Charlotte's scratch post

[Sephirah]

Lauren, I really hope that you don't mind helping me and reading through the complexities of my mind! Really there is so much and I don't want you to feel like you're just working as a therapist for me or that I'm taking too much.

You're probably right in a way. I grew up with two older half brothers that got all the attention. Add to that think I was a bit slow as a kid, not helped by being a July baby so starting school aged 4 in with far advanced classmates.

Basically everyone thought I was lame and my half brothers said I was rubbish regularly. I was taught to succeed using fear of violence, humiliation or the threat of being kicked out the house. So ultimately I learnt over time to succeed. At high school I laid in bed every night worrying that I'd never get a job, never succeed in life and that I'd be a failure. I'd written myself off.

So now i think my whole system is setup to prove myself and seek persistent external validation.

But I probably have ADHD / personality disorder / autism or similar. In my first years of primary school I was useless and weird. I ate wax crayons, ate newspaper and pooped myself hiding behind the blackboard. Yet 5 minutes later I had wired lights in series with a battery and switch! Even the teachers didn't understand how to do it.

But I just got punished by having my underwear pulled down in front of assembly and smacked on my bare butt in front of whole school.

Honestly there's so many things that I can't get my head around it. But these things almost certainly have shaped my reward / coping systems.

Charlotte 😻

Listen, honey... you are beautiful and you deserve to be okay with yourself. I just want you to feel okay, okay? And whatever I can do to facilitate that, is worth it. We all have a literal minefield of crap in our heads. It comes from being human. Being able to navigate it is kind of the key to a successful life.

Can I ask... where did this violence and humiliation come from, primarily? From your siblings or your parents or somewhere else?

Listen, honey. It's okay. You're not weird and you're not defective and you're not useless. You're just trying to deal with a lifetime of programming that's left you feeling this way. Me saying it won't undo how you feel, but I just want you to know that you're not alone, okay? And there are people in your life who respect you for you. <3

[Stottie Girl]

That is abuse plain and simple Charlotte, at school and at home. Did you take any action or do you prefer not to? Sorry if you don't want to talk about it, I should keep my beak out really.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

@Sephirah Thank youu Lauren. You are such a sweetheart! I can see you help so many people on here which is extremely beatiful to see.

I was humiliated both at school and home along with violence/ threats of violence etc. Only a couple of times did the violence actually manifest, but that was serious enough to make me basically live in fear of it. Plus witnessing domestic violence and threats. Problem is I was vert young still.

My dad was also very controlling of my mum and the family. He tried to commit suicide too around these times. I know he was troubled in some of the same ways I am, so don't doubt there is a hereditary component here. I don't try to control people, but I'm capable of it and still react badly when things don't go my way. I think luckily in me it's more inwardly directed e.g. I beat myself up and dont live up to my own standards, whereas he expressed emotions at other people.

@Stottie Girl Thanks too Sarah...you too are a sweetheart and help so much with your kindness. I only really realized it was abuse when I told others a couple of years ago and they said it wasn't normal. I thought it was so didn't think anything of it. That's why I'm so open because if I wasn't I'd still think it was normal!

I don't have the energy to do much, let alone pursue this legally. It would probably damage me more going through the process. I know it doesn't make it right, but this also only adds to a handful of occasions. I think the big issue was my age e.g. 4-6 so when your brain wires for the rest of your life. I'm not sure what I'd gain either pursuing it.

Add to that my Dad passed of cancer in 2003 aged 48 so he's gone. It weird because I partly grieved yet was partly glad he was gone. I could live my life now. Of course he was outwardly homophonic and at the time I was gay. Another thing that gave me sleepless nights at school. How could I ever be gay and out?

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

Well you have to do what is right for you and there is no shame in not wanting to drag up your past in a court of law, that would be tough for anyone. It just galls me that these perpetrators might have gotten away with it.

