Lost

[Dawn Kellie]

I just read something that makde me think. I have lost something in my life. I absolutely love my wife and have a sense of relief when I'm with her. The rest of my life is just a sense of doing my job or the required chores around my house.
Then after a few years I started dressing again  I know wear panties daily, have colored toe nails and matte fingers.I have found something that gives me some joy. Will I transition? That is a question for later.
Thank you all for being here to listen to my rant

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

    @Dawn Kellie:
Dear Kellie:
First and foremost, you are NOT lost.  You are exploring your life choices and your future life endeavors.

Secondly, I do NOT read your posting as a RANT, but rather a brief summary of where you stand in your life
journey.

It is good to think about these things, and even better to write it out.  Writing down things like this
does a great job of cementing in your mind what you are thinking at the moment and therefore in you
quiet times your thoughts will be replayed in your mind frequently.

Please keep posting, keep sharing, and by all means, keep venting.  You certainly don't wish to disable
your "relief valve."

Along with your other readers and followers I will be eagerly following your future postings as you
feel comfortable sharing.
        ❤️
Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

I just read something that makes me think. I have lost something in my life. I absolutely love my wife and have a sense of relief when I'm with her. The rest of my life is just a sense of doing my job or the required chores around my house.
Then after a few years I started dressing again  I know wear panties daily, have colored toe nails and matte fingers.I have found something that gives me some joy. Will I transition? That is a question for later.
Thank you all for being here to listen to my rant

[Dawn Kellie]

Thank you

[Stottie Girl]

I would echo what Danielle said. It certainly doesn't come across as a rant.

Life is about exploration. It's not a race.

As a fellow newbie I'm finding this place to be cathartic and it has allowed me to explore myself in ways I didn't think about.

I've just realised I've only been a member since January 30th! Listen to me going on like I was a founding member!!

I have never posted on any message board before in my life but I'm finding this place to be somewhere where I feel I could share anything, share things I've never voiced out loud to anyone. It is frankly liberating to me.

I really think whatever is going on in your thoughts someone will be able to relate on here.

[Dawn Kellie]

Thank you as well.
At times it feels i have no one to talk to. This site has been amazing. I appreciate all the kind words. Im getting teary eyed writing this.

[Pema]

Kellie, I was confused when I read your post, because it seemed to me like most of what you described was what you have gained. What was it that you lost? And do you miss it?

For my part, it appears that you're on a path to wholeness and authenticity, and I appreciate you sharing all of it with us - even the feelings of having lost something.

Love,
Pema

[ChrissyRyan]

Not a rant.  Enjoy and share what you have. 

Transitioning is not for everyone for a variety of reasons.  There is no timetable except one that you may self impose.

[Dawn Kellie]

Today is a rough day. My wife is upset with me. I originally said I would go to our country fair. As tue day went along I lost all interest in being around people. I had a really bad week where I got in to a yelling match with my boss. What I said was correct but the way I did it was out of line. I did apologize for the way but not for the words. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel down, just loosing interest in things. I know I'm depressed I just don't know what to do. I just have this anguish.

[Dances With Trees]

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day, Kellie. Sometimes a good crying jag makes me feel much better.

[Charlotte_Ringwood ✅]

Today is a rough day. My wife is upset with me. I originally said I would go to our country fair. As tue day went along I lost all interest in being around people. I had a really bad week where I got in to a yelling match with my boss. What I said was correct but the way I did it was out of line. I did apologize for the way but not for the words. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel down, just loosing interest in things. I know I'm depressed I just don't know what to do. I just have this anguish.

Hey Kellie, Those kind of weeks you basically feel like everything is closing in on you. It sounds like underneath you're very on edge and that's put you on a very short emotional fuse. Only takes one thing and this time was your boss to make you crack. Honestly it doesn't define you. Underneath you're trying to hold it together, but it's difficult. Just finding the energy to absorb all the stiff you normally do feels like a 10 tonne weight around your chest I bet.

You've let no one down in my book. I think getting to the core of your depression/anguish and finding a way forward is critical. I sit in a similar situation to you, having lost interest in life including hobbies. A therapist is helping for me, bit still ages from any big change. But it feels positive to be doing something.

Have you any ideas on how to tackle your feelings like seeking help? Plus does you wife know why you didn't want to go e.g. you're exhausted and broken inside? I'd hope anger to move into concern and compassion at this point.

Giving you love and hugs. Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

I'm sorry, Kellie. There are bound to be weeks like that, and they're always unwelcome when they come. It makes sense to me that you'd feel like having a day to yourself today. I'm sorry your wife isn't on-board with that respite.

It sounds like you need a more extended break to center yourself. Is there any chance you could take a micro-vacation, even just a long weekend and spend some time doing something relaxing that you love?

[Dawn Kellie]

Unfortunately with my financial situation I can't take any time off. I have tomorrow then Thursday and Friday.  I will text my nails done Friday.so I will get some down time.
Thank you for your words

[Dawn Kellie]

Still not feeling great today. I decided since I had to go out and get animal feed and med refills I would try something. I had to go out as a in male form. That doesn't mean I couldn't do something to make me feel good.
I took my shower and after rubbed my body down with a new lotion. moisturizer my face and put on my eye cream. Then I put on my new concealer. Put on a new pair of panties and a snug tank top under my male clothes. Topped it off with gold anklets and toe rings in my Torrid tennies. I looked male on the out side but under I'm enfem. not much but was nice.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

  @Dawn Kellie
Dear Kelly:
One thing that you might condenser doing is when going out in male mode, you can try
wearing more androgynous clothing or even some carefully selected female clothes.

When I was in the middle of transitioning, when I went our in male mode I wore women's
jeans, many times lower rise skinny jeans, and wore a snug fitting top, sometimes not tucked in
if it was slightly cropped, much like "baby tees"
If I was concerned about my developing breasts being too apparent, I could wear an un-buttoned
or un-zipped Sweatshirt or Coat.
I also tried to find jeans that had a little shorter inseam that showed about 2 or 3 inches
of my leg and my ankle.  To finish that look I wore  no-show or very low cut socks.  I never
got any negative reaction at all.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Still not feeling great today. I decided since I had to go out and get animal feed and med refills I would try something. I had to go out as a in male form. That doesn't mean I couldn't do something to make me feel good.
I took my shower and after rubbed my body down with a new lotion. moisturizer my face and put on my eye cream. Then I put on my new concealer. Put on a new pair of panties and a snug tank top under my male clothes. Topped it off with gold anklets and toe rings in my Torrid tennies. I looked male on the out side but under I'm enfem. not much but was nice.

[Dawn Kellie]

I have to be carful. My wife is a higher up in a faith based hospital in small town Florida. I can do some but have to be discrete. For going out at this point in time this is a lot. If we go to Tampa or Orlando I can do a lot more

[Dawn Kellie]

I have found that when I have a few bourbon I feel better. I know on a base level this is bad. I think I need to reach out to a professional. There is some deep down issue. I will do that soon. For now I'm lost and my wife is my anchor. I need some help but am of the generation that means weakness. I have to swallow my pride and do it. What my future holds i don't know. Prayers are always welcome.

[Pema]

You can get through it and beyond to a new and better place, Kellie. There's a lot of shedding going on right now, and that's a good thing. This is a time for letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us. Feeling what you're feeling and asking for help is a great way to approach it. You've got this.

[Dawn Kellie]

I just wish the hard times were over. I know later I'll look back and smile, but the now is hard