Charlotte's scratch post

[Stottie Girl]

Yeah, that's pretty cold alright. The coldest I've ever seen locally was -14C but that was a rare few weeks. I've only seen that once.

[Devlyn ✅]

That was the high for the afternoon, too.

[Sephirah]

My first year in the UK we went to the Christmas Market in Leeds. I was bundled up in many layers for the evening outdoors. Then the local girls showed up in their micro skirts and tube tops. Your Northern girls are bred tough. And with an exhibitionist streak. 😁

Yeah this is kind of true.

Up north, the blood is mixed with anti-freeze. I don't remember the last time I didn't wear a T-shirt at Christmas, and my windows are open all year round.

[Petunia]

That last photo is no makep at all. Just toner and moisturiser. The earlier ones have more makeup as was covering beard shadow. Later i wear it much less. Just natural.

Charlotte 😻

I just knew you were going to say that.

At 5 years of age I was really jealous of a girl at school called Lindy because she had skin like yours.

Then there was Trudy, again the skin. I got teased for wanting to hang out with Trudy.

Then there was Anne, a girl I fell in love with but could never muster up the courage to really get to know. She was also the class smart girl and we always kept a close eye on each others exam results.

All those girls had the same thing in common. Beautiful smooth skin.

Charlotte, yours looks exactly the same in that last photo.

It is human to focus on the parts of us we hate and forget about the best bits

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I just knew you were going to say that.

At 5 years of age I was really jealous of a girl at school called Lindy because she had skin like yours.

Then there was Trudy, again the skin. I got teased for wanting to hang out with Trudy.

Then there was Anne, a girl I fell in love with but could never muster up the courage to really get to know. She was also the class smart girl and we always kept a close eye on each others exam results.

All those girls had the same thing in common. Beautiful smooth skin.

Charlotte, yours looks exactly the same in that last photo.

It is human to focus on the parts of us we hate and forget about the best bits

Loved reading about your experiences of others nice skin at school. I cant even remember noticing such things, but sounds like you're very atuned to skin detail and tone.

Awww well my facial skin on good days I'm very happy with, which is why i often feel little need to use makeup unless I'm looking for that real perfect look. I've worked to get my skin nicer since transition with plenty of moisturiser and on mornings I wash my face with warm water only.

But the flipside is too much warmth or other irritations and my neck goes red and sore. Then suddenly I'll get several spots all over my face that take days to clear and get very inflamed. Like my moods my skin goes in cycles and very much represents how good I'm feeling. If I'm run down, I really look run down.

My upper legs and butt are exactly the opposite to my face. You'd be forgiven for thinking i was infected with a contagious disease if you saw them. I could easily count 50+ red apots and sores right now.

So guess we win and lose some.

[Petunia]

Charlotte, my skin is very reactive like yours. I cover my arms and legs as much as possible as temperature changes give me hives.

I can live with that as it can be concealed with clothes.

The face is another story. I'm going to need treatment for all the red on my face

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Little to report, had a headache all day so not fun. Did go for a nice walk and wore my very cute and short pink dress. Lovely and warm today.

I've ordered 12 bottles of estradiol gel which I plan to mostly move to. That'll do 6 months at 3mg a day. I'll top up with pills if it doesn't hit my levels. Hoping this route may give improved results.

On that note I'm joining a round table at my local LGBTQ+ charity with the local health authority to discuss access to testing for people on DIY HRT. So thats something positive to contribute to that I have experience in.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think that is a great way to contribute and maybe make new friends. I think that is a great idea.

[Petunia]

Good for you Charlotte. I want to see you with more friends around you.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Not sure its the making friends kind of event and I'm terrified to even try to make friends. I dont really know how friendship works and its been 25+ years since I had what I'd loosely call a friend. I feel completely inadequate and as such am reluctant and scared to impose myself on anyone in friendship. Even if I did I'd get overwhelmed and not know what to do. Then I'd shutdown or have a meltdown.

Charlotte 😻

[Petunia]

Charlotte,
I know how that feels. I've spent my whole life avoiding social situations. I hate parties.

I don't know how to talk to people. I don't think I'm interesting enough to talk to.

I panic and often refuse to go to social events. And if I do it takes so much energy out of me.

I am fighting all my instincts to try and turn my life around.

60 years of age and only now I'm beginning to realise why I'm like this.

You've written about going to furry conventions and how meeting people there was fun.
And how there were so many other trans people there.

I never understood fancy dressing up, furries or anything like that until I went to see Lady Gaga and for all intents I was essentially crossdressed outside for the first time.

There were so many other people in costumes just having a good time. It was liberating.

I was amongst a big LGBTQ+ community and I felt so happy.

It was because I felt I was pretending to be someone else.

Really, I was. I was pretending to be me. For the first time.

So when you were meeting other transfolk how did that feel?  Did you talk to them?
Did you feel like you could be friends with any of them?

I'd like to think that if I met you, you would be my friend.

I'd be hard work but I'd hope we'd hang out from time to time.

[Stottie Girl]

Not sure its the making friends kind of event and I'm terrified to even try to make friends. I dont really know how friendship works and its been 25+ years since I had what I'd loosely call a friend. I feel completely inadequate and as such am reluctant and scared to impose myself on anyone in friendship. Even if I did I'd get overwhelmed and not know what to do. Then I'd shutdown or have a meltdown.

