Feeling lost

[Valerie.Val]

I am sorry for being a wreck right now.


I've found a therapist who is willing to see me - if only for an introduction - in September.

In my country, there are rules that you have to be living as your new identity for x months, confirmed by a therapist, to be eligible for HRT and so on. I asked her if the intro counts as starting point for that countdown. She replied that she won't be doing any predictions, and that diagnosis is necessary first - so we can know IF a trans identity is indicated at all.

I mean I know it's basically a formality, but I feel so invalidated by this remark, that Val has retreated to her mind prison and I'm all dude again, feeling empty and gloomy, sparks gone from my eyes. Just like old times.

[Sephirah]

I am sorry for being a wreck right now.


I've found a therapist who is willing to see me - if only for an introduction - in September.

In my country, there are rules that you have to be living as your new identity for x months, confirmed by a therapist, to be eligible for HRT and so on. I asked her if the intro counts as starting point for that countdown. She replied that she won't be doing any predictions, and that diagnosis is necessary first - so we can know IF a trans identity is indicated at all.

I mean I know it's basically a formality, but I feel so invalidated by this remark, that Val has retreated to her mind prison and I'm all dude again, feeling empty and gloomy, sparks gone from my eyes. Just like old times.

*big hugs*

First of all, please don't apologise, sweetie. It's okay to be dealing with stuff. That's what this site is for. It's better that you talk about things here that are on your mind than keeping them locked inside where they can fester, you know?

What I would say, is that... honey, someone has to get to know you in order to determine the best way forwards for you. And that I highly doubt it is meant to be invalidating. It's likely the therapist not wanting to say anything for certain before you've had a chance to sit down and talk about things. I mean they can't really say anything before they've had a chance to meet you and get to know you. And yeah, I mean you can't diagnose or understand someone before you even met them, or even having an introduction.

Look at it as an opportunity, rather than a setback, okay? A chance for you to meet and form a relationship that might be something very good for you. Therapists and psychologists have to be very careful. Misdiagnosis can lead to sometimes difficult outcomes later down the road, sweetie. So there's a caution which is necessary but has nothing to do with who you are, okay? They can't know that until after they've met you.

Honestly, see it as a first step, okay? A chance for you to take things further.

*extra hugs*

[Valerie.Val]

@Sephirah *big big hugs back*

Thank you so so, soo much, dear. I know you're right. I mean intellectually I understand. I think it was all too much. So much has happened in one week. I'm a total mess.

I can't thank you enough for being so incredibly kind to me. This goes for everyone here.

[Sephirah]

@Sephirah *big big hugs back*

Thank you so so, soo much, dear. I know you're right. I mean intellectually I understand. I think it was all too much. So much has happened in one week. I'm a total mess.

I can't thank you enough for being so incredibly kind to me. This goes for everyone here.

That's completely understandable. Sometimes things are a lot to deal with. And it can feel like any little bump in the road is a massive cliff you can't scale. That's why it helps to talk about things, sweetie. So you aren't just dealing with it in your own head.

I am excited for you, honey. Look at it as a first step to get to where you want to be. Be honest and open when you can talk to this person, and show them what you've shown us. It will be okay.

You can do this. <3

[tgirlamg]

Valerie!

+1 to the words Sephirah offered you... I remember well being where you are right now... I feared any little hiccup in how I envisioned the process going was going to grow into an insurmountable Mt. Everest of a mountain and prevent me from getting to where I knew I needed to be... Our fears can make everything big... once we catch a glimpse in our mind of the world outside the walls of our lifelong prison cell... getting to the beauty and liberation of it can consume our every thought... 🌻

The process is there to help you with some huge changes... Let it work its magic for you... patience will be your friend... As you move forward, the intimidating slopes of Mt Everest will soon prove to be only stepping stones to all the amazing things that await you... Take it from me and all the other mountain climbers around here... We are at your side and all shall be well!🌻

Enjoy The Climb!

Ashley 💕

[Valerie.Val]

Dear @Sephirah thank you 💜 you're right. And it's so lovely to be called sweetie and honey, I can't even. 🥹

@tgirlamg you're so sweet. Now mount everest looks a little less intimidating Thank u Ashley 💜

[Sephirah]

Dear @Sephirah thank you 💜 you're right. And it's so lovely to be called sweetie and honey, I can't even. 🥹

@tgirlamg you're so sweet. Now mount everest looks a little less intimidating Thank u Ashley 💜

Ash is an incredibly wise lady. And she is proof of where you can be when you keep being true to yourself.

You've got this, honey. And when things feel bad, you have a whole family here ready to support you, okay? No matter what's going on.

[Valerie.Val]

I don't even know who I am anymore. Neither dude nor Val. It's been too much everything. Was it all a dream? 😢

[Lori Dee ✅]

I don't even know who I am anymore. Neither dude nor Val. It's been too much everything. Was it all a dream? 😢

I have had that dream many times. I realized that I was thinking in extremes: either/or. But that isn't reality. We do not exist as either one thing or the other, but a combination of all.

Sometimes that moves us toward one end or the other within the spectrum. But the key is to find yourself without comparing to others. Once you find that, then it is okay to step back and look at where you are. It is never necessary to be within the acceptable guidelines set by others.

Find yourself first. Find what makes you happy, comfortable, and at peace with yourself. Then, without looking at where others are, decide if you still need to change something. Don't judge yourself by what you see in others.

