflated. Today even worse. I've woke up with a headache which I'll have to take ridiculous amounts of NSAIDs to shift. An overwhelming feeling I don't want to be here and even less desire to get all the jobs done for the week including stuff i need ready for the furry con in friday.

I've just left a trans group as I can't stand seeing everday what a poor impersonation of a woman i am looking at even just average people. I'm like bottom of the pile bargain basement trash. I dont feel far off running away from here abmnd not coming back tbh.  Still though despite the very few good bits in life i really don't want to be here. I still despise most days of my existence. Work is just exhausting me emotionally and physically. Basically 5 days a week are write offs. Then occasionally i enjoy the weekend, but not often. Honestly i wish i could hust ffwd to the end and be done with this prison called life.

Im just worried for my partner as without me he'll struggle and i cant do that to him. That just means im trapped now in this life with no way out. I feel gulity willing myself to get an incurable disease.

You think your at the bottom? Well little lady I'm still rocking facial hair, legs look like I could be big foot, and my partner has not been informed that I'm transgender.  So, if your the bottom I must be a sub basement in the Grand Canyon.  I think you are an amazing lady and am clad to know you. Like Sarah said take a minute and go back a couple days. Also, getting a tattoo can dump some hormons. You may be in hormone hangover. 

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks @Stottie Girl and @Dawn Kellie.

I'm managing to get stuff done at least again now even when not feeling so great. That's something I suppose. But I'm still plagued daily by self image and self esteem issues and this I'm really struggling with. Envy for me is less an occasional feeling and more a constant througout every experience in my life. I just cant get control over it. Hardly a surprise i remember feeling like this when I was about 6 and its never stopped. God knows why I'm this way.

With regards my psych appointment I'm on the waiting list for however long that will take. Likely several months.  I will share with my private therapist, but there is a lot to work through still.

I hear what you say Kellie - its tough being at the point you are and not knowing how everything will turn out. Then not being able to progress where you want.  I found that bit easy tbh as i just ended my previous 18yr relationship when it didn't work anymore, and my new partner i knew would be ok with it. But certainly you having daugters makes it more complex.I guess part of me wishes I'd stayed at the point you're at now as only by moving forwards have i created expectations i feel i can never meet.

Kinda in a way resigning oneself to misery and nothingness can be more comfortable than seeking more and being repeatedly disappointed.

[Dawn Kellie]

Thanks @Stottie Girl and @Dawn Kellie.

I'm managing to get stuff done at least again now even when not feeling so great. That's something I suppose. But I'm still plagued daily by self image and self esteem issues and this I'm really struggling with. Envy for me is less an occasional feeling and more a constant througout every experience in my life. I just cant get control over it. Hardly a surprise i remember feeling like this when I was about 6 and its never stopped. God knows why I'm this way.

With regards my psych appointment I'm on the waiting list for however long that will take. Likely several months.  I will share with my private therapist, but there is a lot to work through still.

I hear what you say Kellie - its tough being at the point you are and not knowing how everything will turn out. Then not being able to progress where you want.  I found that bit easy tbh as i just ended my previous 18yr relationship when it didn't work anymore, and my new partner i knew would be ok with it. But certainly you having daugters makes it more complex.I guess part of me wishes I'd stayed at the point you're at now as only by moving forwards have i created expectations i feel i can never meet.

Kinda in a way resigning oneself to misery and nothingness can be more comfortable than seeking more and being repeatedly disappointed.

I wish I was close enough to give you a hug.

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks @Stottie Girl and @Dawn Kellie.

I'm managing to get stuff done at least again now even when not feeling so great. That's something I suppose. But I'm still plagued daily by self image and self esteem issues and this I'm really struggling with. Envy for me is less an occasional feeling and more a constant througout every experience in my life. I just cant get control over it. Hardly a surprise i remember feeling like this when I was about 6 and its never stopped. God knows why I'm this way.

With regards my psych appointment I'm on the waiting list for however long that will take. Likely several months.  I will share with my private therapist, but there is a lot to work through still.

