Hello again everyone! I hope I am posting in the right place and within the rules!
I've been wondering about how exactly I define femininity in my own self since my last post. More specifically, I've thought about how I've come to form this definition and what factors influence it. I've never quite thought of my idea of the kind of femininity I wanted to inhabit (even when I identified as female) as particularly immodest. In fact, I was always deeply afraid of sexualizing my transition as I felt like in doing so I'd discredit it entirely. Even so, before my understanding of transgender experiences and subsequently my own, I took care to not objectify women. I was aware of how dehumanizing objectification felt on the receiving end from a young age. This however, was on a mostly intellectual level. To actually experience this firsthand is a completely different thing.
There was a certain point in my brief transition that the way the world around me began to change in how it related to me. As I began to subtly present differently, people related to me differently as well, in particular men. Some of it was nice. Some kind men would allow me to exit the elevator first. They'd hold the door for me. I'd get a nice complement. It was an interesting feeling being on the receiving end. But that was about where the good things ended. I learned very quickly during this period that I really hate being stared at. I was always aware that men have a tendency to give that "look" to women when they think they aren't looking. Admittedly, I had done so myself in my adolescence and I always felt ashamed afterwards. I really disliked the attention I was suddenly getting. I honestly felt like a piece of meat. It was a disgusting feeling being objectified in real time and I just wanted to get out of their sight. All I really wanted was to just walk back home from work in peace, that was it. I have even been followed while walking home and I can still vividly remember the fear I felt. I just don't understand men sometimes. It was through these experiences that I have gained a very deep sympathy for really anyone who is objectified by others and in particular women.
I believe this is what they call the "male gaze" and I have found that even after my detransition I have been both the victim and perpetrator of this in my own self. Perhaps, the very gaze that I have come to loathe is perhaps the very one I project onto myself. Perhaps I unconsciously measure myself against a patriarchal standard of femininity that will not serve me in the future. One of my biggest concerns regarding my femininity was that I'd lose it as I age. But I've been thinking about what
@Susan gently suggested in my previous post quoted below,
"It may also help to gently reframe one assumption you touched on: femininity is not something that simply disappears or is 'lost forever' unless it's defined very narrowly. Expression evolves. Presentation adapts. Choice remains."
I absolutely agree and I believe my definition has been narrow. There are in fact women out there who age and indeed find that both expression and presentation evolve with time. They are nevertheless happy and content with their lives despite the loss of physical traits patriarchal society deems as "feminine". They inhabit femininity nonetheless even if patriarchal society doesn't appreciate it. This very logic also happens to apply to me with my own sense and expression of femininity. It reaffirms what Susan kindly pointed out. I think a consistent trend among younger generations is this sort of sexual aggressiveness that comes with gendered presentation in that it must be maximalized as much as possible (not necessarily overtly). As people tend to age, I assume the way in which gender is expressed tends to change so that it is less burdened by the former (please correct me if I'm wrong!). With that, society seems to push this narrative that people, particularly people who present femininely, must stay perpetually young, otherwise their value is lost. This is neither true, healthy or possible. There is in fact a multi-billion dollar industry attempting to sell anti-aging products by perpetuating and pushing an unhealthy, patriarchal beauty standard onto people who are otherwise aging completely normally and healthily.
As I think about this, I have no clue whatsoever at what point I internalized any of this. Maybe I always thought it was normal (capitalist mind control..?). Regardless, I have often found that understanding the ways in which you are influenced often allows you to more freely choose whether you are influenced or not and how you participate. In this case, I definitely feel much lighter about aging and I thank everyone for their replies in my previous post as it's given me much to ponder about.
I am curious to hear all of your thoughts and opinions on the matter.
