Krista’s Celebrations and Doubts

[Stottie Girl]

Teal leggings? Ooo la la! Alas, you are right about temperatures. In Redding we get about 60 days a year over 100°F (I believe that is 40°C for our fiends who use the reasonable system of measurement). I'll go to the mountains and drop 15-30 degrees , but the sun is intense.

Although fall and spring are basically single weekends, colored leggings would be super cute and fun when possible a d I would not have thought of that. Thank you, Sarah.

Mine are Dark teal but there are bright coulours too.


Not me obviously but you get the idea!

[KristaFairchild]

I spent the day dressing up and taking photographs of myself. It was a really wonderful day. I felt free and joyous and relaxed. I didn't feel like posing as much as I felt like I was letting myself out. 

In the past, I would see photographs of myself in general not like them. It's changing now. I'm not sure why, but I'm starting to be more relaxed with the way that I look. 

I look at these photos and I think that that's who I am and when I walk out the door every day that's who I wish to be. 

I know in my head and my heart what is going on because I know the pattern from the past. Countless times I've had to stretch to change a nail polish color or lipstick color. I wanted it and was terrified and finally did it and then it became part of my regular routine.

My last step, besides whatever HRT brings me, is wearing a wig and breast forms. Just like before, it feels like something I cannot do. 

But unlike before, it feels even more desperately what I want to do. I just need the bravery to give myself permission. Unlike nail polish and lip color, there is no gradual approach to wearing a wig or breast forms. It kind of happens all at once. 

There's always a prison that I've partially built myself. I look at the photos that I took today and see someone that I am in need to be. Yet tomorrow, I will go to work without the beautiful wig that feels like my natural hair. My breast forms will stay in a box in my closet, and I will go with my flat chest. 

Sometimes during the day I'll daydream about showing up at work and in public as my true self. I wonder what the consequences would be for my marriage. 

Sometimes I'll look at these photos and ache. Need. Crave. I will recall moments like I'm having right now when it feels like my mind is going to explode if I don't express myself this way every single day.

And maybe one day I will. Right now it feels like that could be tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm interviewing potential new staff and I want to do it dressed fully as Krista. I have all kinds of reasons why I should not do that and only one reason why I should.  

But I probably won't. Maybe someday I will be brave enough to simply give myself permission to be who I need to be. 

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Your photos are very beautiful Krista. I really hope you can find a way / courage to be like this full time as I can see this is naturally you. Get that its not always so easy when you have to consider so many other things. I've always taken a brute force approach of people will accept me or not and just do what I wanted. But that depends on what you have to lose and what you can accept to lose.

Sending lots of love and hugs!

[Stottie Girl]

I like the image of you praying to the fairy goddess Krista!

There are barely any pictures of me in male mode anywhere in existance but Sarah is selfie mad ha ha! It does get a hold of you.

That said I find it incredibly useful to have as a photographic record to help you find your style, figure out what works and what doesn't, test make up looks or just to have a laugh at your early pics when you realise how far you've come.

Snap away Krista!

[Anne_lifetrip]

I love your post @KristaFairchild ☺️ and you look lovely in the pictures.

I spent the day dressing up and taking photographs of myself. It was a really wonderful day. I felt free and joyous and relaxed. I didn't feel like posing as much as I felt like I was letting myself out.

These are the days that are really worth. You look really happy in the pictures.

Sometimes during the day I'll daydream about showing up at work and in public as my true self.

I am currently home based and tried it once. Depending on the clothing and the proximity to the camera, the breasts are not evident and people don't realise. Now...I discovered that zoom and other videoconference software highlight the colors...and so there I was in the middle of a meeting with the lipstick that I had chosen (a mild red one) showing out more that I had anticipated and the make up (eye shadows...) being noticeable. But, no one said anything and I kept to my business. It was an experience and most probably I noticed it because I was nervous and self aware, but overall, it was good and not the last time.
BTW, I discovered that in zoom you can configure eye shadow, lipstick, eyebrows, beard, moustache as an overlay (in case you are not wearing it already).

I wonder what the consequences would be for my marriage.

Three months into my relation, I told my current wife that I was trans. She looked at me and reacted like my parents. She ignored me. She is a social worker who works for and with vulnerable communities, but she has an opinion that transwomen are just men trying to call on attention.
Your concerns for the marriage are shared. I love my wife, that has never changed, but I have my doubts that she will support me. So, I take what I have and I give love and enjoy making everybody as happy as I can, while getting time for me and have moments like yours to enjoy.

Sometimes I'll look at these photos and ache.

After dressing up as Anne for some time something changed. In the morning when I look at myself in the mirror I don't know who that man is, but after, when I am back, when I see Anne, I recognize and like the person who is looking back. Don't know how it happened, but I loved it and I love to see my pictures of me.

