Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well OK 5 weeks still doesn't change what I said that's just over a month. Too soon to be changing doses 400mg Progesterone is likely just wasting money in my opinion. You only have a limited amount of receptors once they are saturated the excess can have negative results like being converted into DHT for example and actually fighting the feminising effects.

Don't be so quick to change things. Make a change, wait 3 months, check the bloods and adjust if necessary.

If boobs is your only measure you may have been genetically destined to be flat chested anyway, loads of women are, particularly athletic women. Also, fat distribution takes years and years, anyone telling you they have had massive changes I would treat with a certain skeptisim.

I guess the choice i need to make is put up with bad genetics and a body that will forever disappoint me or cut my losses and detransition.  I feel stuck to be honest. I cant go back but i dont want to pursue this if this is the body I'm destined to have.  I'm getting no euphoria at all when i see it, yet everyday i have to. Truthfully i totally  regret transitioning and in hindsight i wouldn't have started.  But now i cant possibly face going back. I can never be a man again. Only a woman who I totally despise everytime i see her disgusting body.

Honestly i hope i get an incurable disease sooner rather than later  and kill off this vile body forever. That's what I'm praying for every day.

I've decided i want to stop all the classes and runing to. That's not helping
 I don't want that kind of body

[Petunia]

I spoke to a lady Sarah on the way out and she said they all sit and have a hot chocolate before going home. They totally accepted me into their group which includes the instructor! Also they have nights out and want me to come. I think they figured I'm trans so I told them everything. They all seem fine  with me and were sharing hair tips, chatting about their family, my surgery etc. Felt so good! I'm definitely going back.

I know you are riding waves up and down and that's hard and unfair.

Do you know who wrote the above?

💜

[Lori Dee ✅]

Had legs, bums and tums this evening. I chatted to one of the other ladies whilst leaving, who struggled with the warm up dance moves as much as I did. We had a laugh and then chatted with her friend outside too. They said I should go to Zumba as they do. So next week I'm going to make a point of setting up next to them and chatting. And see if I can make Zumba with them and have a laugh messing up all the moves.

Also I put a hair band in which really helped with my sweating problems. And I just look sooo cool with those 80s esque vibes. I've definitely got something going on here that I like!

And i got a hello kitty watch.

Look what else she wrote.

Don't let the Sunday blahs get to you.

I went through that too, but it wasn't about transitioning. Every Sunday night, I would say, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow." But I did, and I survived, and even thrived.

You know what you want to achieve; you just forget that it takes patience more than anything. With all the work that you have already put into yourself, and you want to just walk away from it? Come on, Char! Look at what you wrote. See the beautiful person that we see. Because she is right there.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I know you are riding waves up and down and that's hard and unfair.

Do you know who wrote the above?

💜

It wrote that when it wasnt confronted with its own body.  If I can never look at that body again I'll be ok.

I really don't want to do this anymore. I absolutely hate Charlotte. I wish i was never stupid enough to bring it into existence. Why would this ever work out good for me? Anything where luck is involved I'm a complete failure.  Why did i think this would be different?

Everyone keeps saying time. Well why do i see people dailly on less months HRT with some fat redistribution? There is zero here. None. Everyday i feel complete disappointment at this process. The only thing is like was brought about by surgery. Thats it. All HRT has done is ruined my life by making my mental health worse and nothing else.

Charlotte

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Look what else she wrote.

Don't let the Sunday blahs get to you.

I went through that too, but it wasn't about transitioning. Every Sunday night, I would say, "I don't want to go to work tomorrow." But I did, and I survived, and even thrived.

You know what you want to achieve; you just forget that it takes patience more than anything. With all the work that you have already put into yourself, and you want to just walk away from it? Come on, Char! Look at what you wrote. See the beautiful person that we see. Because she is right there.

Thank you for trying. But i can't unsee that disgusting figure. I'm just a man. I will never be a woman. That body will always be him. I see it everytime in the shapeless sack of s___.

