Charlotte's scratch post

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Having had an emotionally rocky festive break with a lot of soul searching, I feel tentatively ready to share my experiences, life and feelings a bit more. Unfortunately these periods of intense emotional instability are not uncommon, and I've been experiencing them since I was 15 or so years old. Sometimes I can go months without any major emotional breakdowns yet some years are almost entirely on the edge. Because of this I struggle to maintain consistency or any kind of interpersonal relationships; I end up disconnecting for long periods should my mind go that way out. Not to mention social stuff can seriously overwhelm my mind and take days of recovery to process, lamenting over every detail of every exchange.

On a positive note I'm getting private therapy to try and work through my long term troubles. Unfortunately any psychiatric help from the NHS is non existent and their talking therapies are far too general. I gain little from the mere 6 sessions I'm entitled to! Where I'm going there are options for therapists with particular specialisms and interests that I can match up with. This is a major benefit.

For years I've suspected that I have Borderline personality disorder. It keeps coming up. Everytime I explore, the experiences and feelings associated with it fit me like a glove. I could go for a private diagnosis, but I have decided instead that I will work with a therapist that has experience with this. Hopefully they will help me to understand myself better and develop some coping strategies. In 2026 I really need to make steps to fix 30 years of rollercoaster emotions!

As for my transition, this year should continue my journey towards the woman I desire to be. On March 9th I will have facial feminization surgery including Type 3 brow bone reduction (scary!!), eyebrow temporal lift, upper blepharoplasty and rhinoplasty. I think these will have a nice impact on my femininity. It will be my first ever surgery and experience of general anaesthesia! My partner will accompany me so I'm in safe hands there at least. I'm tentatively exploring bottom surgery in Thailand too, although this would be in the next couple of years. However early planning is advantageous- I can start hair removal maybe.

Also looking forward in the next 2 weeks to getting my eyebrows microbladed and my hair done a cute red colour. My story will take time, but I feel each little step adds something very special and makes the whole so much more than the sum of it's parts.

Today was my first day back at work after the break. Very few people were in so I managed to get a good few bits sorted. I've finally tested an emergency  lighting driver circuit I've been developing. It can now go out into projects this year so that's a good start to 2026.

Anyway if you've read this far I really appreciate your time and interest in what I'm upto 😊

Love Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

Charlotte, thank you for sharing these reflections.

It seems to me that you're doing a fantastic job of identifying your challenges, finding ways to address them, focusing on your strengths and what you *can* do, and taking concrete steps toward self-improvement. I know that doesn't guarantee feeling the way you want all the time (nothing does!), but I think it's the surest way to get closer to where you want to be. And it's hard work. It's "easier" to stay in the familiar discomfort and complain, but that's not the choice you've made.

All of your efforts to better yourself - and thereby the world around you - inspire me and others. That you share them here with the world, including and maybe especially your uncertainties and your struggles, is a gift to humanity. I mean that sincerely.

As Ashley says, "Onward, brave sister!"

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Thank you for your kind words Pema. These words of encouragement and the stories of others I'm seeing around here have all contributed way more than a small part in helping me push forwards.

C 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

Charlotte, welcome to the Members' Blogs!

Thanks for starting a journal of your journey and sharing it with all of us. This is your home at Susan's Place, where we can catch up with how things are going for you and provide you with a place to document the ups and downs. Years from now, you can come back here and read what you wrote and realize how far you have come.

It s sounds like you have solid plans for moving forward, and I applaud your courage and motivation to keep moving. That will pay off for you down the road.

Congrats!

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte:
I am so glad to see that just TODAY you had started your very own Blog Thread
here on the Forum.

Your Blog will become your Journal here on the Forum where you can share your
thoughts and comments regarding your life journey with your readers and followers,
and with other like-minded members. 

In addition to my own Forum Blog Thread, I keep a more private "old school" pen and paper
journal/diary at my home that includes snap shots, hand drawn doodling, and notes and
cards from my dear friends.

On cold, snowy nights, of which there are many here in Alaska where I live, I can be
found in my favorite chair in front of my fireplace reading over past entries, sometimes
with tears in my eyes, and sometimes with laughter.

When you share good news and successes, your followers and readers (me included) will rejoice
with you... and when you report "not-so-good" news we will give your our ears to listen and
our shoulders for you to lean on.

Your BLOG Thread here becomes your HOME here on the FORUM where members here
can easily find you and exchange comments and thoughts with you.

I will continue to follow your updates, postings and reply comments not only here on your
new Blog Thread but also all around the various Topics and Threads available on the Forum.

My best wishes to you for your success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.

Warmly,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator      Direct Email address:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

[tgirlamg]

Charlotte!

Welcome to your blog dear sister and congrats on your upcoming procedure!... I had the type 3 re-contouring amongst my procedures... Worry not girl! All shall be well 🙏💕👩👍... I am looking forward to seeing your life, and your blog, blossom before our eyes!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

[davina61]

Welcome to the basement (my joke as we are at the bottom of the page) , its good to have a place to empty your brain .I just stick whatever is mulling through my brain cell ,I think its like telling your best friend stuff. 

