Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Finally Anna]

No one cared. So I did more.

I find myself doing just that, more.
Today's all androgynous-femme wasn't even a thing. I stood in front of the mirror and wondered if I should perhaps use the femme shirt-blouse (nothing androgynous about that one) instead of that femme-andro shirt. Well, there's always a next step.

Looking back just a few months the difference in my own mind is obvious. I enjoy being out and about in a bit more femme-leaning clothing. And a bit more, ...
All-male is still doable, bit it's not me. It's just not me.
☺️

[KristaFairchild]

I find myself doing just that, more.
Today's all androgynous-femme wasn't even a thing. I stood in front of the mirror and wondered if I should perhaps use the femme shirt-blouse (nothing androgynous about that one) instead of that femme-andro shirt. Well, there's always a next step.

Looking back just a few months the difference in my own mind is obvious. I enjoy being out and about in a bit more femme-leaning clothing. And a bit more, ...
All-male is still doable, bit it's not me. It's just not me.
☺️

I was on a pendulum of joy and fear, but there was one obvious pattern. 

I could not retreat. Once I wore colored polish, that became a norm. Once I went to dangly earrings, the studs were rarely worn. Fear or no fear, I advanced toward being myself. 

I keep thinking about your wife saying, "did you remember to take your estradiol?"

Once my wife was on board, my life changed rapidly. 

[Finally Anna]

I keep thinking about your wife saying, "did you remember to take your estradiol?"
Once my wife was on board, my life changed rapidly.

Not my wife though, but Petunia's.
My wife is on board, so far, but hasn't been put to "real" tests yet.
☺️

[Petunia]

Another of those baby steps.
Went to the grocery store in all femme clothing. In practice it is a bit femme-leaning androgynous. Women's straight leg denims, lavender-coloured shirt (not tucked, I wanted it to be seen 😉 ), canvas sneakers and a zipped hoodie.
Femme perfume, that possibly can pass as androgynous.
An ever so subtle makeup, almost invisible, but on closer look the brows are definitely filled in and lip gloss (glossy, but very subtle colour) is visible for anyone that looks.

No one cared. Not a raised eybrow in sight. As expected. But still a baby step.

I usually find this too. Nobody really looks.

I tend to add sunglasses when I'm outside which allows me to avoid direct eye contact if needed.

Something else I've noticed, mainly when I'm in leggings or yoga pants, is crotch stares. Mainly from 20s and 30s women.

I never noticed this as a guy but I've seen it quite a few times as it lingers a few seconds. I try to make sure nothing shows, which I guess is the reason for the longer gazes.

[Mariah ✅]

When she is put to that test, I hope she is on board for you. Hugs
Mariah

Not my wife though, but Petunia's.
My wife is on board, so far, but hasn't been put to "real" tests yet.
☺️

[Petunia]

Not my wife though, but Petunia's.
My wife is on board, so far, but hasn't been put to "real" tests yet.
☺️

I had to laugh at that, not for the mix up, just because our stories and paths are so similar.

[Finally Anna]

Today's all androgynous-femme wasn't even a thing. I stood in front of the mirror and wondered if I should perhaps use the femme shirt-blouse (nothing androgynous about that one) instead of that femme-andro shirt. Well, there's always a next step.
Looking back just a few months the difference in my own mind is obvious. I enjoy being out and about in a bit more femme-leaning clothing. And a bit more, ...

Reading what I wrote yesterday and realizing that I want to be seen (the shock of realizing 😱). I don't want to be clocked as a weird trans woman looking like a bad impersonator, but more like at least a few persons see me and then their eyes dwell on me for a second more than they normally would. Being noticed is perhaps a proper description.
I can't even begin to tell you how unexpected this is, weird even. Back in March-July I would have balked at being noticed as anything out of the ordinary.

Ok, I have always dressed nicely and often with a lot of colour and also with colours more often associated with women's clothing (I wonder why 🙃 ) like pink, lavender, purple, red, ... so I may have been noticed all the time but I haven't wanted to be noticed. A notable difference vs now. I am absolutely not exhibitionistic and I am more introverted than many, so this is a bit of a revelation. Perhaps Anna is a bit more extroverted than that old guy I used to be?

Edit: Perhaps that is why I rolled up my denim shorts about 2-3 cm more, this morning when doing some errands? From just above knee to a little bit over the knee. I didn't think much of it at the time, but maybe it is a pattern?