I'm stopping all the effort now ad there is no point anymore. The hair can all come back and I'm not trying at all to be a woman anymore.  If hrt works in a few years, great ill pick up again. But for now Charlotte is dead and buried.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I had no fat distribution and minimal breast growth for four years. Everyone is different.
I figured out the problem was that the information I found online was misleading.

I was told breast growth starts at six months after starting HRT. NOT TRUE.

Taking a partial dose does very little for you. For four years, I struggled to get my estradiol levels above 100 and my T levels below 100.

Your body does not start making noticeable changes until 3-6 months after you achieve the proper levels. I learned that Spironolactone and Finasteride interfere with hormone balancing. I learned that pills and patches did not work for me. I know your frustration because I have been there.

Once I started the proper HRT protocol FOR ME, everything began to change. I switched from spironolactone and Finasteride to leuprolide and bicalutamide to shut down T. I switched from patches to injections to get my E levels up.

The leuprolide and bicalutamide suppressed my T long enough for my E to climb into the female range and start suppressing T on its own. I stopped taking those. Now, after six years on HRT, but two years of having the correct hormone levels, I am starting to get fat distribution and breast development.

Don't tie yourself to someone else's timeline. Focus on maintaining your levels within the proper range and stay there. That's when the clock starts ticking. You are at 5 weeks, so just getting started. Be patient and be kind to yourself. This isn't a marathon.

Let the HRT do the work while you focus on the mental health part. You can get through this, just like you have before.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I had no fat distribution and minimal breast growth for four years. Everyone is different.
I figured out the problem was that the information I found online was misleading.

I was told breast growth starts at six months after starting HRT. NOT TRUE.

Taking a partial dose does very little for you. For four years, I struggled to get my estradiol levels above 100 and my T levels below 100.

Your body does not start making noticeable changes until 3-6 months after you achieve the proper levels. I learned that Spironolactone and Finasteride interfere with hormone balancing. I learned that pills and patches did not work for me. I know your frustration because I have been there.

Once I started the proper HRT protocol FOR ME, everything began to change. I switched from spironolactone and Finasteride to leuprolide and bicalutamide to shut down T. I switched from patches to injections to get my E levels up.

The leuprolide and bicalutamide suppressed my T long enough for my E to climb into the female range and start suppressing T on its own. I stopped taking those. Now, after six years on HRT, but two years of having the correct hormone levels, I am starting to get fat distribution and breast development.

Don't tie yourself to someone else's timeline. Focus on maintaining your levels within the proper range and stay there. That's when the clock starts ticking. You are at 5 weeks, so just getting started. Be patient and be kind to yourself. This isn't a marathon.

Let the HRT do the work while you focus on the mental health part. You can get through this, just like you have before.

Thank you for the kindness. Not sure i deserve it though I'll  try my best. I just feel like crying every single day.

[Stottie Girl]

I had no fat distribution and minimal breast growth for four years. Everyone is different.
I figured out the problem was that the information I found online was misleading.

I was told breast growth starts at six months after starting HRT. NOT TRUE.

Taking a partial dose does very little for you. For four years, I struggled to get my estradiol levels above 100 and my T levels below 100.

Your body does not start making noticeable changes until 3-6 months after you achieve the proper levels. I learned that Spironolactone and Finasteride interfere with hormone balancing. I learned that pills and patches did not work for me. I know your frustration because I have been there.

Once I started the proper HRT protocol FOR ME, everything began to change. I switched from spironolactone and Finasteride to leuprolide and bicalutamide to shut down T. I switched from patches to injections to get my E levels up.

The leuprolide and bicalutamide suppressed my T long enough for my E to climb into the female range and start suppressing T on its own. I stopped taking those. Now, after six years on HRT, but two years of having the correct hormone levels, I am starting to get fat distribution and breast development.

Don't tie yourself to someone else's timeline. Focus on maintaining your levels within the proper range and stay there. That's when the clock starts ticking. You are at 5 weeks, so just getting started. Be patient and be kind to yourself. This isn't a marathon.

