Not Feminine enough?

[tammy753]

I don't think I am super feminine these days. I seek out comfortable clothes. I know when I was younger I wanted to wear the heels and dresses and now I am looking for a stylish but comfortable look. I don't know if this is a question or not but I think its feeding into my "I'm not trans enough" thoughts. Am alone in these thoughts? Is it just an age thing, I am over 50? Is it the hormones, was I over compensating to feel normal? Some insight would be helpful. I think this is probably A topic I will bring up with my therapist but I would love some perspective from others.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I avoid pretty much all clothes that are not hyper feminine as dont really feel like a woman without them. Got loads of stuff like t shirts that i like but just dont wear becase they don't emphasise femininity for me. I don't think these thoughts are uncommon, but maybe you're right and your therapist can help if its causing you distress. Hope you get through it soon x

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think we all have had these thoughts from time to time.

Let's reframe the question:

Not Feminine enough? For what?

What measurement of femininity are you using? If you are comparing yourself to how others look, who specifically? There are women who look more manly than some men, and some men who look more feminine than women. Humans come in all shapes and sizes.

If you drill down to what is actually triggering these thoughts, you may find the area that you want to improve. Bigger bust? Voice training? Mannerisms? Makeup skills? Clothing? Walking style?

Each of these can be things that can be addressed, but remember, they are only appearances. There is no standard for what a Real Woman™ looks like. Make a list and take it with you to your therapist. If it is something that really bothers you, make a plan to work on that.

In physical appearance, I don't think I am all that feminine. Hair, makeup, jewelry, and clothing help. But I am also at peace with who I am because I refuse to be held to other people's standards.

Be patient with yourself. Work on what needs work, and learn to accept that no one is perfect.

[Stottie Girl]

Tammy, we all start out wearing the ultra feminine clothes, it's exciting to get those looks you dreamed of when you were male but you have to remember that presenting as super feminine in heels, dresses and full make up takes a huge effort. That's why most CIS women don't do it 24/7. They spend most of their life in normal everyday clothes that are comfortable.

It doesn't mean you have to slouch about in leggings all day (though they absolutely have their place). Look around at what most women your age are wearing at the shops or in cafes etc. See if you find a look you like and try to replicate it. Leave the ultra feminine dressing for the night on the tiles with the girls or a hot date or some other special occasion. It feels more special that way too.

The hormones provide relief from the disphoria. It becomes such that you no longer need to dress ultra glam to feel feminine all the time because you simply are feminine all the time. I spend most of my time in more casual but feminine clothes. I wear leggings or skinny jeans, If it's hot I'll wear a boho hippy skirt which is feminine but very comfortable or I might pull on a pair of wide leg white linen trousers. And I just pair this with a scoop neck top or a tshirt or a tank/cami top. It's all relaxed. I can wear my comfy sketchers with any one of those outfits or I can pop on a pair of wedge sandals. It's not the high maintenance of glitzy dresses with tights, heels and full make up and clutch bags and all that.

I'm 50 too for comparison.

[CosmicJoke]

I don't think I am super feminine these days. I seek out comfortable clothes. I know when I was younger I wanted to wear the heels and dresses and now I am looking for a stylish but comfortable look. I don't know if this is a question or not but I think its feeding into my "I'm not trans enough" thoughts. Am alone in these thoughts? Is it just an age thing, I am over 50? Is it the hormones, was I over compensating to feel normal? Some insight would be helpful. I think this is probably A topic I will bring up with my therapist but I would love some perspective from others.

I think it really depends on the situation. I really only go out in "full on femme" if i'm going to a wedding for example. For something like that I would do my hair, makeup, and even wear a dress. I would even wear feminine looking shoes.

Most of the time I have my hair combed back into a ponytail and i'm wearing sneakers or jeans.

It really depends on the situation. There's varying degrees of femininity. When I first started my transition I saw it as very black or white. I came to find that being flexible with my femininity is key.

[big kim]

I was too feminine as a boy now not feminine enough! I'm feminine enough for me though.I dress for comfort at 68, no dresses, skirts heels make up or hair dye. Usually jeans or smart black pants, boot cut makes my feet look smaller.T shirts or tops, often in jewel colours. I often go birdwatching so its hiking pants, walking boots etc.
I often wear my hair( silver white with blonde and salt and pepper) bra strap length in 2 rope braids or a French Twist. Always wear silver earrings and Crucifix. Haven't had my usual French manicure as I'm helping a friend with her Honda motorcycle and model making a P51 Mustang.
I don't think I pass at nearly 6'2" and 260 pounds but I seem to be accepted and hide in plain sight

[Maid Marion]

Today I wore a lavender hiking shirt, a dark green skort hemmed 2 inches above the knee, and black ankle booties with 2 inch heels to the rose club meeting. Mid back length hair in a ponytail.  No nail polish or makeup but my nails are a little long.

