Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Wait until after surgeries before getting a tattoo. Some surgeons freak out over fresh tattoos.

Oh it won't be for ages. I need to get all the hair removed on my arms, back and chest yet. It's thinned but not gone. Unfortunately I have hair on literally every part of my body including fingers and toes. I think I reached puberty early and had high testosterone ☹️

[Stottie Girl]

Might still need time for the HRT to complete it's magic Charlotte. I now have pretty fine body hair and it's pretty much female pattern (might help I'm blond I suppose). The hairs from my ankles to my toes have disappeared, same with my upper arm and back hairs along with my "ahem" happy trail but these results took well over three years to achieve. Thin, fine arm and leg hair is also perfectly normal for women, that's why there's a whole hair removal industry out there! I actually find shaving my legs very afirming.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Might still need time for the HRT to complete it's magic Charlotte. I now have pretty fine body hair and it's pretty much female pattern (might help I'm blond I suppose). The hairs from my ankles to my toes have disappeared, same with my upper arm and back hairs along with my "ahem" happy trail but these results took well over three years to achieve. Thin, fine arm and leg hair is also perfectly normal for women, that's why there's a whole hair removal industry out there! I actually find shaving my legs very afirming.

I'm honestly not sure how long HRT takes to completely stop hair growth in those areas. Maybe it does need longer. I'm not quite a year yet.

The leg hair I'm already getting removed as shaving it causes deep sores that dont heal, last months and then turn into purple dark patches on the skin that haven't gone in nearly a year. I got about 50 of them, mostly higher up.

I'm hoping with getting the hair removed maybe the marks will go and won't look like a battleground!

[Lori Dee ✅]

I need to get all the hair removed on my arms, back and chest yet. It's thinned but not gone.

In case you aren't aware, that isn't a requirement for a tattoo. They just shave the spot they will be working on. If you let the hair on the kitty tattoos grow, it will make them 3D.

🤣

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Of course! I just want the hair gone first otherwise I can't laser once tattood!

[Stottie Girl]

I'm honestly not sure how long HRT takes to completely stop hair growth in those areas. Maybe it does need longer. I'm not quite a year yet.

The leg hair I'm already getting removed as shaving it causes deep sores that dont heal, last months and then turn into purple dark patches on the skin that haven't gone in nearly a year. I got about 50 of them, mostly higher up.

I'm hoping with getting the hair removed maybe the marks will go and won't look like a battleground!

Well you do you Charlotte, Transition seems to be a marathon not a sprint though, some things do just take time. It's easier for me to be fair as I'm not presenting full time.

I assume you have tried shave gels etc? Have you tried waxing instead?

[davina61]

Hair on my chest has almost vanished, not that I had a lot to start with. Still shave my arms and fingers but it grows slow so once a week. I just use a bar of cheap soap and my old face razor blade and that works for me. It just takes the HRT time to work.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

trigger warning

Mentally this week has been tough and getting worse. I'm not sure I really want to be part of any my trabsition, here, work, or life anymore. I don't know who I really am.

I've been mostly covering up my real feelings which I'm doing great at considering every minute I'm broken in pieces. I don't know how much longer I can put on this front, showing up, prerending to be positive whilst, inside, I feel zero positivity and am enquiring for the chemical I need to make it stop. I don't know if I want to do it or not. Maybe having the means will give me comfort. Nothing else is making this better.

I fear I've either got to leave my bf with no one which will destroy him or continue a life of complete misery. I don't remember what it's like to be happy.

I don't even know what would make me happy anymore. There is nothing I truely want, no place I feel truely comfortable, no place where I fit in. Everyday is intense boredom and tiredness if this world. I try to be excited about stuff but nothing is exciting. Honestly you could offer me a holiday to anywhere...I wouldn't care. It feels dull and uninspiring.

Sorry to go off on one but I need to be honest that no one sees the real me. Just a picture that I paint to curate the nice, happy, positive thing that people want to see and like. But I'm only truely positive and happy maybe 2% of the time. When I want to I'm great at constructing the person people want to see. I just make the ideal front, behave as people expect and say what they want to hear.  But it's exhausting.

I dont know why I'm saying all this.  No one really wants to hear it, but I've been bottling it uo and I'm at my wits end right now.

Maybe I haven't killed my male self enough yet. It's his fault, he afflicted me with this brain  and this hell. Well the part that I didn't inherit from my emotionally unstable father, but he is long dead thankfully. But them my male self is a part copy of the mess my dad was...completely emotionally unstable and also suicidal.  So unless I ca  kill him that resides in me I can never be free. I feel like I'm possessed by his cruelty and pain

Or maybe I really am possessed, like by a demonic entity that's determined to break me from the inside. Ensure every living second is just miserable. I've considered in desperation many times seeing a medium. Seeing if I've got some kind of attachment as it would explain so much. If I could  remove it I could finally after 40 odd years live my life and be normal. Not this disgusting freak creature that's got no living hope. That's just lying to itself that it'll ever be happy.  Everyone just lies to it and pretends it'll be happy. It will never be. Especially as there is literally no point t at all to existing.

