Round two on finding a therapist

[Cynthia Brown]

I am 71 and re-visiting therapy.  I have crossdressed since my teens off and on, sometimes very on.  When I was 50 it was a very on stage including spending four days enfemme 24/7 in Chicago.  Riding the El, makeover at the MAC counter on Michigan Avenue, buying some wigs, Rori's, the Island Girls and much more.  I came homel and sought out a therapist to discuss transitioning.  I remember the first couple of times I met with her, I was Jane Doe, shaking so much, some crying and we worked together for 18 months.  I was balancing family, career, place in the community against the reality of who I was inside.  My wife traveled out of town for a few days and I really amped up my dressing and left some makeup brushes in a bathroom drawer that we shared.  We had the talk, no not gay, dressing a long time and she even came to a few sessions with my therapist.  I had to decide whether I wanted to transition, she didn't want to be married to a woman, very different time back then.  I said no when the honest answer was I'm not sure.

Flash forward 20 years later I have dressed off and on, purged two years ago but re-started after Thanksgiving. Diving into the deep end.  I found a therapist and we had two sessions, both virtual, I showed up enfemme for the second session.  It is still a tough choice about family, kids, grandkids.  I need to sort it out.  The first therapist was a transition cheerleader so I have moved on and meet with a new therapist tomorrow.  We had an introductory conversation and she seems more aligned with helping me figure out what I must have and what I can accept losing and how to mourn the change.

Sorry for the lengthy note.  I need to say it for my sake and if you made it so far, I welcome a response.  I am so glad I found my way here.

Cynthia

[Pema]

Hi, Cynthia. Congratulations on the new start.

I'm so glad that you've decided to prioritize yourself but also to approach it in a clear-headed, measured way. The fact that you recognized that a transition cheerleader wasn't what you needed to get to the heart of the important issues in your life says a lot about your commitment to finding your truth.

You didn't mention your wife in the present. Are you still together? If so, are you talking to her about your feelings?

Good luck tomorrow. Please keep us updated. We care.

Love,
Pema

[Cynthia Brown]

My wife and I are still married.  41+ years.  I have not told her that I am back talking to a therapist.  I believe that if she heard that she would immediately move to a divorce.  I don't know for sure.  I have decided that I am first going to work out what I want and how I want to spend this next chapter of my life.  The smiling husband, father and grandfather behind the mask or as Cynthia and where that leads.  I hope to figure that out with my therapist in the next few months and then have the conversation with my wife on what I have decided I need for me.  Some days that feels selfish and other days I understand that I am also entitled to my life.

Cynthia

[Susan ✅]

Cynthia,

I'm really glad you recognized that the first therapist wasn't the right fit. Finding someone who can help you work through the "what I must have versus what I can accept losing" question — that's the real work, and it sounds like this new therapist understands that.

The tension you're describing about *when* to talk to your wife is very real, and there isn't a perfect answer. I understand wanting more clarity first, so that when the conversation happens you can express what you're feeling in a grounded way instead of from a place of fear or pressure.

At the same time, I do want to gently remind you of something important: twenty years ago your wife came to therapy sessions with you. Even if the outcome was painful, that still showed a willingness to engage. A lot can change in two decades — in both people, and in the circumstances around them.

And one more thing: you mentioned that some days it feels selfish to prioritize yourself, and other days you understand you're entitled to your life. That frame itself may be part of what therapy helps you untangle. The fact that you care deeply about your family doesn't make your need to live authentically selfish. Those two truths can exist side-by-side.

You're doing the work — and that matters.

If you feel comfortable, please keep us posted on how tomorrow's session goes.

— Susan 💜

[Cynthia Brown]

 What a difference getting the therapist right makes. We had an introductory call last week that felt very warm and engaging.  Today's session was an hour and ran through a lot of my history.  Dressing since my teens, issues with my parents, therapy 20 years ago, relations with my wife and about to talk about why I started dressing again after a purge two years ago.  I had sent my therapist I intro history I had written 20 years ago and she had read it and was prepared for diving into our session.  Acknowledging that I am a trans woman who has to decide on a path forward, transition or not to keep my family and marriage intact.  It felt like such a weight came off saying so much of this out loud to her and sharing some of this here with a caring group.  Thank you all.

Cynthia