Was anybody else a shell of a person before transitioning?

[CosmicJoke]

Hi everyone. It was very much true for me that before transitioning I was a shell of a person. I don't think the desire to form relationships with people and live life really came until after that point. I was about 13 years old when I first came out to my parents through a therapist. I had a 3rd cousin who died about two years prior to that. My parents decided to put me in therapy because they were concerned about me not talking and withdrawing from everyone. I was also diagnosed with Asperger's disorder but I don't think it really impedes my functioning much in my adult life.

I just find it interesting that some people say we don't actually need to do this when these are the changes I found in my life as a result of transitioning. I always struggled with this but I don't think I really gained a genuine interest in relationships until after the point of transitioning.

This is just a little backstory on me. I am curious if anyone else had a similar experience? What were the main differences you found in yourself through transitioning?

[ChrissyRyan]

I think I can see the world through "female lenses" as well as "male lenses" but I more connect with the female nature of life, more what would be called female traits or emotions.  That is hard for me to explain.  I am more of a nurturer now, although I could always keep secrets.

I would not say I was in a shell.  I got along with most everyone.

Chrissy

[Stottie Girl]

Hmm, hard to know right now as I haven't transitioned socialy yet but I do have extreme dificulty in meeting new people and making friends or even keeping old ones. I'm not much of a joiner and tend to have solitary interests and hobbies. I have not had a relationship for over 35 years.

What I do know is that in this place I am a totally different person. I'm outgoing, love chatting to people and making friends I feel able to share things I haven't with anyone else. I know it's virtual but it does make me wonder, is this who I will be in the real world if I transition fully. I so hope that will be true as I do get lonely from time to time.

[katiebee]

100%. I just go through the motions for the sake of those around me. After a bit of a personal crisis from some marital issues a couple years ago (no major event, just resentments/grievances I never noticed built up until I got blindsided one day), I realized I had basically zero sense of self outside of my obligations. If you stripped away "being the perfect son/father/husband/employee/mechanic/landscaper/handyman," I was literally nothing. No hobbies, no social life, no dreams/aspirations. Everything was just "be a better [insert role here]". I'd just lived 30 years changing masks and living solely towards the service of others. I always looked at my kind of self-denial as a borderline religious virtue, like I was such a better person because I could just operate with zero regard for my own happiness/wellbeing. But when that was kind of temporarily taken away during that, it forced me to accept that I'm not some kind of special selfless person - it was just a coping mechanism to a less-than-optimal childhood that I never learned to get away from. And accepting that led me to accept a lot of other things. I started doing some things solely because I wanted to, started speaking my mind at work, stopped caring as much about what others think. And ultimately, it got me to finally start HRT to see if it helps my dysphoria.

[KathyLauren]

Well said, @katiebee !  I can totally relate to this.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Unfortunately I was and still am a shell of a person. Having other long term mental health issues makes it hard for me to judge difference.

Aside transitioning has made me so much happier and also stopped me getting really nasty intrusive thoughts so much. But I think it's made me more emotional which has antagonised my existing mental health issues making them worse.

I'm certainly enjoying my transition journey, life not so much.

Charlotte 😻

[darksou]

That's my experience before my transition too. I used to avoid interacting with others when I was younger. At first, that was due to my undiagnosed autism. Although I didn't know I was autistic, the kids could tell I was different and I tried very hard to hide that from everyone else. When puberty started, the gender dysphoria became visible and my depression got worse. I used to present myself as a man online and live as a girl outside these spaces. This behavior continued until my adulthood.

I basically reached a point where I had to either transition or be okay with letting my parents bury my body. The choice I took at that time was obvious. It was only after I socially transitioned that I began to live. Once I started HRT with testosterone, the deep dissociation left and I can exist in my body now. My transitioning process isn't over yet, but I made a lot of progress and I can say I'm no longer just a mask.

[Dawn Kellie]

I wouldn't say I was a shell. I would say lost or incomplete. I knew I wasn't loke the standard person of my assigned gender. Since coming to terms with Kellie and letting her have more control i feel compelled and comfortable

[big kim]

A hand grenade with no pin. Broken, drunk or off my face on speed weed and coke,spoiling for a fight. If I got lucky I might get killed in a fight, OD on booze and drugs or be killed in a car or bike accident. I also had an eating disorder and never ate at weekends, I was 140 pounds.
I had no interests, a rubbish job in a warehouse, dressed like a tramp.Transition saved me, I started  to eat properly,  cut back my intake of alcohol and drugs, started to take care of my appearance and wear nice clothes. I would have been dead, not by suicide as I'm a coward but from my lifestyle.