Please please please just make it all go away.  Just stop tormenting me everyday from morning til night. I just want my mind dead and gone. Silence, peace. All this grinding noise, chaos and thouts to go. It's like a drill constantly rattling,never stops. What is peace. .I don't know. Even haunts my dreams. Hell doesn't come after death. It's here already.

[Stottie Girl]

Charlotte, I can't fully understand what you are currently going through, you are clearly in a dark place at the moment but I have been through my own depression, I can empathise. I would imagine many others on here will be the same. I hope you are able to get professional help with this and if you aren't getting it you need to demand it. I tried to fix myself and just ended up having another breakdown, the professionals are there for you but so are we in this group, if you need to vent your thoughts then do it on here. putting your fears, worries and thoughts in writing can help massively. There are also other services and groups out there if you need them, things like the Samaritans etc. They could be your advocate in getting you access to better care if you need it.

But know this, you are not a freak, there is nothing disgusting about you. You have been a warm, welcoming friendly voice for me in this place. I was terrified when I started making my first posts on here but you have been a constant. It was not an act, I do not believe you were pretending at all. I think that is the real beautiful you shining through.

Let us know you are ok.
.

[Emma1017]

Charlotte, keep writing. We hear you.

I hope the darkness that you feel begins to erode with every step of your journey.  Do things for yourself. Get your nails done.  Go for a massage. Buy something special. Exercise.  Go for a walk. Meet new people.  Do anything and everything to destroy the darkness in your life.

You are tough, and you will get through this!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thank you both. I really needed to get that out of me. It's really been boiling up in me for days. You're right it's good to get it in writing however dark...I need to figure this out as I'm up one minute then s mile down the next. But writing this had really revealed a few things to me. I'm having a screening call with psychiatry on Thursday, I will be taking noted from this to share with them. It's hard because I forget how I feel when I hit the bottom. I need something to reference so they take me seriously.

I try to be a good person. I'd rather hurt myself than anyone ever. I had to go and get cat food today, so that got me out with my boyfriend. Decided to get a coffee together and that's joined to the art gallery so we went in there too.  That's helped calm me a lot thankfully.

There was some beatiful art of what looks to be a strong woman, like a dominatrix holding a whip tight. They looked very strong and beautiful. The shadow colours and hot pinks used in the painting were beatiful. I want to feel the strength that they portray. But underneath they could have their own fears...they could be gentle and sweet. But this display is strong and dominant. It makes me think about how we present vs. our inside. Maybe part of life is that juxtaposition of inner self and outer presentation that we adapt every day of our lives.

How as one do we moderate our true selves and feelings with our aspirations, but also the expectations that we might need to meet.

I suspect this is further complicated by finding a new feminine identity that yet I still don't fully know.

Another thought...can HRT be like real puberty? For example make me stressed like a teenager but aged 44? If this is the case it could be antagonizing my existing issues making them worse.

Anyways thanks for the kindness. I hope one day you and my bf can see a less messed up person than right now.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks for letting us know you're alright.

It's absolutely a second puberty, that's exactly what it is, emotions are all over the place for a bit.

You sound like you have an eye for art and you definitely have an eye for colour, Have you tried your hand at creating art as a release?

My therapist told me to write all my dark thoughts down in a little black book (I still have it) then close it and do not look at it again until a day or two later. I then had to review it objectively and see if I felt the same way and/or whether I needed to do anything about it. It sounds simple but it really helped me. After a while I started forgetting to review it and the entries were getting less frequent. I knew then I was getting better.

[Pema]

Charlotte, thank you for sharing yourself with us, all of you. We all know that we contain multitudes, so nobody (reasonably) expects you to be eternally upbeat. That's just not how life is or how humans work.

I love Sarah's suggestion of journaling your thoughts (exactly what you've done here) and then re-reading them a day or two later to reinforce your awareness that these things do occur in waves - and that there are positive experiences between them.

A couple of months after I'd begun HRT, my wife and I had a pretty serious conversation during which I became a bit... emotional. After I had calmed some, she very delicately asked me to consider that the hormones might be affecting my mood, which was, of course, obvious. So try to be conscious, too, of the high likelihood that your emotional state is being amplified by chemicals. It doesn't make your thoughts and feelings any less valid, but it's something to try to keep in mind.

Ultimately, we are so much more than our thoughts, and we spend far too much time in our heads. Know that we love you and are here for you - no matter what you're feeling. You don't have to be anything specific to be appreciated by us.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Charlotte, I echo what Sarah and Pema are saying.

