One foot in, One foot out

[DRC]

Hello everyone, I just wanted to elaborate on my introductory profile.  Looking back I can see clearly now I have had gender dysphoria all my life, I can remember vividly around age 3 or 4 I had a fascination with women's clothes at that age it was centered around nylons or pantyhose.  As a curious little boy my mother thought it would be fun to play along and allow me to wear them which I do remember on one occasion, but I also remember the disappointment my father had at that moment as well.  It would be the first of many disappointments I felt as not the son he wish he had.  Anyway it soon was taught that boys don't wear women's attire and I began to sneak my mothers pantyhose and try them on while hiding somewhere in the house.  I can still feel the disgust they had when I was caught, even though they greatly disapproved I continued where I could it just felt very powerful in a way that it is hard to describe. 

As an young adult in my 20's life was hard.  I didn't get a great start to adulthood, childhood trauma from an absent father and a very controlling mother.  Looking back now at 54, she most certainly had narcissistic personality traits I as the scapegoat child and my sister was the golden child.  My father passed away when I was 37 and my mother immediately found someone new who was very controlling and did not want her to spend money on me in any way.  I've learned to be very self reliant my safety in life is what I have built for myself.  My father and grandfather where in business together but my mother forbid me to be in evolved.  I never got much in the way of male role models in my life.  I was divorced twice by the time I was 33.  I always turned to cross dressing as it was soothing trauma in my life. 

Through perseverance in my life I worked hard and built something for myself and started my own business and held my dysphoria the whole way.  I met a woman who truly loves me when I was 42.  We married 4 years later and I told her about my gender issues when I was 50.  She fully accepts me and was good with me exploring this side of me to any extent I want.  Its still you, you are the person I married on the inside.  Your loving nature doesn't change by the clothes you wear.  At this point after reconnecting with my feminine side I had an urge to start HRT.    My wife agreed this would be good for me and came to my first intake appointment.  It's been over 2 years now on HRT.  My prescribing doctor is not as up on this as I would of hoped and I have had to advocate for my own goals.  My Testosterone has been fully suppressed this whole time but only the last 4 months has my Estrogen levels been in therapeutic range. More changes have been happening recently and I am not out socially and right now that works but not sure if there will come a time where the changes-will be hard to hide?  Also my prescribing doctor is not my family doctor, so he does not know I'm on HRT.  At some point this will have to be a conversation as well.  Anyone have any advise on this in between time?  One foot in one foot out so to speak.  Just thought I'd let a little more of myself out!

[Maid Marion]

 This may time to get serious and learn what clothes make  you look good.  Styles and colors that look good to you may not actually complement your body shape and skin tone.  If you are going to wear women's clothes  you will get a much better reaction if you look good wearing them.

Marion

[Stottie Girl]

Hi DRC, I'm at a similar junction to you really. I'm 50 and also knew from a very early age that I was trans. My mother also indulged me thinking I was going through a phase but I was lucky to have a happy childhood and a good relationship with my parents. The fact you have found a partner who understands and is happy for you to explore this side of you is fantastic and something I have never had.

I have been on HRT for a good number of years and have had excellent results. I also have not transitioned socially or at work and it is working for me at the moment though I can see a time in the not too distant future when I take the plunge and go full time. There are no rules that say you have to ever go full time though, everyone is different.

If you don't think your GP would be supportive perhaps register with a different GP surgery? or consider seeing a private gender specialist first maybe?

[Susan ✅]

Hey DRC,

Thank you for trusting us with so much of your story. It takes real courage to lay all of that out, and I want you to know you're in good company here.

First, I have to say - your wife sounds like an absolute treasure. "It's still you, you are the person I married on the inside" - that kind of love and acceptance is beautiful, and having that foundation makes such a difference as you navigate everything ahead.

Your journey resonates with so many of us here. The childhood memories, the shame that got layered on top of something that was just... you being you,

Crossdressing became a way to self-soothe through trauma. These are threads we see woven through so many stories in this community. You've carried a lot, and you've built a life through sheer perseverance despite not getting the support you deserved growing up. This says a lot about who you are.

Now to your practical questions, because they're good ones:

Regarding the changes becoming harder to hide - yes, after 2+ years on HRT, and especially now that your estrogen is finally in therapeutic range, you're likely going to notice more visible changes picking up pace.