Water seeks its own level.

[Valerie.Val]

Dear Lori, many thanks for your wisdom. I guess that shocker last week and all the coming-out to friends and family, the looking for therapy, totally drained me and a huge part of me yearns for that simple life I had before. Then again, I felt truly alive as Val and I cling to that for the time being, and will take it more slowly from now on. My cortisol levels are probably overflowing. I barely sleep.

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

While you have been dreaming about it for years, the reality of transitioning can be jarring. Finally becoming the answer to your dreams is an experience you cannot prepare for. The 'highs', and the 'lows', will probably greatly exceed your expectations. Eventually, your life will settle down again. In my experience, the turbulence was well worth it.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[tammy753]

Valerie you are my hero! I am still afraid to tell my family and friends.

[Stottie Girl]

Valerie you are my hero! I am still afraid to tell my family and friends.

Likewise. I know I need to do it but having the courage to do it is another thing altogether.

[Lori Dee ✅]

The way I approached it was that I explained that I was in therapy to address some issues I have been having. During intense psychotherapy with a team of psychologists, they determined that I am transgender. The treatment for the issues, Gender Dysphoria, is hormone therapy. This was sent to my medical team, who agreed with the assessment and prescribed the medications.

This removes the concept that I "chose" this, that it is a fad, a fantasy, or any other "excuse". It is a medical treatment. I don't question their medical treatment for diabetes, so why question my medical treatment for any other condition?

The questions that followed were along the lines of this had something to do with how I was raised. Parents feel guilt when such possibilities arise. I assured them that it has nothing to do with the environment and is a genetic condition that science does not yet fully understand.

Therefore, the appropriate treatment, hormone therapy, is recognized and approved by over 25 of the top medical professional organizations worldwide.

Since my stepbrother is an MD and a former president of the Colorado Medical Society, they had to confer with him. He cannot dispute any of my claims, so my parents have accepted that this is what is happening. It took years for my dad to address me by my new legal name, but he only slips once in a while now, and I ignore it.

Hopefully, this will help you all have that discussion with your family and friends. Remember that it is nobody's fault. No one is to blame. It is a recognized medical condition, no different from diabetes or PCOS.

[tammy753]

I meant to Congratulate you but was just in awe of you taking that step.

So Congratulations Valerie!

[Valerie.Val]

Finally becoming the answer to your dreams is an experience you cannot prepare for.

Dear Jessica the Wise, thank you for giving me hope! <3

@tammy753 @Stottie Girl ...wow. That was... thank you. Never saw it that way. *hugs* Thank you so much, dears! <3

Also @Lori Dee is right, I took a similar angle. My wife and friends saw me suffering over the years, and having a solution for it made them happy for me - even if they do not, or do not fully understand it.

[KristaFairchild]

The way I approached it was that I explained that I was in therapy to address some issues I have been having. During intense psychotherapy with a team of psychologists, they determined that I am transgender. The treatment for the issues, Gender Dysphoria, is hormone therapy. This was sent to my medical team, who agreed with the assessment and prescribed the medications.

This removes the concept that I "chose" this, that it is a fad, a fantasy, or any other "excuse". It is a medical treatment. I don't question their medical treatment for diabetes, so why question my medical treatment for any other condition?

I didn't have the medical option when I started coming out. But I had timelines of my years of gender questioning. I had many documents from inner child work that I had created from a workbook. I had 15 years of 12 Step work. I had more documents from working through the excellent workbook You and your Gender Identity. I had also been ramping up my presentation from 100% male to getting my ears pierced and the clear nail polish and then using foundation, etc. 

Not only did those books help justify my gender (not that we need to justify it), they helped me analyze and feel my experiences. 

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Valerie

I am really sorry you are going through this.  That feeling of being questioned or put on hold can hit really hard especially when you have finally reached out for help.  From what you described it sounds like gate keeping or at least an overly cautious approach that leaves you possibly carrying stress and anxiety.  When distress is left unaddressed it can intensify over time and being left in limbo can take a real toll in the long run. Having to wait until September for even an introductory appointment can make everything feel more prolonged and uncertain.

It also sounds like a frustrating catch 22.  When someone is told they must "live as" themselves for a set time before HRT, it can be really hard if they do not feel able to do that safely or comfortably without support and it can end up feeling like you are expected to prove something before you can get help.  It does not matter how you go about your daily life, you are still you.  One point of interest, I was still the same person, before and after I changed my life around.  Medical steps do not define your identity, they are just tools that some people use if and when they are ready.

Can I ask, does this therapist have specific experience working with gender dysphoria and with the local process for accessing HRT?  It can really help if the therapist has specific experience working with gender dysphoria and understands the local pathway.  If you feel comfortable sharing your country, people here might be able to suggest what the usual pathway looks like.  If you would rather not post it publicly you are welcome to PM me and we can talk about it privately.

Also have you looked into whether an informed consent style pathway is available where you live?  In some places you can start HRT through a doctor who focuses on consent and medical suitability rather than requiring months of "proof", although it depends a lot on local rules, providers and of course the country you are in.

I hope this gives you some comfort and a few things to think about.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Valerie.Val

[Valerie.Val]

Dear @KristaFairchild and @Sarah B much love for your help. I've never been in such a supportive environment before. I hope I'll be able to give something back. <3