I went through a bout of deep depression a while ago. The issue turned out to be that my hormones were too low. The reason puberty is a rollercoaster is that hormones are constantly rising and falling. They are not causing the feelings, just making us more sensitive to them. We feel them more and interpret that as feeling them more intensely.

In my case, it was not the hormones but that I was experiencing symptoms of PTSD more acutely. My PTSD had not been diagnosed before that, so this really put the spotlight on it. We got the hormone and vitamin levels sorted, and my therapy sessions switched from gender dysphoria to addressing the PTSD.

In that process, journaling was part of the therapy. By writing down my thoughts and feelings, I could refer to them later in session. My psychologist then pointed out how they were all connected to what I was experiencing.

You don't need to put on a show for us or keep a happy face all the time. You are human, and you have thoughts and feelings too. You are a beautiful person inside, and that is who we love.

Hang in there. You are tougher than you know.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Reading all your thoughts about HRT I'm starting to think that a combination of HRT, but also that period where I broke down due to work stress has essentially made what I've been masking no longer bearable. It would make sense as to the resurfacing of some past trauma.

It feels very similar to Lori's account. In her case PTSD was brought to the forefront and needed to be addressed. In mine most probably BPD or something in the same kind of area. These stem from past trauma albeit very different types of experience. For me was worst ages 4 to 7, which is particularly a problem as main survival and personality schemas develop at this time. So mine is warped to fit a danger I no longer face, manifesting as personality disorders.

I basically lived in a lot of fear after being lifted up by my throat, strangled against a wall at home by my dad, being smothered in a blanket at play school regularly so I couldn't breathe, humiliated getting smacked with my underwear down in front of the school assembly....the list goes on. This was all aged 4 to 7. I didn't even think anything of it at the time. I just thought I deserved it for being naughty.

Charlotte 😻

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I had my final session with my therapist today. As explained before they can't support me long term due to the complexity and specialism of what is going on in my head. I have a triage call on Thursday with the psychiatric service where I need to really get my need for assistance across.

Luckily my therapist has helped me figure a few things out. Mainly that what I'm feeling is real and certainly not anywhere near the spectrum of normal thinking. But also to recognise  how I'm feeling deep down and where this probably stems from. I'm  dangerously unable to self validate and self regulate, so my whole existence is at the mercy of external influences and events. I don't want to be this way and can see how insanely irrational it is. But this has been the cornerstone of my personality for 35 years or more. I'm now trying to break away and construct a new existence with me living for what I really want. Not what I think is expected of me and not what will get me a reaction that I need to feel that I have any value above nothing.

Well I'm going to try and just find time to get to know Charlotte. I'm not setting any goals or expectations. I plan to spend time walking, finding opportunities to meet people and just live as the new me. I feel I need to try and learn what Charlotte wants from life as it isn't maybe what Chris wanted from life...maybe I mistakenly thought they would be the same! She needs space to be and find herself.

So that's the plan. Some months of relaxing and getting to know my new self. Pushing to get professional help to sort my messed up psychological schema out into something less self destructive. I've volunteered to help at my local pride in the summer too. Get out there and just be me...just be Charlotte.

You have all helped me so much through this,  and for that I'm truely thankful. I know I'm a real handful and high maintenance at times...I'm trying to fix it. The lack of judgement and support here is really helping me to feel a little more belonging. Something I've always struggled to accept without questioning why or if I really deserve it.

Love Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

That's a really upbeat post Charlotte, nice to read. Sounds like a good session was had today. Everything you are proposing to do sounds great to me.

You need to do a bit of soul searching and discover what Charlotte's needs and wants are instead of the old you. They might match, they might not, but she has been repressed for too long. This is something I am battling with so I won't pretend I have all the answers!

Sarah

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks Sarah for your kind words of support. I think somewhere under all the noise I forgot I'm becoming a new me. A me I need to get to know.

You mention similar experiences. Getting to know who Sarah is and her needs. I hope that is going ok for you too and that you enjoy the journey. I think there's got to be some excitement to be found in this process for sure!

Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

Charlotte, you deserve it all.

Obviously I didn't know you until you came here in October, but what I've seen in those 4 months has very consistently been a person who is genuinely trying to confront the obstacles that have prevented her from knowing true peace and satisfaction with her life. And in that very short time, it seems to me like you have made some pretty significant discoveries and changes and are clearly moving in the direction of self-love and liberation. That's hard work for anyone, and you're doing it.

I don't think of you as "a handful" or "high maintenance." You're a real person - and a solidly good-hearted one - who's sharing her inner life with us as it happens. I sincerely feel honored to be a witness to your journey.

You are so loved.

Pema

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thank you very much Pema. You along with all my other friends are angels for sure. Eternally sweet and compassionate.

Lots of love, hugs and smiles to all.

😻😻Charlotte😻😻