Well my GRS is now confirmed as Sigmoid colon so expecting a bit more gruelling first few days of recovery. Limited food intake and probable abdominal pains. But like any surgery, its getting through those first few days for the benefit of a lifetime after. I just sincerely hope I'm not one of the few % with bigger issues, but if so will just have to run with it as best I can. I'm really looking for the additional experiences this type of GRS surgery will hopefully give me, but I can't go into detail here!
On that note my relationship is now officially ENM (ethical non monogamy) which works for us both. He's not fully comfortable offering me sexual experiences and he understands that I need those. I'm already on a female only app looking for casual / hook ups which is really scary tbh. This is the first time I've been out there as Charlotte and being judged for that kind of thing. But I feel so out of place and like I don't really belong there. There are all these beautiful women on there and part of me feels like a fake, like I'm neither feminine enough or good looking enough. Like why would anyone want me considering all the others there? Even other trans women on there just make me look underwhelming. I dunno, its just bringing out insecurity I've not felt yet as Charlotte. I've considered judgement out and about that I care less about. But this time I do care what people think...I want someone to find me attractive enough that they want to have fun with me. But I cant in all honesty believe that anyone on there looking for a woman would want me as a trans girl and one that's at best mediocre looking. Also a lot of the women looking for casual / hookups are married to men - are they really going to see me as woman enough to fulfil their needs considering they have a male partner?
Then there's another dimension. Do I want this full experience with another woman before my GRS? Sure I'd love a touchy feely thing with someone, but wouldn't want to use down there, unless maybe they were very reassuring with me and truly saw me as a woman. But after GRS I would feel totally as I want to be and personally on more of a level with my female partner. I know GRS is not needed to be trans, but for me it would be a paradigm shift, removing a big difference and placing me on a plane where I feel equal.
Anyways that's quite some rambling. Still lots to figure out and each experience reveals new insecurities / things to figure out with regards defining my gender.