Charlotte's scratch post

[Sephirah]

Utterly beautiful. Thank you. <3

[Dawn Kellie]

Looking good Charlotte

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Unfortunately now back to my disgusting home and miserable life.

Furmeet was nice for first time in ages. Didn't feel very feminine today thougb. I'm really finding transition hard. Many days i regret even trying to do something that is next to impossible given that I'm just a man pretending to be a woman. Every aspect of my body is set against me achieving this. Fed up with fighting my.body im not sure i want to do it anymore.

Honestly i try to convince myself im happy with how i look but im just lieing. HRT just feels a waste of time .

Charlotte

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Well at least i have a letter confirming I've got past the panel and will be offered a new patient appointment at the psychiatric department. Still a long way to go but one step further than last time.

Hopefully before i decide i just dont want any of this anymore. Im tempted to just get as much surgery as possible and delete as much of my body and face as possible. I just hate my figure, hate my face and hate my life. Im just gutted i wasnt a miscarriage. It should have happened to me.

Charlotte

[Stottie Girl]

Unfortunately now back to my disgusting home and miserable life.

Furmeet was nice for first time in ages. Didn't feel very feminine today thougb. I'm really finding transition hard. Many days i regret even trying to do something that is next to impossible given that I'm just a man pretending to be a woman. Every aspect of my body is set against me achieving this. Fed up with fighting my.body im not sure i want to do it anymore.

Honestly i try to convince myself im happy with how i look but im just lieing. HRT just feels a waste of time .

Charlotte

You're not the first person to look in the mirror and hate what they see Charlotte. We are always our worst critics. I hate my double chin and my body when I look in the mirror most days but hey, it's me. You make do or or you make changes. You are making significant changes and in my book, if your goal is to look more feminine then you are headed in the right direction, no question.

I feel like a stuck record about HRT but it really will bring changes, however, it will take time, years in fact. You are expecting to much too soon. HRT isn't a magical instant fix.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I think im going to increae my dose to 8mg E for a few months and see if that helps. Id like to get my E at least or over 700pmol/l really as 400pmol/l is not great.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Well at least i have a letter confirming I've got past the panel and will be offered a new patient appointment at the psychiatric department. Still a long way to go but one step further than last time.

Hopefully before i decide i just dont want any of this anymore. Im tempted to just get as much surgery as possible and delete as much of my body and face as possible. I just hate my figure, hate my face and hate my life. Im just gutted i wasnt a miscarriage. It should have happened to me.

Charlotte

Charlotte, you're sliding into darkness again from the sound of your posts. Don't dwell on these negative thoughts if you can. Think about the fun you've had today at the furry meet. Think about how far you have come on your journey so far. You are moving in the right direction.

Do you mind me asking if you have been prescribed anti-depressants? You could maybe talk to your GP about getting some if you think they might help.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte, you're sliding into darkness again from the sound of your posts. Don't dwell on these negative thoughts if you can. Think about the fun you've had today at the furry meet. Think about how far you have come on your journey so far. You are moving in the right direction.

Do you mind me asking if you have been prescribed anti-depressants? You could maybe talk to your GP about getting some if you think they might help.

Im already on 220mg venlafaxine which is a second line anti depressant. If im not on that i feel suicidal everyday when I wake up!

Its known to be ineffective with what i think i have.

The furry meet was nice but only a tiny % of my life. Then its back to nothing again for weeks. Just wishing every day to go faster and faster is basically what i do.

Charlotte

[Stottie Girl]

The good times are always just a % of anyones life interspaced with the drudgery of everyday living.

Are there not other options then? I know therapists can't perscribe but can she suggest alternatives that your GP could maybe consider?

I mean, it would be better not to be on medication if you can avoid it but I don't like to see you having these dark thoughts and if there is a pill that can reduce the episodes it's probably worth trying.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

The good times are always just a % of anyones life interspaced with the drudgery of everyday living.

Are there not other options then? I know therapists can't perscribe but can she suggest alternatives that your GP could maybe consider?

I mean, it would be better not to be on medication if you can avoid it but I don't like to see you having these dark thoughts and if there is a pill that can reduce the episodes it's probably worth trying.

Thats the thing though...i cant fool myself into thinking there is any point to living to enjoy just maybe 1-2% of your existence. It doesn't make logical sense as the other 33.3% is asleep and the remaining 64.6% nothingness or pain. Thats a lof of hours to wish away as quickly as possible. I just cant get my head to see the point in that.

Honestly I really struggle to understand why i exist. Existence honestly is basically pointless. Each day is just like a prison sentence im expected to endure.

I asked to go on sedative tranqiliser type meds but the doctor wont because of my job requirements. Ive slready been through all the first line options at maximum dose. Ive been on antidepressants since 2010.

Charlotte 😻

[Dawn Kellie]

Charlotte
I hate when you get like this.
It is always easy to see the bad and negative. It is so much harder to find the good, but there really is more good. Bad and hate destroy. Good and love build. Some time you have to stop and see what is good.
Even though it is virtual you have a community that love you. Each and every person here would stop and give you a hug if it was possible.  Just because we are separated by miles and boarders we all love you.

