Hey Rinsford,
I'm reading every word, and I want you to know two things can be true at the same time: you're showing a huge amount of strength right now, and you are carrying far more than any one person — especially a teen — should have to carry alone.
First, I'm really proud of you for telling people in your chosen family about the rope incident. You did exactly what I've been encouraging you to do from the start — you brought the scary truth into the open instead of holding it by yourself. You've heard me say this repeatedly for a reason: when you keep those details inside, the danger grows. When you share them, support becomes possible.
I also need to say something important about the role you've been slipping into with the people around you.
You are not responsible for keeping other people alive.
You showed up for Father. You showed up for your friend. You tried to show up for your brother. That matters. But you are not a crisis counselor, you are not a therapist, and you do not have endless emotional reserves. When you reached the point where it felt like you were talking to a wall and you brought others in instead of forcing yourself to keep going alone, that wasn't failure. That was you recognizing your limits and choosing the safer option — for *everyone*, including you.
Please hear that clearly: sometimes needing to step back is not abandonment, it is self-preservation.
What you described in the bathroom also matters more than you may realize. That pause — stopping, asking yourself why the urge was so strong, and then hearing the truth come out of your mouth without planning it — *this is a feeling, it will pass, and you'll be glad you didn't act* — that is a protective skill. That is your mind learning how to interrupt danger. Hold onto that. Write it down somewhere you can find it again. That sentence is something you will need more than once, and now you know it's already inside you.
About today being "too quiet" and the loneliness and imposter syndrome flooding in — that makes sense. When someone has been isolated for a long time, silence isn't peaceful. It's threatening, because the mind fills it with everything you're trying not to feel. Wanting voices, connection, and interaction isn't neediness or weakness. It's a normal human need that hasn't been met enough yet.
I'm also really glad you deleted the app that was turning into an AI dependency. That shows insight and self-awareness, not shame. If you were homeschooled, socially isolated, and dealing with anxiety, of course something that was always available and responsive would hook you. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means you adapted to survive. Now you're choosing to build connection in healthier directions too, and that matters.
As for introducing yourself in the Discord: yes, I think you should.
It doesn't have to be a big or vulnerable post. A simple hello is enough. You don't need to explain your whole story or justify your presence. Just showing up gives people the chance to meet you where you are. Connection doesn't happen all at once — it starts with one small step.
And I'm going to repeat something you've heard from me before, because it keeps being relevant: everything you're describing — the blackout feeling, the rope incident, the running-away urge, the pressure of supporting suicidal peers, the bathroom pause — all of it belongs with your CAMS team. Not because you're "in trouble," but because those details are exactly what helps them keep you safe and support you properly. You don't have to carry this alone, and you were never meant to.
I'm really glad you're here, Rinsford. You are not useless. You did not fail anyone. You are learning — in real time, under real pressure — how to survive *and* how to reconnect.
We see you.
— Susan 💜