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

I've been doing some thinking today and questioning whether my desire to fully pass as female is more down to safety / acceptance than my own reasons. I was clear from the start I wanted to persue femininity as this makes me feel alive but also the best version of myself. My current progress and track still fully supports this. However at the earliest stages the backdrop was of an agender / fluid perspective.

Being originally a gay male I have a long and close connection with the overall concept of queerness. Coming from this to being trans and pansexual I still feel this to be a a part of my identity. Now if you asked if I wanted to be a cis women, I'd answer no...very different to many transfemme people I would guess? I feel that ultimately being queer so to speak is me and is a desired part of my identity. I strongly desire femininity but only in a transgender form.

So back to the start. I think I'd be happy to present mostly passing as female but still having something that shows of my male past...that I am trans...that I am queer. Does that sound odd when many want to hide this? I think my desire to fully pass is that I will struggle much more being 75% presenting female than nearer 100%. I find a distinct beauty in people that present a non binary look or sit on the very edges of gender. Part of me wants to retain that in myself. But can I safely do this? Or maybe I choose how and when I do this.

I think I want to retain my womanhood with she/her pronouns. But with the opportunity to flex around my appearance and sometimes show the full unapologetic roots of my queer identity.

Charlotte 😻

[Dances With Trees]

Makes perfect sense to me, Charlotte!
I've only been in one intimate relationship with a male and often joked that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. As much as I yearn for a feminine appearance and psyche, I still identify as genderfluid.

[Pema]

Charlotte, I don't think it's odd at all. Unusual? Sure, statistically speaking.

What I personally love about what you're saying is that you want to be the person you feel yourself to be and not conform to other people's standards. And you'd still like to blend enough to be safe. I don't think those are unreasonable desires and, in fact, I think they reflect a self-assurance that I wish everyone had.

I like to hope that as more of us calmly step out into the world and be ourselves - like everyone else in most ways, but like nobody else in a few - it will become commonplace, and bigotry and xenophobia will become increasingly considered pathological and shunned.

I can't say that I consider being queer an essential part of my identity, but it's also not one that I'm ashamed to claim. I am who I am, and I feel no compulsion to hide it or apologize for it. You shouldn't either. You are beautiful as you are, and the world is improved by your full self-expression.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think I'd be happy to present mostly passing as female but still having something that shows of my male past...that I am trans...that I am queer. Does that sound odd when many want to hide this?

I think what you are describing is not dysphoria, but alignment. Many of us want to hide parts of ourselves because they represent something that we see as wrong. But what you are describing tells me that you understand yourself quite well. You have looked inside, and you clearly see who you are. You are only trying to figure out how best to express it.

You are correct that remaining in the "uncanny alley" can be dangerous. But that would motivate me to live somewhere more accepting. As for expression, remember that gender is a spectrum, with an infinite number of possibilities. So, expression also has an infinite number of possibilities.

Look at it from all angles. Not just masculine --> feminine. You could also look more like feminine --> masculine. There are many women who wear hairstyles and colors to signal their gender. Some men wear makeup and women's clothes while sporting a beard or moustache. It isn't a matter of right or wrong; it is about how you feel about your look, getting close to that, then tweaking your style so it is exactly right.

You are going about this the right way. You are looking carefully at what you want to express. Just keep experimenting until you find the right fit.

[davina61]

I thought I would never pass but to my surprize I do unless I am in my working on the hot rod gear, just my voice lets me down sometimes. I am happy on my own but if it happens who/what ever they are it happens ,not that I am looking at 70 years old!

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Well my region is covered in snow which made my journey to work more interesting! After sliding out on a corner of my road last year and hitting a parked vehicle, I'm now fearful of any speed on my snow covered street. That episode increased my insurance by over £200 this year. It would have been more if hadn't have fixed my own car myself.This morning was -5C but didn't feel so cold. It's not stopped my kitty going out to play and leave her paw prints in the snow!

Most people were back at work and we have solid plans to improve operations and reliability. Hopefully this means I won't have so many panic attacks this year, unlike last years constant negativity and pressure.

In other news I'm getting close to agreeing SRS surgery in early 2027. Assuming the final quotation is suitable, I plan to book this ASAP. I only need minimal depth so can go with the simpler inversion procedure. That's a major benefit in terms or cost and recovery.

Well I think it's time to feed my 3 kitties then goto bed as it's 23.12 here and I'm at work tomorrow!

Charlotte 😻

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

    @Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte:

I am so very happy to read the exciting news of your SRS plans early next year.
That will obviously be one of the major steps in your transition life plans.

When you finally get the procedure booked that will give you and your readers
and avid followers (me included) a good reason to rejoice as the final date
approaches month by month and day by day.

Thank you for sharing and posting.  Please keep us all updated as you feel
comfortable doing.
    ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]