Switching back and forth is exhausting

[tammy753]

I have been wearing a skirt everyday since i work from home. I find I don't want to leave my house because I would have to change clothes then change back when I get home. I haven't gotten my mail this week because of this. I don't know how to keep living a double life. I had tried to wear women's jeans and tops as a compromise. I think this switching back and forth is making my agoraphobia worse. Any tips for navigating this transitional phase? I feel trapped and I have to spend the next 1 1/2 years here to reach a financial point I can risk changing jobs so I can Move out of this city and state.

[KathyLauren]

Yes, the double-life phase is hard.  It takes a lot of emotional energy, and, if you are out to anyone, then you have to keep track of who knows and who doesn't, and who might blab to whom.

If there is an LGBTQ+ support group anywhere nearby, it might help to join them, as it would be a safe place where you could be out to other people.  When I started, I'd take along a change of clothes, wearing drab for the trip and changing in a bathroom when I got there.

I'd like to tell you that it'll get better once you start coming out, but I see that US flag under your name, so I can't promise you that.  I hope you are able to make that move to a safer place.

[tammy753]

When I was in my 20's and was dumber I would pack a bag of clothes and change in the car. I didn't know how unsafe I was being. I just new I needed to go out. I got caught by someone that knew my grandparents but I don't think they recognized me. It was dark and I was in full make up and a long dress. I looked like I just got back from an event. Nothing ever came from that but from that day forward I locked up Tammy and only let her out a few times a year. Now that I am in therapy I am trying to get back to that stupid 20 year old that was more brave but its hard knowing how far backwards we are going.


So I just rambled, sorry I have all this bottled up please ignore me my therapist cancelled my session yesterday so I am used to getting all this out once a week.

[Stottie Girl]

This is me currently me Tammy. I work from home a fair bit so am dressed feminine all the time but I have to don the boy clothes when I go out. You do kind of stop wanting to go out, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like dressing in boys clothes is now crossdressing! It is a pain in the behind to be fair but I can forsee an end to it so I make do.

[AlisonM]

I am the opposite... I only dress when going out, my days at home are spent in drab clothes because I am not out to my 96 year old dad who lives with me.  I am almost always underdressed in a bra and panties/pantyhose though.  It is exhausting and I always change in a gas station restroom.

[tammy753]

I have to wear a bra under my male disguise so I have taken to makes sure I carry my phone or what ever in a way that I hide my breasts. I feel like such a fraud in both modes these days. I am just tired but I made a plan for the next 2 years and I need to stick to it. I just need to vent once in a while, I think my therapist is pissed at me because I'm not getting better faster.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I am just tired but I made a plan for the next 2 years and I need to stick to it. I just need to vent once in a while, I think my therapist is pissed at me because I'm not getting better faster.

The fact that you have a plan and know you need to stick to it is the first sign of success. As the saying goes, "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail." It is your plan, not your therapist's. No one gets to tell you how fast or slow you need to progress. There is no timeline, no mandatory requirement. You go as fast as you are ready, take a break when you need to, and stop at any time you feel comfortable doing so.

The back-and-forth switching is tough. I lived in an apartment building, so I had to pass neighbors and management to check my mail, take out the trash, or even go to my car. I don't wear dresses or skirts, except indoors when it is really hot out.

But when I started wearing women's jeans, no one noticed. I added women's tops, and no one noticed. I added jewelry and women's shoes, and no one said a thing. This built up my courage to just be out. I started wearing makeup. Just a little eyeliner and lipstick. One of my closest neighbors was waiting downstairs for a delivery, and I couldn't get past her without being seen. So I stopped and chatted for a moment. She asked if I was wearing lipstick. That's what she noticed. Not the clothes, not the jewelry, not the shoes, not the eyeliner. I told her I had an appointment to get to and we could talk later.

That led to coming out to my neighbors. I simply said yes, I am transgender, as if it wasn't a big deal. I could have said I was an auto mechanic and got the same reaction. If you don't make it a big deal, most others won't either. And how many people are going to see you up close, just going to get your mail? You think everyone is watching for you to open your door. The truth is, they are too busy watching TV or dealing with their own issues.

Relax. Be yourself. It is the most natural thing you can do. And when you act as if it is natural, others will sense that it really is. But still take it at your own pace, and safety first.

[Courtney G]

I do this, as well. Today, I'm working from home in women's shorts, women's underwear and a cami with shelf bra. I'll put a baggy shirt on if I have to leave the house. I'll leave my pink earrings in and make no effort to hide my long hair. No one seems to care.

I only wear women's jeans now. So I do what I can to wear affirming clothes and underthings so it makes going out in boy mode easier.

[tammy753]

My Sister works across the street from where I live. I haven't talked to her in over a year but I am not ready to tell my brothers and nieces and nephews so I am worried about that too. I also kind of want them to figure it out to save me the conversation. My therapist keeps telling me she will get me to the point of not caring what other people think. I hope she is right.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I also kind of want them to figure it out to save me the conversation. My therapist keeps telling me she will get me to the point of not caring what other people think. I hope she is right.

Once people think they have figured it out, they will ask questions to confirm their suspicions. Just don't deny it. Your attitude should be like "Yeah, so what?" Your therapist will work with you to help you understand that the opinions of others do not matter. But the understanding comes from within you once you have accepted yourself for who you are.

When I came to that realization, I decided that I would no longer live my life according to the whims of others. It is my life, and no one can live it for me. Therefore, I get to decide how I want to live. If others are uncomfortable with that, that is their problem, not mine. My life goes on.

You will get there. It takes time. Be patient with yourself.

[Courtney G]

I agree with Lori. Please do try to be patient with yourself. Some of us need more time than others. I'm finally getting tired of hiding. I still hide a lot but I also do a lot of stuff I was unable to do just a few months ago.

[Athena]

Before I had the courage to come out of the closet I wore yoga pants almost exclusively, I never had an issue though as much as I don't see it myself apparently I pass so that likely helped.