Charlotte 😻

I suppose if you do not currently have any friends (excluding the friends you've made on Susans) what is the worst that can happen? You end up with no friends then you are back where you started from. You have nothing to loose so you may as well throw caution to the wind and be your true self.

I'm a fine one to talk I know!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I only really got to know this one person at the furry meet as she had a problem with the illuminated eyes on her fursuit. I offered to fix them so went to her house and sorted it one day. As such we now catch up at every meet.

Its kinda like if I feel I have a reason to chat with people I will, but struggle if that's not the case. And even when I get to know someone a bit more, I'm very reluctant to try take a friendship to say meeting up outside of that context. I have a paralysing feeling that they wont really want to be friends as why would they with me? And then what do we talk about, do we really have much in common or will they just agree to be sort of friends just cos they don't want to say no.

Overwhelmingly I firmly believe that no one would really want to be friends as I'm boring and they've got so many more interesting people to choose from. Then if we were friends I seriously would feel so uncomfortable, constantly overthinking every word I say and then go home after completely overwhelmed replaying the whole conversations and engagement wondering if I did something stupid. I'd worry that they wouldn't want to be friends after that.

So mostly I'm too shy to talk with anyone else either without a good reason or minimised to compliments and small talk.

Charlotte

@Stottie Girl @Petunia

[Petunia]

Hey Charlotte, you are overthing things.
You give so much of yourself here for nothing.

You have a cheersquad that love you.

So if you randomly meet other people with the same attitude you will find love.

Sweetheart, you are such a beautiful soul. 

Attend places with people with similar interests and ask them about themselves

[Lori Dee ✅]

I only really got to know this one person at the furry meet as she had a problem with the illuminated eyes on her fursuit. I offered to fix them so went to her house and sorted it one day. As such we now catch up at every meet.

Its kinda like if I feel I have a reason to chat with people I will, but struggle if that's not the case. And even when I get to know someone a bit more, I'm very reluctant to try take a friendship to say meeting up outside of that context. I have a paralysing feeling that they wont really want to be friends as why would they with me? And then what do we talk about, do we really have much in common or will they just agree to be sort of friends just cos they don't want to say no.

Overwhelmingly I firmly believe that no one would really want to be friends as I'm boring and they've got so many more interesting people to choose from. Then if we were friends I seriously would feel so uncomfortable, constantly overthinking every word I say and then go home after completely overwhelmed replaying the whole conversations and engagement wondering if I did something stupid. I'd worry that they wouldn't want to be friends after that.

So mostly I'm too shy to talk with anyone else either without a good reason or minimised to compliments and small talk.

Charlotte

@Stottie Girl @Petunia

As a lifelong introvert, I totally understand this. What I learned is that I was trying too hard to be friends with someone I liked.

Don't try. That is where you are overthinking, worrying, and second-guessing. Just go and have fun. Be yourself. Others will talk to you, but just be yourself. If nothing happens and no one talks to you, that is okay. Then you show up again, and again, and again. Soon, you become one of the "regulars," and they will get the feeling that you are shy. Some will reach out to you BECAUSE they sense you are shy. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm not a very social person myself. Crowds drain me very quickly, so my visits tend to be short. Just remember that you are not there to get something from them. You are there to enjoy their company, learn something new, and just be a part of the group. No one expects any more than that.

[Stottie Girl]

I was about to say you are thinking like an introvert but Lori pipped me to it. I have exactly the same thoughts. I simply do not know how to make friends and rely on the slim possibility that someone might come to me (no luck so far ha ha!). My mind goes through all the same thought processes yours does.

You are thinking like an introvert but your actions are like an extrovert. The furry meets, putting your music out there, the bold fashion that you wear. The two seem to be incompatible on the face of it. You need to channel your inner furry and take a chance. As I said before you really have nothing to loose. If you do nothing you definitely will not make new friends, if you grasp the opportunity you could have a friend for life. She sounds like she already likes you so the risk is minimal in my opinion. Lean into it Charlotte.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I've started practicing controlling my larynx which goes nicely on top of my work on my range. Its pretty hard to hold my larynx high continuously without a lot of thought, but I can hear how its going to help move me to the next stage. Quite excited as I can feel the parts coming together and feel there is a route to achieve this given time. Again if you don't mind listening I'd be very grateful. Thankies!

I'm using voice tools as suggested by Sarah to monitor my progress and do the these tests. Thank you Sarah!

Voice 1 🔗 [Link: drive.google.com/file/d/17l3nMz_​CZvWfWJTsUTJ-​MAILpMJ-​Hyss/view/]
Voice 2 🔗 [Link: drive.google.com/file/d/1lGWSFiKCE4uB4hfa7ZovakA4tzntbNez/view/]

Charlotte X

[Courtney G]

Very nice work, Charlotte! I feel that the first one, though a bit lower in pitch, is more feminine, but they both have a nice dose of female inflection. I recall hearing a bit of your practice not too long ago and this looks like a major step forward!

As a musician, the suggestion that comes to mind is this: relax and slow down a bit. Maybe more than a bit. Like, really take your time with it, as though you were reading this to a young child as a mother would. Feels like you're speeding through it so you can be done with it. A slower, more lyrical pace will sound quite nice and musical, with the added benefit of allowing you to focus a bit of the words you're saying.