Hi Justin,
Welcome to Susan's Place! I'm Susan, the site founder. I want you to know you've found a community that understands what you're carrying.
That phrase you used—"figuring out how to blow up my life"—I hear the exhaustion in it. You've been managing something enormous in secret while trying to hold everything together, and you've reached the point where the weight of hiding has become unbearable. That's not weakness. That's your authentic self refusing to stay buried any longer.
Eighteen years is a long time, and I won't pretend this will be simple. Your wife will need time to process something you've been living with privately, possibly for decades. Some marriages find new footing through this; others don't survive it. What I can tell you is that continuing to disappear inside yourself isn't sustainable either—you already know that, which is why you're here.
Sarah's suggestion about finding a gender-experienced therapist is worth taking seriously. Having someone in your corner who can help you think through the conversations ahead, and support you through whatever responses you receive, makes a real difference.
I'd also encourage you to read through Amy's thread:
New here: my husband just came out to me as transgender.
Amy is a spouse whose partner CynthiaR recently came out to her, and she's been working through the process openly here. It's a window into what your wife might experience—the fears, the grief, the questions, and also the moments of connection and growth. Seeing it from the other side might help you understand what she'll need from you, and give you hope that couples can navigate this together when both people are willing to do the work. If your spouse is open to it, she can find peer support in the significant others forum as well.
On the name question: Peach resonating with you matters. Names often find us in unexpected ways. There's no timeline, no right answer—just what feels like home when you hear it. Keep trying things on. You'll know.
You mentioned your son will be sixteen soon. Kids that age frequently surprise us with their capacity for acceptance, even when the adults around them may struggle.
You're welcome here, Simplycause. Vent when you need to. Ask questions. Read what others have written. You'll find you're not nearly as alone in this as it feels right now.
With respect,
— Susan💜
@Pugs4life referred the new member from this thread, Justin who is in roughly the position
@CynthiaR was when she arrived at the site. I also encouraged them to read your thread, as you can see. If their spouse is willing I suggested they could start posting on the significant others forum as well. I figured that I should give you a heads up.
