Am I Autistic?

[Asche]

Recently, my therapist told me she thinks I might be on the autistic spectrum.  I have a number of relatives who are clearly autistic -- one child, a brother, a father, and an aunt.  I say "clearly" because my child has been diagnosed autistic, and the others are very similar to her.  Since I'm not like them, I have been pretty sure I'm not autistic.  I don't have any of the social problems that my child has.

But I've been thinking, and I realize that there are a number of things about me that other autistic people report having.

1.  I've always felt like I wasn't really a member of the human race.  As a child, I got called "weird" a lot and couldn't relate to a lot of what the other boys thought, did, liked, etc.  For instance, although I more or less understand what people mean by the word "masculinity," I've never been able to understand why it's so important to a lot of the people of my assigned gender; I just accept that that's the way they are.

2.  It seems like most people unconsciously think and act like whatever group they're in for a while.  It's like they're chameleons, becoming like whatever background they live in, to the point of feeling like this is who they are.  This has always seemed pretty bizarre to me; it's not something I can do or even want to do.

3.  I have a hard time becoming something other than what I am.  I say of my family of origin, "you either take us as we are, or don't take us at all."  I have frequently been called "stubborn" or "rigid."  The fact that a lot of people see the way I am as incomprehensible or unacceptable is simply one of the hazards of being me and not something I can do anything about (however much other people may insist I can.)

4.  My thoughts don't seem to be verbal -- or linear.  No matter what language I'm speaking, I have to translate my thoughts into words, and sometimes I have trouble finding the right word. (Sometimes the word that occurs to me isn't English, but from some other language I know.)  And my ideas often only make sense if you already are familiar with some other ideas I haven't articulated yet.  A large part of the work of writing involves arranging and rearranging the thoughts so there are no reverse dependencies.  It makes it hard for me to participate in discussions, since by the time I've figured out how to say what I'm thinking, everyone has moved far ahead.  It's easier for me to just sit in a corner and think my own non-verbal non-linear thoughts.

Not sure where to go with this, or if there's any point.  At the end of the day, I'm still just who I am, for better or worse.

[Pema]

Asche, I'm not even particularly knowledgeable about the definitions of autism, so my best answer would be "Maybe."

But my first thought is "Does it matter?" And then "If so, why? How does having a name for it change anything?"

I can say that the first three of your experiences apply to me exactly. In fact, I'd add to #3 that I have no desire to change and become like others.

I share some of the qualities of #4, and I think a lot of that is that I feel like languages are constructed to describe a particular (shared) view of the world, and when one's experience deviates from that structure, the palette of words can't be used well to describe it.

I recently learned about Blue–green distinction in language 🔗 [Link: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue%E2​%80​%93​green_​distinction_​in_​language/] and was blown away. One of the many things it illustrates is that cultures establish agreements about what's relevant in the world and then build their language in a way that emphasizes those things. But it doesn't mean those are the only things people experience.

[Stottie Girl]

My therapist also told me she suspected I was somewhere on the autistic spectrum and recommended I get tested but the process and wait times were so offputting I decided not to. I don't think a diagnosis would make any difference to my life and in fact could make people discriminate against me.

I am extremely sensitive to noise, my hearing is off the scale, I can literally hear a pin drop. I get massively overwhelmed if there is a lot of noise or a persistant distracting noise (keyboards clacking in an office, a distant car alarm, people eating, paper rustling etc). My brain shuts down and I can't hold or continue a conversation and start to get a flight or fright reaction. I can't go into busy shops or shops that play loud music and I can't cope with crowds at all. When I'm in a busy pedestrian area I can't shut out the noise of all the footsteps and I often have to escape down a side street or into somewhere quiet!

It's the same visually, I can be driving and spot a buzzard in the sky nearly a mile away or a deer on the horizon in my peripheral vision but too much visual stimulus gets me overwhelmed also.

I'm useless at making friends and usually stay quiet in a room when there are other people talking, I sort of shrink away. I'm not a joiner of clubs or groups for this reason I think. I'm better if I'm hanging on the coat tails of someone else.

Another thing I only recently became aware of was the concept of the minds eye. I didn't realise other people have this for real. I cannot visualise pictures in my mind, I sort of think of descriptions rather than an image. I can't for example conjour up a picture of my dead grandparents even though I loved them dearly but I could describe them. Finding out that people were literally counting sheep in their mind when trying to sleep instead of it just being a figure of speech is wild to me!

All of these issues have been present since I was a child.

I don't know if this means I'm autistic or not. The audio thing might be Misophonia for example. I have learned to adapt to it. For example, if I go shopping in town, I do it as soon as the shops are open and I'm gone within an hour before the hordes arrive.

Whatever I have got, it's part of me and I can't change it so I just find a way around it.

I can't tell you whether you're autistic but your therapist could and should be able to refer you to a specialist for diagnosis if you feel you need that.

[Stottie Girl]

Sorry, that last post was all about me! Looking at your issues, having dificulty with social situations and reading people is a trait of autism but there can be other causes.

Autism is not clearly defined which is why it referred to as being on a spectrum. There are many forms or symptoms. We cannot diagnose you on here but it sounds like both you and your therapist think it is worth investigating so I would say get a referral to a professional.

Hope that helps a little!

[Lori Dee ✅]

I am also one those who experience these things. 1, 2, & 3... check, check, and check. I think I am sort of the opposite on #4. My thoughts are in words, and while in Germany, they often drifted between English and German. I just think my brain was looking for a more precise word to express my meaning. I haven't spoken German in decades, so now everything is in English.

Like Sarah, I don't think in images, but I can "picture" a thought. The difference is that images are not the default. No one has ever told me they suspect autism, but I have been called "weird" many times.

I agree with Pema, I don't think it matters. I don't see any benefit to naming it. As Asche said, I am just being me. If that is weird or autistic or whatever, so be it. It doesn't change anything.

[ChrissyRyan]

I guess if you really want a confirming diagnosis that medical or psychological experts that know about autism can run tests for you.

[ChrissyRyan]

Dr. Melissa (Mel) King's character on the TV show "The Pitt" is not identified as autistic but is said to accurately portray many autistic behaviors. 


See: 

🔗

[KathyLauren]

Autism is like gender: it is a spectrum and non-binary.  The fact that autism exists on a spectrum means that everyone is on it somewhere.  It's not "are you or aren't you?"  It's "how much are you?"  Most people are probably close to the "not very much" end of the spectrum, while some are closer to the "quite a lot" end.  And lots of people are in between.

I know that there are genetic connections to autism.  But I think that growing up transgender can push a person farther along the spectrum.

I have not been officially diagnosed, but my wife says I am on the spectrum, i.e. farther along it than the "not very much" end.  She is probably not wrong.