Let the HRT do the work while you focus on the mental health part. You can get through this, just like you have before.

This! Give HRT the chance and time it needs. I really think you would benefit from signing up with a private clinic Charlotte, you have enough money coming in to do it. They can guide you better than you can yourself.

I'm not saying you are destined to be flat chested with no curves Charlotte I'm only saying you need to be prepared that you just COULD be one of those women. The chances are you wouldn't be, but you have to learn that women who are like that are just as beautiful, they lead fun and exciting lives, have relationships, fall in love, everything.

Women come in all shapes and sizes, accept who you are about to become, you cannot say "I want to be this perfect image I have of a woman otherwise I will suffer depression" otherwise you are destined to be unhappy for the rest of your life. Everyone has hangups of their own body, we all look in the mirror and wish something was different.

You think I am happy about being a plus size woman? Hell no, I wish I was stick thin at times and big boobs sound great but then you realise that buying dresses is a bit of a nightmare. I can't buy fitted dresses off the rack, I have to buy to fit my bust and then take said item to a seamstress to take in the waist to fit. It adds £20-£25 to every item and because I'm still at a UK18-20, my bust means if I want a structured dress I have to buy UK22-24, try getting something sexy in that size!

All I'm saying is learn to relax and accept the beautiful woman you are becoming like any other CIS teenager. If you can't, and you think you will end up more miserable, then jam the brakes on hard right now. Spend some time reflecting before you make your next move. You are at a point right now where you could go either way. You have not yet passed the point of no return even though you have made incredible progress. You can still currently choose your path. Once you have GRS the choice is made, they can't glue stuff back on!

Talk this through with your therapist. Write these thoughts down immediately when you have them before you flip flop into thinking everything is peachy creamy, sometimes I think your highs are so high you forget how low you've been and how dark your thoughts are in monments like this. In fact, why not show her this blog?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I do get women are all different shapes. But they are born female and I'm not. I can't go through all this and just see the body I've always had. If nothing changes then I haven't transitioned. All I can see is his body because nothing has changed. Its horrible seeing my face that I like then clothes off and the whole illusion is completely ruined. I'm reminded exactly how little I've really progressed. This dysphoria is crippling. 

The last time anything really changed was march with my surgery. Since then nothing is different.

I guess if i don't get a nice body I'm going to just cover my entire body in tattoos from neck to toe. Hide everything!

[davina61]

My dear I am built like a brick outhouse, 4st over weight and my face is manly. Dosent stop me from being a woman.  You need a dose of positivity.

[Stottie Girl]

Well it's your body, your choice, I'm just looking out for you as you worry me is all. GRS won't immediately solve any of your body shape issues, just the genitals. Boob job might, though if it's curves you want there is no substitute for time.

[big kim]

6'2"ish, 117kg, 42D bust, size 20 tops,22 pants, soon to be 69. Square face, broad shoulders. Voice like Lemmy with a sore throat. I don't pass but somehow blend in.
HRT takes time like puberty it doesn't happen  overnight for anyone.
Your photos look great I see an attractive young woman

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks everyone. I'm grateful you are kind to me despite me being a complete mess. I think I'm going to avoid following others journeys too closely until I can get into DBT therapy next year. My self esteem is too low for me to handle it and everything triggers me. Its not great and I really don't want to feel that way. But its been the same since I was about 6 years old, so its not changing anytime soon. I'm already curating my other socials and blocking a lot of triggering content - I really have no choice, which is sad as sometimes I feel good and love to see and react to it. But other times it makes me feel totally inadequate and a complete failure.

Love Charlotte X

[Petunia]

Sweetheart, you were accepted into a women's exercise group and they invited you out.

That is kind of a dream for someone like me.

I look like 💩 compared to you.

Dysphoria is absoluty💩💩💩 but if you have women's exercise groups, girls asking you to come for socialising events just do that.

There are women you have met that want you to be one of them.

This is probably the best thing you can do.