Hi DarileeThat is a powerful story and it comes through very clearly that it has not been simple or easy.
What stands out first is how long you carried everything quietly. Living with that level of internal noise for decades, while raising a family, working and holding everything together, is not something most people could manage. The fact that you are still here, still moving forward, says a lot about your strength. Thank you for sharing it openly. In doing so, you show you are a strong person.
You describe that moment in your 50s when things finally became quiet enough to hear yourself. That rings true for many people, just at very different points in life. Our journeys are different and there is no fixed timeline. You are never too old to move toward what feels right. That feeling of wanting to be your true self never goes away. It may stay silent for long periods of time, but eventually it comes back, often stronger and clearer.
The fear you describe is very real. You had a marriage, children, a career, a whole life built around you. Moving slowly was not weakness, it was you doing your best under the circumstances. You were balancing your health, your responsibilities and your gender dysphoria. That is not failure, that is survival.
I will say this honestly. I do not know how you managed to carry it for so many years. Changing my life around was simple and I was lucky and even then it was not without its challenges. Looking at your path, I can see a level of endurance that is hard to fully grasp from the outside.
Your description of the shift after your orchiectomy and starting estrogen and then the hesitation around surgery, also makes sense. It is not a straight line. The fact that you made appointments and cancelled them does not mean you were not ready, it means you were working through your issues or fear in real time. Now you are at a point where you are choosing to go ahead and that is your decision, on your timeline.
You also mention your health, your diabetes, the weight loss and how that changed how you see yourself physically. That matters. Your health and your identity are both part of this and it sounds like things have aligned in a way that lets you feel more like yourself.
On the point about being special, I would say this. Everybody is special in their own way. Your story is unique, your path is yours and what you have lived through gives it meaning.
It also sounds like something important has shifted socially for you. You mention being more open, wearing what feels right and that people respond positively. That often comes when someone is more at ease in themselves.
If you are open to it, there are a few things I would genuinely be interested to hear from you:
- Earlier in your life, before your 50s, were there times when you felt ready to move forward but chose not to?
- How did your wife respond over time, not just at the moment you told her but afterwards?
- What changed internally between cancelling those earlier consultations and deciding not to cancel this one?
- Do you feel the fear is gone, or is it something you are now willing to move through?
- What does a complete outcome look like for you now, if anything?
You have taken a long road to get here. It sounds like you are now choosing your path for yourself and that is something worth respecting. Once again thank you for telling your story it was very much appreciated.
Take care and all the best for the future.
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@darilee