[Stottie Girl]

Thats the thing though...i cant fool myself into thinking there is any point to living to enjoy just maybe 1-2% of your existence. It doesn't make logical sense as the other 33.3% is asleep and the remaining 64.6% nothingness or pain. Thats a lof of hours to wish away as quickly as possible. I just cant get my head to see the point in that.

Honestly I really struggle to understand why i exist. Existence honestly is basically pointless. Each day is just like a prison sentence im expected to endure.

I asked to go on sedative tranqiliser type meds but the doctor wont because of my job requirements. Ive slready been through all the first line options at maximum dose. Ive been on antidepressants since 2010.

Charlotte 😻

Based on how you are on here, it will be more than 1-2% Charlotte even though it may not feel like it right now. Most of the time you're full of love, chatty and wanting to help people on here. I think if you kept an actual journal of your day to day feelings then looked back at it over a couple of months you would see that. It would be a good thing to do anyway. You do have these blips though, and they do seem to be blips, they are the minority not the rule.

You need to find ways to boost that good vibes percentage and to improve the low times at the same time. Easy to say I know.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Thanks and love you all too.

I'm still trying. Just struggle to understand the point of everything. I do honestly wish most my life away. All day at work i just want to be home. Then at home exhausted and bored, then the weekend tired, bored and depressed.  I honestly dont know what I want from life. Its scary. I really dont even know who i am, what i like or anything.

Everything ive ever done is entirely for the outcome. I never have and dont know how to enjoy the process. My dopamine receptors are burnt to death and now i need extremes to just tickle them.

Somewhere this all fits into my narrative..is it real or is it fueling some internal need and agenda?

I feel like my life is a big play act. Its not real. Thats why big decisions are nothing to me. My life is a game and my body just a character to mess with as i please. Its kinda fun to take chances, take risks, see how much i can get away with before i really hurt my body. Like im tempted to put my E in the thousands of pmol just to see what happens. Like take a chance at hurting my body...thats really exciting to me and makes me feel alive.

Damn i just dunno where my head is at!

I'll figure it out. I need to.

Love Charlotte 😻

[ChrissyRyan]

Are those animal team mascots at sports games simply animal costumes (probably are at the games) or are some of those same costumes in the furry culture (perhaps when used / worn outside of the sport games)?

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Are those animal team mascots at sports games simply animal costumes (probably are at the games) or are some of those same costumes in the furry culture (perhaps when used / worn outside of the sport games)?

All of the furries suits are custom made of their own characters (fursonas). Depending on the club's of course some mascot costumes are high quality and custom too. Fursuiters though spend a lot of money getting very well made fursuits. Most full suits range from £2000 to £15000 to get commissioned. That upper cost is a top maker in the USA called Lemonbrat. Would love one of theirs!

Charlotte

 

[Dawn Kellie]

My daughter wanted to do some of the mermaid diving. For a good tail can be $10,000.

[Stottie Girl]

My daughter wanted to do some of the mermaid diving. For a good tail can be $10,000.

Yikes! maybe talk her out of that one Kellie ha ha!

[Dawn Kellie]

I didn't have to, I told her that one is on her. Papa no tienes diez mil dólares

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks and love you all too.

I'm still trying. Just struggle to understand the point of everything. I do honestly wish most my life away. All day at work i just want to be home. Then at home exhausted and bored, then the weekend tired, bored and depressed.  I honestly dont know what I want from life. Its scary. I really dont even know who i am, what i like or anything.

Everything ive ever done is entirely for the outcome. I never have and dont know how to enjoy the process. My dopamine receptors are burnt to death and now i need extremes to just tickle them.

Somewhere this all fits into my narrative..is it real or is it fueling some internal need and agenda?

I feel like my life is a big play act. Its not real. Thats why big decisions are nothing to me. My life is a game and my body just a character to mess with as i please. Its kinda fun to take chances, take risks, see how much i can get away with before i really hurt my body. Like im tempted to put my E in the thousands of pmol just to see what happens. Like take a chance at hurting my body...thats really exciting to me and makes me feel alive.

Damn i just dunno where my head is at!

I'll figure it out. I need to.

Love Charlotte 😻

Well, sounds like you need to break the routine. Travel would seem to tick the boxes as far as I can see. It's always varied, you never really know what you will find round the next corner, it's an escape from the daily grind. I don't mean big holidays abroad  I'm talking weekends or long weekends away somewhere. Always somewhere you've never been before. Go with your partner, go alone, mix it up a bit. Go by car, go by train, fly somewhere. You get the idea anyway. Keeping it localish can keep costs down. You could stay in hotels, go self catering, go camping (great if you need to do it on the cheap), stay on a boat. The possibilities are endless. You can spend time during the week planning your next adventure which could alieviate some of the boredom on the evenings.

[ChrissyRyan]

All of the furries suits are custom made of their own characters (fursonas). Depending on the club's of course some mascot costumes are high quality and custom too. Fursuiters though spend a lot of money getting very well made fursuits. Most full suits range from £2000 to £15000 to get commissioned. That upper cost is a top maker in the USA called Lemonbrat. Would love one of theirs!

Charlotte

 

Wow that is a lot of money.