Maybe someday I will be brave enough to simply give myself permission to be who I need to be.

You are very brave just the way you are and this is a long trip. The day will come, one day, suddenly, it will happen. In the meantime, enjoy these wonderful moments.

Keep having these moments, you look very happy. 😊

[KristaFairchild]

Your photos are very beautiful Krista. I really hope you can find a way / courage to be like this full time as I can see this is naturally you. Get that its not always so easy when you have to consider so many other things. I've always taken a brute force approach of people will accept me or not and just do what I wanted. But that depends on what you have to lose and what you can accept to lose.

Sending lots of love and hugs!

Thank you, Charlotte. Your words are helpful! 

[KristaFairchild]

I like the image of you praying to the fairy goddess Krista!

There are barely any pictures of me in male mode anywhere in existance but Sarah is selfie mad ha ha! It does get a hold of you.

That said I find it incredibly useful to have as a photographic record to help you find your style, figure out what works and what doesn't, test make up looks or just to have a laugh at your early pics when you realise how far you've come.

Snap away Krista!

Selfie mad to be sure! I've pushed for more photos in the past two years than in the previous 60. 

[KristaFairchild]

The day will come, one day, suddenly, it will happen. In the meantime, enjoy these wonderful moments.

Keep having these moments, you look very happy. 😊

Hello and thank you, Anne, for the lovely contemplative post. I enjoyed reading it and unpacking meaning from it. 
I had the same experience with Zoom and it was shocking! My light application of a lipstick barely darker than my lips was suddenly noticeably red. I started to sweat and don't think I heard a word, but I kept my camera on. Now I'm excited to be on Zoom. It's interesting that I have almost no boundaries until I get to the idea of wearing a wig and breast forms. 
I'm confused about how you dress. It sounds like you dress as Anne every day when you leave the house? Or is it the opposite; you dress only at home? I dress as Krista always, with the exceptions I just described. As for the mirror, more and more I see a woman without makeup on in the morning and a woman with makeup on 30 minutes later. I crossed the skirt boundary a month ago and wear them often now. I've also not worn the heavy makeup that I have on in some of these photos. It's fun but not a daily look. 
I used to present more mildly at home and dressier and more feminine at work. I've ended that. It sounds like your wife sees you as Anne regularly, yet you're unsure if she supports you? I am reminded often by my therapist, myself, and even my wife that "she is still there." She supports people being themselves and mage's nice comments about my outfits, but is unsure if she can adapt to her husband becoming her wife. She's trying. 

You said, "The day will come, one day, suddenly, it will happen." I am confident that it will happen exactly that way. One day, I will wake up in the morning and feel sick and tired of hiding. I'll feel a little angry at myself that I can exist. It's a woman in so many ways and yet hold back when it comes to using artificial hair that makes me feel amazing. I'll finally convince myself that using breast forms isn't creating a fake me; it's allowing the real me to exist publicly. 

On that day, I will look a lot like the photo of me sitting in the chair with a book. I'll walk out into the world and just like every other time I've pushed past the boundary, nothing significant will happen that day. I have a sneaking suspicion that it will actually be easier than the way I present now. People look at me now and their brains get confused about my gender. 

While I don't "pass" in these photos, I am leaving, no doubt as to the gender I am presenting as. I even know this from experience from a recent trip to a hotel near Disneyland. I got dressed up and went to Downtown Disney. Well, I cannot know what was inside people's heads, I know that I was referred to as a woman all evening long. That's what I need. 

In one day, I'll throw caution to the wind and never look back. 

[Anne_lifetrip]

Answering your comment

I'm confused about how you dress. It sounds like you dress as Anne every day when you leave the house? Or is it the opposite; you dress only at home?

I present myself in my daily and professional life as male.

As I work from home, the moment I am alone, I dress as Anne. Not only then, but whenever I am out of my home I dress as Anne. I take work related trips or trips for diving and the moment I leave home, I have a place, where I stop the car, change clothes, get myself all set up and "voila", Anne comes back.

My hair is long, so everybody knows me for that. At first many people were commenting on it and making remarks, but they eventually finished and now its just...me. As for the make up (I need to work on it), but I like to apply simple things such as lipstick or mild eyeshadows or powder on the face to play with contours. For most meetings, unless you have a sharp eye you would just see a colleague who takes care of his face.

My wife doesn't know or doesn't want to know...I do not know. I do not want to be open with her about it for various reasons; the first is that I already told her and she completely ignored me, the second is that she has been making comments concerning the Trans community that unsettles me, and although I reply to her comments, she is very adamant and last, but not least, I have two kids and I love seeing them every day. Once they grow, I will have the conversation with my wife. For the moment, I love her, I love them, and I give everything for their happiness.

She supports people being themselves and mage's nice comments about my outfits, but is unsure if she can adapt to her husband becoming her wife. She's trying.