I gave away five roses in pots today.  Three were in bloom.

Marion

[tammy753]

Thanks for all the replies. I will need to discuss with issue with my therapist. I think I expect to feel like I did in my 20's when I wanted to were heels and dresses all the time. This was before I started HRT. I suppressed my feminine side for years after I felt I was being reckless. I think I miss that feeling of just wanting to be pretty all the time.

Thanks for letting me ask my some what depressing questions. I am working on being less negative.

[KristaFairchild]

I don't think I am super feminine these days. I seek out comfortable clothes. I know when I was younger I wanted to wear the heels and dresses and now I am looking for a stylish but comfortable look. I don't know if this is a question or not but I think its feeding into my "I'm not trans enough" thoughts. Am alone in these thoughts? Is it just an age thing, I am over 50? Is it the hormones, was I over compensating to feel normal? Some insight would be helpful. I think this is probably A topic I will bring up with my therapist but I would love some perspective from others.

I'm 64. My concern is almost the opposite. I love my remind clothes so much I avoid all others. There is something to be said about feeling feminine in any clothes. Because we are. 

[KristaFairchild]

Thanks for letting me ask my some what depressing questions. I am working on being less negative.

I appreciate that in here we can just feel what feel and express it. I valued your post! 

[Sinclair]

I don't think I am super feminine these days. I seek out comfortable clothes. I know when I was younger I wanted to wear the heels and dresses and now I am looking for a stylish but comfortable look. I don't know if this is a question or not but I think its feeding into my "I'm not trans enough" thoughts. Am alone in these thoughts? Is it just an age thing, I am over 50? Is it the hormones, was I over compensating to feel normal? Some insight would be helpful. I think this is probably A topic I will bring up with my therapist but I would love some perspective from others.

It's never too late to be your self. Don't label how u feel .. just do it .. if it makes u smile that's all u need to know. Best wishes!

[Alana Ashleigh]

I definitely struggled with this feeling at the beginning of my journey. I'm a few wakeups away from being on hrt for 13 months, and only recently started dressing slightly androgynously.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I definitely struggled with this feeling at the beginning of my journey. I'm a few wakeups away from being on hrt for 13 months, and only recently started dressing slightly androgynously.

We are near enough the same time on HRT really as I think I'm about 14 months - cant remember exactly. I've been pushing femininity since the beginning in terms of clothing. Well was in boymode to so no change!

[Petunia]

Hey again Cbarlotte.

I can't help but see girl, girl, girl when I see you.

I get the feeling you are comparing yourself to children who know what they are.

You aren't 20. You can play like you are.  From your photos your skin looks like it is because it is soooo beautiful, pale, unsulidied.

I wish I looked as good as you. But life sucks and it is what it is.

I have now accepted the damaged I have done to myself cannot be undone.

I pretended that I was a propper male guy. But that has always been bull->-bleeped-<-.

If I can find a way to send you photos I will.

My body is a testament to neglect, hatred of myself, a will to deny who I am, and a total destruction of the person I could have been.

I am coming to undetstand who I am, but I really destroyed my body, my skin and everything.

I wrecked pretty much everything in denial.

And Ff sake, I still hate myself, I hate what I'm doing to my wife, I hate what is in my head but I keep coming back to my wifes love and my best mate dying at 21.

[Maid Marion]

I've learned the art of grooming roses for rose shows. They allow you to cut off damaged leaves and petals.  I found I can carefully re-shape petals with a tiny pair of scissors to make them look better! Of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It took me a while to realize that judges prefer "buxom beauties."  Size counts for just 10 points out of 100, but hybrid teas need those ten points to be on the trophy table.  The hardest ten points to get!

There is an art to looking good at any age.  The fitness youngsters take for granted becomes more important as you age.  How someone walks can make a big impression on how good they look.

[tammy753]

SO I have tried to reply to this thread. I struggle with my depression and it actually has gotten worse since I started therapy. My Therapist said this is normal since we are digging into parts of my life I have suppressed.

I have taken to wearing a skirt at home and that is helping with some of those not feminine enough feelings. I think I just won't be that Girly like I was in my 20's. I have live a long time and pretended to be this "tough guy" for so long I can't just turn that off. I think we need to cut our selves a break. We can't undo decades of programming over night. I spent 50 years trying to hide who I am just to fit in and now that I want to access those parts I suppressed they aren't willing to come out.

Dammit my therapist is right about this IFS stuff... Now I have to admit she is right today.

Is this a reply? Sorry is this the ramblings of person going mad.