Talking to wife/starting over

[Simplycause]

With my appointment the 31st my plan is to go to dinner with my wife this weekend and then aftwards talk to her about being Trans.

Whether or not she's supportive it's going to end my marriage. And I've never lived on my own before. I lived at home through college. It was expensive so when my mom decided she wanted to move back home I moved with her and my stepdad and then about a year and a half later moved in with my now wife.

This morning was the first morning I've woken up and felt, ok with this chapter of my life ending.

My worry now is that my wife will surprise me and want to continue forward. I know that sounds terrible but writing about my interests and things I like to do not changing I believe all of that but I also came to the epiphany that I don't know myself at all and want to not be Justin anymore.

And I still feel disconnected from what's an emotional decision and conversation.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think that the key is that you do not want to be Justin anymore. You have an understanding of what you want to explore for your own benefit. How that will take shape is what you are still figuring out. That is not a bad thing.

Remember that your wife's acceptance or not is her decision and not yours. Even if your dynamic is no longer the typical man/wife scenario, it doesn't mean it needs to be discarded. Having an ally can be very helpful. If you feel you must live alone to pursue your interests, be honest about that. She can still be a supportive ally even if you do not share the same household.

I guess what I am saying is don't burn bridges unnecessarily. Give her time to figure out what you are telling her. Allow her to ask questions. Help her understand, so she can decide from a position of understanding instead of emotional ignorance. Then see if there is a path forward that includes her.

I hope things work out well for both of you.

[Robbyv213]

I feel for you. I am in a similar situation. Even though my wife has known now for almost a year that I'm trans and figuring out who I am, living together this past year has taken its toll on both of us. We still both love one another and care about each other very deeply. But she has been sacrificing parts of herself and holding back and so have I.

A relationship has become more of that of being roommates who share the same bed then man and wife and lovers. She has been allowing me or I should say giving me the space to try and explore this and figure out who I am on my own privately without doing so openly in the privacy of our own home because of our children.

During this time she's been trying to deal with it as best as she can as well and heal and survive and figure out what it means for her and who she is as an individual as well as all the potential dangers and risks that would also come her way.


So to say the least this last year or so has been pretty rough and I understand where you're coming from with finally letting go and feeling like you can breathe to only realize that if she does support you and want to continue this path with you that for some reason you feel like you might still unconsciously hold back and not allow yourself to fully explore this area that you've been repressing for so long.

And I feel exactly the same way. As much as I would love for us to stay together because it would be convenient as well as much as it would be financially smart for us to stay together. Our relationship has evolved into something different than what it began as. The only way I think we both would be able to remain in our relationship as if we can both be who we are without sacrificing one bit of it and I don't think that would ever be possible.

Because when you're in a loving relationship you feel the need to compromise or sacrifice for your partner and the relationship even though neither person should have to it's what is going to happen. And so like I said as much as I would love for us to stay together I know ultimately deep down I would probably continue to hold myself back maybe not as much as I'm doing now but I wouldn't allow myself to fully be able to explore and figure out who I am.

Most people go through a period of solitude where they're on their own and that's when they figure out all the tough things in life and who they are what their beliefs are and what their values are. I've never done that or had the opportunity to do that. My wife has she just literally did that right before we met and got together.

She's so empathetic to me and wants me to be able to grow as an individual and be who I need to be and she doesn't want to hold me back as much as I don't want to hold her back and see her light diminish as well because neither of our needs are being met.

So no it's not wrong of you to feel that way it's just another emotion that you need to be able to feel and sit with and be present with and not judge that it's good or bad. It's just an emotion that has every right to be there just like all your other emotions you've ever felt were neither good or bad they just are just as you are.

[Simplycause]

I think that the key is that you do not want to be Justin anymore. You have an understanding of what you want to explore for your own benefit. How that will take shape is what you are still figuring out. That is not a bad thing.

Remember that your wife's acceptance or not is her decision and not yours. Even if your dynamic is no longer the typical man/wife scenario, it doesn't mean it needs to be discarded. Having an ally can be very helpful. If you feel you must live alone to pursue your interests, be honest about that. She can still be a supportive ally even if you do not share the same household.

I guess what I am saying is don't burn bridges unnecessarily. Give her time to figure out what you are telling her. Allow her to ask questions. Help her understand, so she can decide from a position of understanding instead of emotional ignorance. Then see if there is a path forward that includes her.

I hope things work out well for both of you.

I'm not looking to burn a bridge or have my wife and kid out of my life. However answering some questions I know will come up I can't see this continuing.

I've not physically been unfaithful or physically stepped outside my marriage. I have when craigslist was a thing taken pictures of myself dressed and have done the samething on Grndr. I don't particularly fine men sexuall6 attractive, though I'm attracted to the idea they find me to be a woman. But I don't know if that distinction is because I'm unavailable and that's the line I've drawn for myself to have a clear conscience.

[tgirlamg]

I'm not looking to burn a bridge or have my wife and kid out of my life. However answering some questions I know will come up I can't see this continuing.

I've not physically been unfaithful or physically stepped outside my marriage. I have when craigslist was a thing taken pictures of myself dressed and have done the samething on Grndr. I don't particularly fine men sexuall6 attractive, though I'm attracted to the idea they find me to be a woman. But I don't know if that distinction is because I'm unavailable and that's the line I've drawn for myself to have a clear conscience.

@Simplycause

Hey Sister!

You sound filled with resolve to leave behind the aspects of your life which no longer serve you... We build up and entangle ourselves so much around the persona we have long carried as armor to prevent others from seeing truths, that often, even we ourselves were not ready to deal with...

Eventually a tipping point comes where our worst fears about what could happen if we show ourself to others... is no longer as bad a prospect as hiding any longer...

Untangling ourself and then setting about finding the long buried person within is a process that will take time... it is like unearthing long buried puzzle pieces and assembling them as you find them to understand the picture they form...Move with care... as has been mentioned, don't burn bridges unnecessarily but still, seek out the things you need!

After a lifetime of relationships with women, I found myself meeting men early in my transition... if you had told me 15 years ago that I would be happily married to a man some day, I would have laughed... yet here I am... later this year, we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary...

Amazing discoveries await you sister and I hear in your words the intent and determination to find them...

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