I hear what you say Kellie - its tough being at the point you are and not knowing how everything will turn out. Then not being able to progress where you want.  I found that bit easy tbh as i just ended my previous 18yr relationship when it didn't work anymore, and my new partner i knew would be ok with it. But certainly you having daugters makes it more complex.I guess part of me wishes I'd stayed at the point you're at now as only by moving forwards have i created expectations i feel i can never meet.

Kinda in a way resigning oneself to misery and nothingness can be more comfortable than seeking more and being repeatedly disappointed.

Well it may sound trite but keeping busy is the key. When your mind isn't distracted it can go to dark places. I know sometimes you just need to chill out and relax but when you're on a downer you really must force yourself to do something. Cook something, go for a light walk, visit friends, go to the pub with your partner, do some gardening, create some music, anything. Just keeping the mind active will prevent you from dwelling on things, plus you get a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day if you've done something.

Are you just going to reveal the tattoo when it's all done and dusted then?

[Dances With Trees]

Massive hugs, Charlotte!

Kellie and Sarah seem spot on with their comforting advice.

 

[Dawn Kellie]

This is the tattoo I got that actually hurt. It's on my rids on my right side. Wow it was intense

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks all. I think this morning didn't help as my headache was hurting everytime I moved so the idea of doing much was out of the door. Did take 3 huge bags of clothes to Cats protection and plant out my courgettes. I'll be ok. I still need to get to grips with my self image and sense of complete inferiority. Thats going to take a long time.

This is the outline. A little blurred as under the plastic film.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

This is the tattoo I got that actually hurt. It's on my rids on my right side. Wow it was intense

Oh wow. Deffo imagine that hurt too. I'm going to stick to my arms and upper chest. Maybe a little onto my boobs.

[Dawn Kellie]

Thanks all. I think this morning didn't help as my headache was hurting everytime I moved so the idea of doing much was out of the door. Did take 3 huge bags of clothes to Cats protection and plant out my courgettes. I'll be ok. I still need to get to grips with my self image and sense of complete inferiority. Thats going to take a long time.

This is the outline. A little blurred as under the plastic film.

Looks real good. Once you get the color it will be awesome. 

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks all. I think this morning didn't help as my headache was hurting everytime I moved so the idea of doing much was out of the door. Did take 3 huge bags of clothes to Cats protection and plant out my courgettes. I'll be ok. I still need to get to grips with my self image and sense of complete inferiority. Thats going to take a long time.

This is the outline. A little blurred as under the plastic film.

That's nice Charlotte, I hadn't realised it would be so big! It's going to be quite the statement!

And Kellie! Give us some warning before subjecting us to your nipples! ha ha I'm not sure but that might be against policy!

[Dawn Kellie]

That's nice Charlotte, I hadn't realised it would be so big! It's going to be quite the statement!

And Kellie! Give us some warning before subjecting us to your nipples! ha ha I'm not sure but that might be against policy!

Sorry, I should have put a black box over that. 😬 Admin I apologize for any site violation.  😂🤣

[Stottie Girl]

Sorry, I should have put a black box over that. 😬 Admin I apologize for any site violation.  😂🤣

ha ha ha! No offence taken here for the record I'm just teasing!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Dawn Kellie]

ha ha ha! No offence taken here for the record I'm just teasing!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

So a picture of a penis tattoo would be off limits?? 🤔

I don't and won't have one but just asking for informational purposes. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Stottie Girl]

I'm not easily shocked but I certainly wouldn't want that on my body. It's bad enough I have the real thing between my legs! I try to ignore it most of the time.

[Dawn Kellie]

I'm not easily shocked but I certainly wouldn't want that on my body. It's bad enough I have the real thing between my legs! I try to ignore it most of the time.

I agree.  It's there but is more of an inconvenience

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Still in pain with this headache 3 dexketoprofen and 2 ibuprofen later. Sick of these headaches that won't shift and often end up lasting day's.