Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Petunia]

Anna, I have been dressing similar to what you have described.
Girl jeans, or leggings in casual, femme sneakers or obvious womens akle boots and either womens tees or mens neat button up shirts.

Jewelry is earrings, thin braclet and necklace.

I have only had positive comments on the womens items I've been wearing.

I'm trying to find a nice style women's shirt or blouse that doesn't scream out. The two that I have are OBVIOUSLY women's items are would be crossing the line if I wore them out with my wife.

I did wear one out once with white jeans and open toed sandles when getting my brows done and my beautician liked what I chose and said it was very age approapriate.

What you have said about comments from other women, I am guessing they are suspecting you are changing.  I get that same idea from our female friends.

Growing your hair longer like I am too is another clue

[KristaFairchild]

Gym session today. The first in almost two weeks since summer contains a lot of other activities. A bit of an allround workout with bike, glutemax, rdl, glutemedius and some core. Might be a bit stiff tomorrow - the RDL has that effect when waiting too long between sessions.
I try to do 3-4 sessions per week during Oct-May, but June-Sep tends to be once per 7-10 days.

I find different activities make me feel differently about my gender. While I realize I'm always Krista, my body has its own memory. Do you feel that when you work out? 

[Finally Anna]

I find different activities make me feel differently about my gender.

Yes, I also have that feeling.
I am always fully Anna when I work out. Feeling and dressing Anna, more female-typical excercises, motivation by Anna, ...

[Finally Anna]

What you have said about comments from other women, I am guessing they are suspecting you are changing.  I get that same idea from our female friends.

Petunia, that is a good thing!
I hope they are suspecting that I am changing into more femme, even that they suspect that I am transfemme.

The reason is simple: They see changes and may wonder what is going on. If they then get a positive vibe from my softer and more caring behaviour, then that behaviour and their positive vibe is their view of the new me, if/when they later realize that I am in fact transfemme. The behaviour, not the word "trans", becomes their reference
Their reaction is then much more likely to be "Oh, transfemme, then we understand the changed appearance and we like her a lot" than "Trans, that is weird".

[Finally Anna]

Today is a day of testing.

My wife is out of town until tomorrow so I am testing various presentations to find out for myself what I really think and feel with respect to clothing.
A very light makeup with brows styled/coloured, mascara and just a very subtle very light blush (my skin tone) on top of the beard shadow for simplicity, light pink lipstick. Subtle.
Femme perfume.
Hair more femme without really styling it.
Glossy pink nail polish.
A couple of rings, a bracelet.

What is absolutely obvious is that I need a bust to even remotely resemble a woman, bodily. Without bust there are just these wide shoulders and the blouses fit/hang badly. With a padded bra and medium sized bust things look so much better. So, for an actually femme presentation with a skirt I will need a bustline.

Almost as obvious is that face and hair are not female enough. Ok, my hair can be styled androgynously but it lacks a few cm if I want a more female hairstyle. Face is male. Not square and angular male but still male. Can probably be decently fixed with makeup and if getting rid of the beard shadow (laser, makeup).

So, how did the various outfits work then?

Female style
Beige linen blouse and black maxi skirt, with high wedges: Nice. Below the neck this could possibly-probably pass as a woman even though I don't have any hips.

Androgynous or Femme that is leaning andro:
Leggings, same blouse, canvas sneakers: Nice.
Denims, same blouse, canvas sneakers: Nice.
Stretch trousers, lavender shirt-blouse that is androgynous, canvas sneakers: Nice, but this is without any bust since that shirt is too small for a bust.

I dont have any flats that can be used instead of the sneakers.

If there is a bottom line then it is that:
I feel about as good when presenting femme leaning androgynously as I do when I present all femme. It is also that my perception of myself has changed a lot since a few months back. A few months ago I couldn't look at myself in purely female clothing, without a lot of aversion. Now it is quite ok, given that the clothes fit well.

[Maid Marion]

Black skirts minimize volume.  A white or light colored skirts will help balance your top by adding volume.  Pleating skirts will also add volume.

I have thick thighs.  I'll choose skirts that hide my thighs while showing the thinner part of my legs below the skirt.  That is about four inches above the knee.  I suggest experimenting with different skirt lengths to see what is most flattering.

