Writing / singing lesson was really good. My tutor Erin is exactly the kind of soul I want to explore this with. Very creative, gentle and upbeat about what I'm trying to achieve. I'm going to make a backing track and we're going to get started trying my rap vocals next week. She loves my care bears dress too.
Still struggling a bit today. I'm feeling that weight again in my mind that I'm just a failed 3rd rate trans person that's just got to accept they're bottom of the pile in in terms of body, looks and feminity. This is stopping me feel like a woman and very dysphoric now. I'm really sorry, I can't help feeling this way. It's just hurting a lot right now. I dont feel optimistic about my transition and am regretting it due to this emotional pain I'm feeling. I just feel inadequate to be a woman. I don't know...doesn't help that all I see is beautiful trans woman every day. Do I lock myself away from this so I dont see or try to learn to deal with it? I think many people feel like this when they compare to others, even if most dont openly admit it. How do i learn to accept myself in this environment? If i never transitioned i would have avoided this pain. But would have failed my truth and my life would be flat. Yet now its up and down. Its exciting but god damn its hurting me...a lot. I want to be mostly a woman. I definitely dont want to be a man. But its really hard.
Charlotte 😻
