Krista’s Celebrations and Doubts

[Petunia]

Krista, It's hard to unlearn a liftime of imprinted prejudices that came from our generation

I tend to look at my best friends who are a lesbian couple. One tends to take on the "traditional masculine" jobs with relish. See's physical work as a challenge and accomplishment.

She's the fierce girl type who will tackle any job providing she is safe.

If it's good enough for her it's good enough for me. Do things you want to do or things you are good at.

Most tasks have no gender

[KristaFairchild]

Today was a big day for me, though as so often happens, I made it bigger than it had to be.

I was fully out as Krista today. Knee length black skirt, purple velvet v-neck peplum top, black pumps, full makeup with bold lipstick, gold jewelry.

I was out at work. Passed many people in the hallway. Had meetings. No one blocked. Many offered compliments.

And I scheduled a doctors appointment about HRT.

🎉🎉🎉

[Lori Dee ✅]

That is all great news, Krista!

Congrats on a great day. I suspect there will be many more in your future.

[Stottie Girl]

Today was a big day for me, though as so often happens, I made it bigger than it had to be.

I was fully out as Krista today. Knee length black skirt, purple velvet v-neck peplum top, black pumps, full makeup with bold lipstick, gold jewelry.

I was out at work. Passed many people in the hallway. Had meetings. No one blocked. Many offered compliments.

And I scheduled a doctors appointment about HRT.

🎉🎉🎉

Wow, a big day indeed. You are so brave. I'm so glad work went ok for you too. Onwards and upwards!

[ChrissyRyan]

Today was a big day for me, though as so often happens, I made it bigger than it had to be.

I was fully out as Krista today. Knee length black skirt, purple velvet v-neck peplum top, black pumps, full makeup with bold lipstick, gold jewelry.

I was out at work. Passed many people in the hallway. Had meetings. No one blocked. Many offered compliments.

And I scheduled a doctors appointment about HRT.

🎉🎉🎉

You had a great day out!


Chrissy

[KristaFairchild]

This journey keeps getting easier and more joyous. I realized that I was trying to pass, though I denied it. Now it's helping me to frame it as wanting to be seen as trans, and to do what many women do, enhance my looks as I choose to. 

Today I went to pick up somone sparkly eyeshadow I had ordered from Target. The pickup person was busy and called over an associate, saying, "They need help with an order." I appreciated the "they" that was said casually.  I would have preferred "she"  but too many times I hear "he" unless I'm 100% en femme. 

The associate was trans. The universe keeps opening my eyes, and doors with people welcoming me. She brought me my order and said it would like nice on me. 

Sometimes assumptions are nice. 

I asked about Pride at Target. Two years ago it was a huge display at the front of the store, in a Trumpland city. Last year it moved to the back. She told me Target had remove protection for trans employees (though in California we have strong laws, somewhat muddied by federal policies). She said the Pride display would not be at the front. Maybe not anywhere. 

Yet there is hope when we make connections. I won't be silenced or have my hands tied. 

[KristaFairchild]

I saw this today. 

Longing —> hesitation —> first experience—> relief —> integration 

Yes

Some things have taken years and some things are taking days, but this is the process. Recently, it's been breast forms. 

I long for that aligned shape and their warm feeling on my chest. For the way my silhouette morphs into rightness in a dress, a dress I still won't wear outside often except for special events. But want breast forms daily, not just for special nights. Even just under a sweater or blouse. 

First experience in public or at work is next. It's like I'm longing for it and resisting at the same time. 

But this is how it goes with EVERYTHING. Longing —> hesitation —> first experience—> relief —> integration 

Example: shoes. Especially heels. 

Longing...imagining...admiring...online shopping...wish listing

Not buying. Debating. They sit in a wish list that I view often. Can I?! Can I give myself permission? I should! I shouldn't. It's me! I'm not ready. My environment isn't ready. What will make this change?

I finally wear them to work. It's scary and blissful. My daily dress slacks never looked so feminine. I'm seen by dozens of people. After work I'm ecstatic that I did it! Nothing bad happened and lots of good happened!

Then I start wearing them to work often and relax into who I am. Soon I have two pairs of pumps and two of sandals. Integration!




I can't resist the breast forms much longer. Why do I resist the inevitable?

[Lori Dee ✅]

Humans are homeostatic by nature. We resist change. We get settled into our comfort zone and don't want to leave. It may be a wonderful thing we strive for, but in the back of our minds is that little voice warning us that it might be too dangerous.

Then we step forward anyway. It turns out to be okay. We tell the little voice, "See? It was good!" And the little voice says, "Yes, this time..." and we start questioning again.

I went from never going outside dressed to spending hours on makeup before going out anywhere. Eventually, I just learned to relax. If someone has a problem with how I look, that is their problem, not mine. But safety first.

[KristaFairchild]

Why is ted lipstick a sticking point for me? I've been wearing many shades of Clinique for months. Currently Love Pop on most days. It's not subtle. 

But red scares me. 

However, I'm taking it on! I not only love it, I think it's a good color on me. I created a brutally honest AI mode (whew!) and it agrees. That helps; I need something objective even if it's a computer program. 

So far:
1. Red in queer spaces often. Out and bold!
2. Red at work once and no one blinked. 
3. Today at an out of town conference and on the road, red dabbed over Love Pop - I loved it. 
4. Committing to what I love as I move forward, dammit! 

I know. I post drivel. But it's helpful to me.