Not feeling particularly trans lately

[Asche]

When I drop by Susan's these days, I find most of the discussions feel irrelevant to my life.  All the sturm und drang of being trans and of transitioning seem like things that don't really have much to do with me or my life.  It's like it's something I vaguely remember, but it's lost in the fog of memory, to the point that it feels like it happened to someone else.  I "live as a woman", I say, but it isn't anything special, it's just the stuff I do to get through the day, I don't have to think about it all that much.  These days, my consciousness is mostly thinking about dealing with the long COVID/chronic fatigue syndrom that rules my life, and trying not to let myself dwell for too long on the things I can't do, and on the constant choices I have to make (cf. The Spoon Theory) -- do I skip this thing that I want to do so I won't be too wiped out to do this other thing that I really want to do, but maybe I'll end up too wiped out and sick to do either.  And the brain fog that makes it hard to focus enough to do more than one or two things.

The one way that "being trans" is an issue is that I still feel like I'm not part of the human race.  The people around me -- cis people -- see the world and relate to one another in ways that I can see and play along with, but it's not really me.  I feel like a foreigner who has learned how to seem native, but the foreign part of my soul has no place in this world. The only places I feel halfway at home in are the trans support groups I attend and the bi/pan/queer support group, and I think it's because the people there are all so different from one another that I feel like my peculiarities fit right in.

[Susan ✅]

I've been thinking about what you wrote, Asche.

There's something profoundly right about what you're describing—not the Long COVID piece, which sounds exhausting and limiting in ways I wish you didn't have to navigate—but the rest of it. The way transition has receded into just... life. The way the forum discussions feel distant now, like reading about someone else's experience.

That's not loss. That's arrival.

You transitioned so you could have a life that wasn't consumed by dysphoria and wrongness. And now you have one—one that's currently dominated by health management and spoon theory calculations, yes, but that's your actual life, not the meta-problem of "how do I become myself." You did that part. It's done enough that it doesn't take up cognitive space anymore.

The "not feeling particularly trans" thing? I think that might be one of the better possible outcomes. You're not having to think about it constantly because the acute crisis passed. You integrated it. It became background instead of foreground.

But this part—about not feeling part of the human race, about being a foreigner who's learned to pass as native—that lands differently for me.

I wonder if what you're experiencing isn't about being trans at all, but about being a certain kind of person. Because I notice you feel at home in spaces full of people who are also outside the default scripts. Trans support groups, bi/pan/queer spaces—places where everyone's had to construct their identity deliberately instead of inheriting it unexamined.

Maybe the foreignness you feel isn't "I'm broken" or "I don't belong." Maybe it's "I see the performance, and most people don't, and that creates distance." You learned the culture as a second language. You can be fluent and still not be native. That's not the same as being disconnected from humanity—it's being connected differently.

The people in those support groups aren't more foreign than cis/straight folks. They're just more aware of the construction. And that shared awareness creates the sense of home.

I guess what I'm saying is: I don't think you're broken or lost. I think you successfully transitioned, and now you're living a regular, difficult, human life that happens to include chronic illness and also happens to include the particular kind of existential awareness that comes from building your gender instead of receiving it pre-made.

That combination might always create some degree of "I see the strings holding up the set" distance from people who don't see them. But it doesn't mean you're not part of the species. You're just in the subset who had to learn the language explicitly, and that changes how you relate to the culture forever.

You are home, Asche. You're just the kind of person who's always going to be a little bit aware of the floorboards creaking.

And honestly? The fact that you're bored with trans forum discussions because they're not relevant to your current life anymore sounds like a kind of success worth celebrating, even if it comes with a bittersweetness about what that displacement means.

With love and support!
— Susan 💜

[Pema]

I'm with Susan, Asche. I'm in the early stages of transitioning, and I still don't really "feel trans" or even know what that means. I'm just me, doing what I'm doing. I look forward to the day when I'm not doing electrolysis and still evolving. But I don't see "being trans" as a huge part of my identity, now or ever.

I'm pretty sure you mentioned a while back feeling like you're an alien. That's where I've always been. I tell people I'm not from this planet, because I really don't feel like I am. Our society and the way the vast majority of people live their lives honestly make no sense to me. I used to feel bothered by it, but I've come to accept that that's just the way it is.

And I get that that can not only be lonely but a bit frustrating. As a child, I would often think, "I wish I could be like everyone else and be content doing <whatever>." But very quickly I'd realize, no, I don't wish that at all.

Where I differ from Susan is that I don't think I ever did really learn the culture. My efforts to mimic it always felt so phony that I just couldn't do it. As a result, I think it just became increasingly odd to me. I don't know if you'll relate to any of that.

But I completely agree that not feeling trans is a pretty solid sign of just being very stably yourself, as you are. I eagerly await the day that I join you there.

I say just keep hanging out with the people who feel comfortable to you. There doesn't need to be a category.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Asche,

I always love it when you post because you show us things that we don't always see. There is wisdom in that.

During most days, I don't feel trans at all. Like you and Pema, I am just me going about my daily life. I don't think about femininity or masculinity. Those are not really something that I ascribe to anymore.

I started being the Manly Man™ until therapy taught me that this was merely a defense posture. Then I embraced my transition until I was 80% comfortable with my body. Some things remain out of reach, but I stay realistic and try not to worry about them. I just be me.

What you are seeing in the discussions is people who are still on that path, some just starting, and are struggling with that experience. We try to support them, give good advice, and all of that takes up a lot of forum space. That is not a bad thing. That's why we are here.

But don't ever feel like you are not part of the discussion. You have much to offer. Many senior classmates move on to jobs and families and don't stick around to mentor freshmen and sophomores. You are part of the alumni, so when you do offer your insight, it is pure gold.

I hope you find relief from your health issues. When you are here, belonging is not a problem. The fact that your path was different from many means it is special and deserves just as much recognition and forum space. We all learn from each other.