Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 05:31:21 AMWriting / singing lesson was really good. My tutor Erin is exactly the kind of soul I want to explore this with. Very creative, gentle and upbeat about what I'm trying to achieve. I'm going to make a backing track and we're going to get started trying my rap vocals next week. She loves my care bears dress too.
Still struggling a bit today. I'm feeling that weight again in my mind that I'm just a failed 3rd rate trans person that's just got to accept they're bottom of the pile in in terms of body, looks and feminity. This is stopping me feel like a woman and very dysphoric now. I'm really sorry, I can't help feeling this way. It's just hurting a lot right now. I dont feel optimistic about my transition and am regretting it due to this emotional pain I'm feeling. I just feel inadequate to be a woman. I don't know...doesn't help that all I see is beautiful trans woman every day. Do I lock myself away from this so I dont see or try to learn to deal with it? I think many people feel like this when they compare to others, even if most dont openly admit it. How do i learn to accept myself in this environment? If i never transitioned i would have avoided this pain. But would have failed my truth and my life would be flat. Yet now its up and down. Its exciting but god damn its hurting me...a lot. I want to be mostly a woman. I definitely dont want to be a man. But its really hard.
Charlotte 😻
I'm glad the writing/singing lesson went well Charlotte, it gives you something to focus on. I'm interested to see what results you will achieve together.
Don't be sliding into darkness again Charlotte, you've been doing so well lately, you know how to overcome this.
I don't know which beautiful trans women you are comparing yourself with but if it's in the media or on Youtube and the like, the reality is that a lot of these girls transitioned when they were very young, and before testosterone wrecked havoc upon them. It is unrealistic to compare yourself to them. They can offer advice in other aspects of transition but don't be comparing yourself to them physically. I bet there are some CIS girls who would feel less than when compared to them. If you have to compare (and I don't think you should) then look to places like Susans where you find real trans women (Not slighting anyone on here mind, you are all beautiful in my eyes!). For every trans beauty there will be 50 people like us.
God knows transition is tough and you are racing though it so it's got to be hard for you to adjust but ask yourself this: Were you feeling worse before you started transition or is it worse now? If it is better now then you have made an incremental improvement and the further you go on your journey the better things should get.
I know you want the quick fix but these things take time. You can't just wave a magic wand or throw enough money at it. Your body needs to adjust to Estrogen and your changes. You will grow into it and I'll wager you won't recognise yourself in a years time.
Don't loose heart petal.
Sarah xx