I can relate to you thinking how can you come out because of your dad. Whilst I love my dad and he has always been the nicest, kindest best dad to me. He is also a daily mail reader and it has changed his mind about certain things. He is outwardly bigotted now and I don't think he would be able to cope with my reality. He's in his 80's so I just don't want to put him through it. Different reasons I suppose but kind of the same thing.

[davina61]

My dad was a bit of a bully till I got in my late teens when I nearly laid him out after he started on me, that stopped him and he was fine after that!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I graduated running club couch to 5k today. It was really lovely seeing everyone and getting coffee and cakes after. I found it hard as the surgery and missing two weeks has left me a lot weaker. I used to be one of the fastest, but today even a slow pace made me feel sick. Still at least Charlotte is now on the Park Run list of runners. I'll make it faster when I'm recovered.

I feel very appreciated and liked at this club, so I'm going to stay for sure.

This afternoon I have electrolysis down there in Worcester again.

Charlotte 😻

[PhilippaRees]

Charlotte thank you so much for this post especially this bit

Add to that my Dad passed of cancer in 2003 aged 48 so he's gone. It weird because I partly grieved yet was partly glad he was gone.

What you described is very close to my own childhood and experiences since then. I didn't know I had been abused until my mother left my dad when she realized she had been abused. I was 30 by then. And it took another 30 years to undo the damage. Just a few weeks ago I found Philippa buried underneath it all.

When my father died I too partly grieved just for the tiny bit of him that was good. But felt enormous relief that I didn't have to see him ever again.
I thought it was just me that felt this way about a parent but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Charlotte thank you so much for this post especially this bit

What you described is very close to my own childhood and experiences since then. I didn't know I had been abused until my mother left my dad when she realized she had been abused. I was 30 by then. And it took another 30 years to undo the damage. Just a few weeks ago I found Philippa buried underneath it all.

When my father died I too partly grieved just for the tiny bit of him that was good. But felt enormous relief that I didn't have to see him ever again.
I thought it was just me that felt this way about a parent but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you.

Sorry to hear that you have had similar experiences and struggles and the pain they inevitably caused. As you say certain feelings and doubt linger. And you think you should feel a certain way about the death of someone. But life isn't that simple.

I'm glad you have gained a little peace and comfort from my share. I'm very candid because it helps me, but also because if I'm feeling it then others most likely have too. If that helps others like yourself, then that makes it worthwhile.

I'm a huge advocate of taking about feelings, even if just in private. So I lead by example. I do appreciate for others its harder or they may not wish to share, but I do my thing and that works for me.

Charlotte 😻

[Stottie Girl]

I graduated running club couch to 5k today. It was really lovely seeing everyone and getting coffee and cakes after. I found it hard as the surgery and missing two weeks has left me a lot weaker. I used to be one of the fastest, but today even a slow pace made me feel sick. Still at least Charlotte is now on the Park Run list of runners. I'll make it faster when I'm recovered.

I feel very appreciated and liked at this club, so I'm going to stay for sure.

This afternoon I have electrolysis down there in Worcester again.

Charlotte 😻

That's great news about the running club Charlotte. I think that will be really good for you. Sitting in the house and having no hobbies or interests isn't healthy for your mental state.

I was rubbish at distance running. Apart from finding it mind numbingly boring I couldn't get past the stitch phase! I was a very fast sprinter, good at short distance events like long jump and good at throwey things like javelin and discus. But distance running na, not for me. I used to regularly cycle around the 100 mile mark though.

[Stottie Girl]

Charlotte thank you so much for this post especially this bit

What you described is very close to my own childhood and experiences since then. I didn't know I had been abused until my mother left my dad when she realized she had been abused. I was 30 by then. And it took another 30 years to undo the damage. Just a few weeks ago I found Philippa buried underneath it all.

When my father died I too partly grieved just for the tiny bit of him that was good. But felt enormous relief that I didn't have to see him ever again.
I thought it was just me that felt this way about a parent but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you.

Sorry to hear of your experience growing up Phillipa (and you @davina61 ). I would echo what Charlotte says about talking being a wonderful healer. It seems there is always someone here who understands whatever you are going though and can offer help, advice or a kindly word.