Charlotte, sweetie I think you're dealing with some things that go beyond gender, or being trans entirely. Things that might have gotten mixed up in there and you're not sure how to separate them. Or perhaps associate one with the other. Or maybe have never been given the opportunity to work out.
Can I ask you a question? Okay... take the world away for a moment. Take away anything you think people expect of you. Or how other people see you. Take away everything you think you have to be, to fit in with the world around you. Focus for a moment on just... a room, okay? With a big mirror on one wall. Nothing else. No one else. Just you, in this room. You look into this mirror. Who do you see looking back at you? Can you describe this person for me? In as much detail as you feel comfortable with.
There are a couple of things I just want to really mention, from what you've said, honey.
Firstly this:
QuoteAdd to this my own deep insecurities mean I compare myself to others. I feel inferior as I'm not as womanly as many other trans people, then this makes me depressed. But deep down I don't even know if that's what I desire. I think maybe I want to be able to pass as a beautiful woman some days. But others I just want to be my agender self.
Define "womanly", Charlotte. What is it that you see that you think other people have that you think you don't? Is it a certain way of acting? Or speaking? Or how someone looks? Or something else? I could tell you that, from getting to know you through your words, I find you to be very warm, very nurturing, very encouraging, very kind, sensitive and approachable. Emotionally aware and with a huge capacity to make others feel wanted. Would they factor into your view of what "womanly" means? Or is it something else?
And also this:
QuoteIt gets harder though because I feel ugly. I just look weird and unattractive. I really hate my face and body. I try to convince myself to like them, but know I'm just lying to myself. Everyone out there just sees an ugly freak. An ugly man. People say otherwise but I know that's just because they're trying to be nice and unoffensive. People generally lie to spare feelings unless they are deliberately trying to hurt. Unfortunately I'm not stupid enough to not realize this! I wish I was. I wish people would be truthful so I didn't get my hopes up just to keep falling. Each fall destroys more of my mind.
The part I've emboldened is important because it influences everything that comes after it. When someone feels a certain way about themselves, they go out of their way to try and prove it. It's like looking at the world through a fixed lens. You see something and that's all you see. Any evidence to the contrary is invisible because the mind makes it so. We are always looking for things to reinforce how we feel about ourselves. And if that is negative, then everything you think, see and feel goes towards cementing this view of yourself. Regardless of whether how you feel is objectively accurate or not. That's irrelevant. It doesn't matter. Because we see the world based on how we feel. Reality is perception. We create our own subjective view of the world.
Like you say, if someone doesn't agree with how you feel about yourself, they must be lying. Or doing something to make you feel better. They must be wrong. Because you must be right. It's the messed up way our brains work, sweetie. Ask yourself whether it's you not being stupid enough to be ignorant of something... or whether it's you wanting to believe something because it reinforces the way you already feel and proves you were right all along.
*big massive hugs*
Listen, Charlotte, I really think that some, or maybe a lot of what you're dealing with... has nothing to do with gender. And that it is just an expression of it rather than a cause of it. Is it possible for you to talk to someone about your feelings of not wanting to exist? Or feeling like the world has nothing for you? Because... I suspect that might come from somewhere else entirely. And you might understand how you feel about your gender better if you can tackle these other parts of how you feel, separate from it.
In any case, it's good that you're talking about it, sweetie. It helps to get things out. That's a bigger step than you maybe realise. And you don't have to deal with anything alone, okay?
*extra hugs* <3