I have a lot of skirts.

Marion

[Finally Anna]

If there is a bottom line then it is that:
I feel about as good when presenting femme leaning androgynously as I do when I present all femme. It is also that my perception of myself has changed a lot since a few months back. A few months ago I couldn't look at myself in purely female clothing, without a lot of aversion. Now it is quite ok, given that the clothes fit well.

And I've been in black leggings and a soft v-neck blouse w short sleeves (not one of those I tested earlier) for most of the day. Comfy and gives a nice feeling. Femme, but leaning andro.
I actually did a double take, and then some, when I saw myself in the full length mirror. With leggings and that blouse my hair reads much more androgynously than it does with a male shirt. Suddenly, there was a femme leaning androgynous person in the mirror. Looking more closely I am obviously male, but my quick first impression was "Yay! I am not that guy anymore!". That is the first time I get that feeling.
Could be because the lights weren't on 😉, but still a nice feeling. ☺️

[KristaFairchild]

And I've been in black leggings and a soft v-neck blouse w short sleeves (not one of those I tested earlier) for most of the day. Comfy and gives a nice feeling. Femme, but leaning andro.
I actually did a double take, and then some, when I saw myself in the full length mirror. With leggings and that blouse my hair reads much more androgynously than it does with a male shirt. Suddenly, there was a femme leaning androgynous person in the mirror. Looking more closely I am obviously male, but my quick first impression was "Yay! I am not that guy anymore!". That is the first time I get that feeling.
Could be because the lights weren't on 😉, but still a nice feeling. ☺️

OMG, yes, Anna! 

One morning as the sun rose I stepped in front of the mirror in dim light, wearing my nightie. I took a glance and saw a woman glancing back at me! I had a no makeup or wig or anything else except that nightie. I'll never forget it. 

The difference between us is that I immediately wanted MORE. More femme. More of the ways of presenting that I had been both craving and burying. 

[Stottie Girl]

It's an epic feeling when you catch yourself in the mirror. One that just keeps getting more and more intense as your transition goes on. There will be days when the dysphoria kicks in and you can't see past the maleness but hang on to those precious moments where you were unequivably female in that moment.

I'm getting to the point now where I'm looking in the mirror and I'm starting to thing I look more like an early transition transman in male mode. It might just be the loger hair but whatever it is I can see my femininity peaking through even my male mode now. It's very exciting.

[Petunia]

I had it this afternoon

It was windy outside and went to the bathroom to do my minoxy for hair loss.

My hair is thin and fly away, but blown back with sparkling earrings (I still can't get over the second piercings I got) I didn't look at the ugly face in the middle.

I saw the girl in the mirror.

Wow. A long way from showering in the dark a bit over 12 months ago

[Finally Anna]

I had it this afternoon
...
I saw the girl in the mirror.

Yes! That feeling! That glimpse of hope!
I am smiling when I read your post and sense that feeling.
☺️

[Finally Anna]

It's an epic feeling when you catch yourself in the mirror. One that just keeps getting more and more intense as your transition goes on. There will be days when the dysphoria kicks in and you can't see past the maleness but hang on to those precious moments where you were unequivably female in that moment.

Thanks, Sarah!
I will try to keep that feeling in my internal drawer, so that I can open that drawer and feel a bit of that feeling in those dark moments that inevitably lurk around the corner.
💕

[Finally Anna]

Online therapy session just finished.

No "big issue" to handle so it became a kind of discussion where I can be totally open about things, with someone who both has experience and is not personally involved.
We talked a bit about how I have at times wondered if I am NB because I do not yet have this urge to come out to the world visually and socially, and neither am I so far very focused on pronouns and name. I can boymode without any big issue - it's not what I want/like but I can do it when "needed". My male name works fine in the world that knows me by that name. Anna would also be fine but noone but me, my therapist and you here at Susan's know about the name Anna. My wife does not, yet. But no, I am not NB. I am transfemme, I know it and I have proof points that I can rely on if I ever wonder about NB again (I will not).
We also talked a bit about how the important thing for me so far is how I perceive myself in my own mind. As an introverted person I feed mainly on internal thinking, not on external interaction.