Breast development is the big one that's hardest to conceal, though a good compression sports bra or layering with looser clothing and flannels/jackets can buy you time. Skin softening, fat redistribution, and facial changes tend to be more gradual and people around you often don't notice as quickly as you'd think - they see you every day so the changes kind of sneak past them.

You may have more time than you fear, but it's wise to be thinking about it now rather than being caught off guard.

Regarding your family doctor - this one is important and I'd encourage you not to put it off too long. Your family doctor needs to know what medications you're on for your overall health management. HRT affects cardiovascular health, liver function, bone density, and lab work interpretation. If your family doctor is running bloodwork without knowing you're on estrogen and an anti-androgen, they could misinterpret results or miss something important.

You don't have to make it a big dramatic reveal - you can simply let them know you're being prescribed HRT through another provider and you want to make sure your care is coordinated. Most doctors are far more matter-of-fact about it than we fear. And if your doctor reacts poorly, that tells you something important about whether they should remain your doctor.

The "one foot in, one foot out" place is one of the hardest parts of transition, honestly. You're changing on the inside and increasingly on the outside, but the world around you doesn't know yet. It can feel like holding your breath. Give yourself grace during this time. There's no rule that says you have to come out on anyone's timeline but your own.

You've already shown you know how to build a life through hard times. You've got this too - and you don't have to do it alone anymore.

With love and support!
—Susan💜

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi DRC

Thank you again for sharing more of your story.  I genuinely appreciate the depth and honesty in what you wrote.  The way you described your childhood, the control you lived under and carrying this quietly for decades gives important context to where you are now.  That kind of long term suppression does not disappear simply because life became busy or successful.  You built a business and a marriage while still carrying this inside.  That says a lot about your resilience.

You are in a difficult place right now, living with one foot in and one foot out.  That tension is real.  Being on HRT for over two years while not being socially out creates practical and emotional strain.  It is understandable that you are starting to feel that balancing act becoming harder.

On the practical side, there are things you can do while you continue deciding how visible you want to be.  Facial hair removal is one of them.  Electrolysis or laser is gradual, medically neutral and does not force disclosure.  It reduces dysphoria and gives you more flexibility later.  It is a step that moves you forward without locking you into anything socially.

You also mentioned that your prescribing doctor has not been ideal and your levels were not right until recently.  That is significant.  At some point your primary doctor needs to know you are on HRT so your overall health can be managed properly.  If your main doctor is not supportive of your gender identity, then you will need to find one who is.  Competent and respectful medical care is not optional.  It is foundational.

I also want to restate something clearly.  You do not have to reveal yourself unless that is what you truly want.  There is no moral obligation to come out on a timeline that makes others comfortable.  This is your life.  You move at the pace that protects your well being and your marriage.

When you described how dressing felt right even though you knew it was frowned upon, that resonated with me deeply.  When I used to dress it simply felt right too.  That feeling matters.  There is nothing wrong in dressing the way you feel comfortable.  That sense of alignment is information, not something to dismiss.

It might help to spend some quiet time thinking through practical questions rather than abstract fears.  What name would you consider using in the future.  How do you feel about changing documents.  Which family members and friends are likely to accept you and who might struggle.  How far do you realistically see this journey taking you.  You do not need all the answers today, but thinking about these questions and similar one will more than likely help reduce anxiety.

Your wife truly sounds one in a million.  Her acceptance and encouragement are not small things.  Please continue to include her in every stage of this and really listen to her thoughts and concerns.  This affects both of you.  A strong marriage is not just about support, it is about ongoing dialogue and adjustment together.  If you ever feel the ground shifting between you, couples counselling with someone experienced in gender issues can be incredibly stabilising.

Others have wisely suggested slowing down, making reversible changes first and building support carefully.  I agree with that.  You have already shown you are thoughtful.  There is no need for impulsive decisions.  At the same time, do not minimise the fact that you have been living with this since childhood.  This is not a sudden whim.

You are allowed to take this step by step.  You are allowed to protect your privacy.  You are allowed to seek better medical care.  You are allowed to feel relief in expression.  And you are allowed to shape this in a way that honours both you and your marriage.

Whatever pace you choose, you are not alone in navigating it.  You are not alone in feeling what you feel.  Take your time.  Be honest with yourself.  Build the support around you carefully and thoughtfully.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@DRC

[DRC]

Thank you Stottie Girl, Susan, Sarah and Maid Marionfor your kind and helpfull words.  I truly makes a world of difference when the people you are sharing with can resonate with what you have been or are going through.

[Lori Dee ✅]

@DRC

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