If you are there, I envy you. You are so brave.

It's a woman in so many ways and yet hold back when it comes to using artificial hair that makes me feel amazing. I'll finally convince myself that using breast forms isn't creating a fake me; it's allowing the real me to exist publicly.

I love it how you express it. If something feels amazing, then it is something good for you. Using breast forms makes a complete you. I have to walk the dogs early in the morning, very early, when it is still dark, so I put my bra, breasts (I use a C-D cup), walking dog clothes (pants, t shirt or tank top and sweatshirt whenever the case) and go out around my neighborhood. I know I have been seen by colleagues and neighbors, but it is very early, it is dark and the clothes can't make you clearly identify. Whatever the case, I keep pushing the limits to spend more and more time dressing as I feel good, as I feel comfortable and the way it

makes me feel amazing

😉

I got dressed up and went to Downtown Disney. Well, I cannot know what was inside people's heads, I know that I was referred to as a woman all evening long. That's what I need.

That is awesome, keep up those moments. 🥰

[Finally Anna]

Maybe someday I will be brave enough to simply give myself permission to be who I need to be. 

I am certain that you will and you will do it the same way you handle all the other "roller-coasters". When the time comes you will know and you will just be you!
💕

[Lori Dee ✅]

I agree with all of the comments above: You look great!

Don't rule out the breast forms so quickly. Before I started developing, I wore them. But I did not show them off. Tops were very loose-fitting, so though I was wearing them, they were not obvious. That made me feel better.

As my confidence grew, I would opt for less baggy, more form-fitting pieces, but not tight. If anyone noticed, no one said anything. By the time I came out, it was not a thing. No one mentioned it, as it just seemed to fit with how I was dressed.

The wigs are different, as there is no way to hide them under a baggy hat. 🤣

Do you have a coworker or someone that you can talk to? I would tell them that you are thinking about doing something different with your hair; something longer, different colors, and styles, and you would like their input. Then, if you are wearing a wig, ask what they think of it. If you have a different one, try that and ask again. Eventually, it becomes commonplace for you to be wearing a wig. And if you wear the same one again and again, it's because you like it and you have received compliments on it.

I have several wigs of various styles and colors, and I would occasionally change to a different one. I always got compliments like "That color suits you" or "That looks like it is fun to wear". No cringe, no wrinkled noses, and no one vomited.

As my ex used to say, "It's just hair!"  I agree. There are bigger things to worry about than someone's hair.

[Stottie Girl]

@KristaFairchild I would second what Lori says about breastforms. They can look and feel very realistic. OK you won't have cleavage but other than that they might suit you. Remember that there are an awful lot of CIS women who have had a mastectomy and they are happy to use them. I had a pair of silicone breast forms when I was younger and I loved the look it gave me. I didn't imagine I would have the real thing years later!

Wigs are a bit of a funny one for me. I love the look of them but I don't like wearing them as I find them uncomfortable. I have synthetic wigs for convenience but they just don't feel the same as my own hair so the sooner I can grow it out the better. I will need a small hairline transplant though as I have the standard male m type hairline and it's a bit of a giveaway.

My hair is probably long enough for an asymetric pixie cut now to be honest. I'm not so keen on that look though so I think I will wear a wig until I'm at bob length. I might practice styling the pixie though as I need to learn so much regarding hair care and styling I know virtually nothing about it!

[Finally Anna]

She supports people being themselves and mage's nice comments about my outfits, but is unsure if she can adapt to her husband becoming her wife. She's trying.

My wife doesn't know or doesn't want to know...I do not know.

I wrote a lot of text here but the deleted it all because it was just preaching to the choir from someone, me, who is more or less a noob.
In the end I think we must be honest with ourselves lest we fall into a kind of denial (with the <unmentionable> side-effects that can come from that, and I am not a noob in that department). This does not mean we need to rush things just to get the euphoria, only that we don't deny ourselves what we need to be able to live a life where we are happy with ourselves.
💕

[Courtney G]

I'll throw my $0.02 into the ring on the subject of wigs and breast forms:

Those accessories aren't creating a fake you at all. You know this deep down, of course, but I'll expand...

Brushed hair versus unbrushed. Styled vs not styled
Loose clothes vs baggy ones
Colorful clothing vs all black

These are all choices people make in order to affirm their sense of self. "I prefer wearing all black - that's all I have in my closet" or "I really enjoy keeping my hair buzzed" are exactly the same as the things we do in order to feel that the person in the mirror is more in line with our wishes. It's a blessing that we're able to realize this. I'm sure some of the people you work with dream about wearing a white suit or maybe even breast forms. The only difference between us and them is that we're pursuing our truth.

[KristaFairchild]

I am certain that you will and you will do it the same way you handle all the other "roller-coasters". When the time comes you will know and you will just be you!
💕

Thank you!