My mind is both freewheeling and structured at the same time and it does not have an off switch. This is how it has always been, for as long as I can remember. Always doing some kind of thinking, speculation, hypothesis proofing, learning, reflecting or just finding that "Hmmm, that is interesting. I better look into it a bit more".

Come to think about it, I wonder if Anna is at least a little bit more extroverted than was my male persona before coming out? Interesting thought and with a bit of afterthought probably true. I truly have enjoyed the interaction I've had with women at various gatherings discussing various things that would have been of no interest earlier on.

Well, whatever...

[Maid Marion]

I now gender female so strongly voice, appearance, and mannerisms that folks think I'm female despite my male name!  Before it was just my voice.  Now a I can be on the golf course for hours with a couple guys and I gender female.  No makeup or nail polish as I don't have time for that with an early tee time.

Marion

[Finally Anna]

Sounds very nice, Marion!

[Maid Marion]

Androgyny sounds nice but it is a very tough place to be, socially, as confusion interferes with social interaction.  I know as I was there for decades before transitioning!

[Finally Anna]

Baby step! One totally unnoticeable step for mankind, a small leap for Anna.

Maybe it was my therapy session? Maybe it was the effect of Susan's? Maybe because I am solo at home and a bit more dressed than usual? Or maybe it was just about time?

I suddenly remembered that I needed to go to the Pharmacy to get a few things, but I was dressed in black leggings and a blue blouse. Two steps vs bedroom to change into sweatpants and a polo but then Anna's voice said: No! There will be no change of clothes! You will go to the Pharmacy dressed as you are! Then you will also go by the gas station to fill up the car so that your wife has a full tank tomorrow! Just do it!

Ok then. Half-chilly outside so womens hoodie on, over blue blouse and black leggings. Femme canvas sneakers on.
Hmmm, blouse is clearly visible below the hem of the hoodie. Looking, thinking and then I chickened out and tucked the blouse.
But I went to the Pharmacy and to the gas station. There weren't that many people around but perhaps five or six at the pharmacy and two at the gas station, plus people in the Pharmacy parking lot.

I survived! And I enjoyed it! It was slightly scary but I had made up my mind! @KristaFairchild you helped me believe in myself. 💕
None of the people I saw even raised an eyebrow. I'm not sure they even noticed anything. Those behind me in line at the Pharmacy may have seen, but so what? Let them see.

This felt good!
Maybe I should have let the blouse be visible and maybe I should have had the hoodie zipper more open? But I will get there. Baby steps.

Maybe I actually need a bit more of social visibility then I have thought I need? Time will tell.

[Stottie Girl]

Wow Anna! That move came out the blue! Congratulations! So glad you didn't recieve any negativity. I guess it the reality of the situation is that most people would never say anything even if they did notice. It still doesn't diminish the amount of courage it took to walk out over that threshold. Good on you! First trip of many hopefully.

[Lori Dee ✅]

My mind is both freewheeling and structured at the same time and it does not have an off switch. This is how it has always been, for as long as I can remember. Always doing some kind of thinking, speculation, hypothesis proofing, learning, reflecting or just finding that "Hmmm, that is interesting. I better look into it a bit more".

This is so me. In my teens, I even started a notebook (small, pocket-sized) that I would write the interesting things down in. I called it my Puzzle Pieces. I knew these things were related or connected somehow, but I wasn't sure how. I couldn't see the bigger picture. Decades later, as I learned more on different topics, the gaps filled in to a point where I could see it. My mind was blown, but everything arrived with perfect clarity. It was a spiritual awakening that I had been looking for.

I'm glad you resisted the urge to change clothes and just went out anyway. And the fact that no one really noticed has been my experience too. People are mostly stuck inside their own little world. They can't see past their phones or are more concerned about the issues they are dealing with: work, school, money, rent, food, etc.

Good for you for breaking that barrier.

[Finally Anna]

Good for you for breaking that barrier.

Lori, consider yourself a part of that. 💕

Baby steps. Take your time and do what you are comfortable with. When that becomes easy, push the envelope just a little. Keep doing that and little by little you will gain the confidence to step out boldly and roar, "I AM WOMAN!" Ok, maybe not to that extreme yet.