A slippery slope indeed.

[Maid Marion]

Yesterday the grocery store cashier said she liked my colorful golf shirt.
It isn't just the colors and pattern, but my ability find and wear shirts that accentuate my thin waistline.

Marion

[Stottie Girl]

Reading what I wrote yesterday and realizing that I want to be seen (the shock of realizing 😱). I don't want to be clocked as a weird trans woman looking like a bad impersonator, but more like at least a few persons see me and then their eyes dwell on me for a second more than they normally would. Being noticed is perhaps a proper description.
I can't even begin to tell you how unexpected this is, weird even. Back in March-July I would have balked at being noticed as anything out of the ordinary.

Ok, I have always dressed nicely and often with a lot of colour and also with colours more often associated with women's clothing (I wonder why 🙃 ) like pink, lavender, purple, red, ... so I may have been noticed all the time but I haven't wanted to be noticed. A notable difference vs now. I am absolutely not exhibitionistic and I am more introverted than many, so this is a bit of a revelation. Perhaps Anna is a bit more extroverted than that old guy I used to be?

Edit: Perhaps that is why I rolled up my denim shorts about 2-3 cm more, this morning when doing some errands? From just above knee to a little bit over the knee. I didn't think much of it at the time, but maybe it is a pattern?

A slippery slope indeed.

Yeah I can empathaise with that. When I transition I want very much to be seen. I have spent the entirety of my life in the background. Never noticed. I feel that Sarah is more outgoing, bubbly, how I was meant to be really. I want to be noticed but I want to be noticed for the right reasons, which is why I'm taking my time with this stuff, however, I am slimming down quite rapidly now and my bust is getting more prominant with it. At some point in the very near future I will absolutely pass the point of male fail if I have not already. You know what though? I don't care. It feels so right, there is no stopping this I feel.

[tammy753]

Reading what I wrote yesterday and realizing that I want to be seen (the shock of realizing 😱). I don't want to be clocked as a weird trans woman looking like a bad impersonator, but more like at least a few persons see me and then their eyes dwell on me for a second more than they normally would. Being noticed is perhaps a proper description.
I can't even begin to tell you how unexpected this is, weird even. Back in March-July I would have balked at being noticed as anything out of the ordinary.

Ok, I have always dressed nicely and often with a lot of colour and also with colours more often associated with women's clothing (I wonder why 🙃 ) like pink, lavender, purple, red, ... so I may have been noticed all the time but I haven't wanted to be noticed. A notable difference vs now. I am absolutely not exhibitionistic and I am more introverted than many, so this is a bit of a revelation. Perhaps Anna is a bit more extroverted than that old guy I used to be?

Edit: Perhaps that is why I rolled up my denim shorts about 2-3 cm more, this morning when doing some errands? From just above knee to a little bit over the knee. I didn't think much of it at the time, but maybe it is a pattern?

A slippery slope indeed.

I think I want to be invisible always. I have always hated being the center of attention. It sounds like you are coming into your own and are excited to share that with the world. I am more focused on decorating my nice and safe shell. I only stick my head out when i have to.

[tgirlamg]

so this is a bit of a revelation. Perhaps Anna is a bit more extroverted than that old guy I used to be?

A slippery slope indeed.

We seldom know what is truly behind the doors within ourself until we open them and walk through... Sometimes those long locked doors require a good bit of determined prying to open but, that is part of the adventure... As far as slippery slopes go... Enjoy the ride! 🏂⛷️🛷

Onward Brave Sister!

A 💕

[KristaFairchild]

Reading what I wrote yesterday and realizing that I want to be seen (the shock of realizing 😱). I don't want to be clocked as a weird trans woman looking like a bad impersonator, but more like at least a few persons see me and then their eyes dwell on me for a second more than they normally would. Being noticed is perhaps a proper description.
I can't even begin to tell you how unexpected this is, weird even. Back in March-July I would have balked at being noticed as anything out of the ordinary.

Ok, I have always dressed nicely and often with a lot of colour and also with colours more often associated with women's clothing (I wonder why 🙃 ) like pink, lavender, purple, red, ... so I may have been noticed all the time but I haven't wanted to be noticed. A notable difference vs now. I am absolutely not exhibitionistic and I am more introverted than many, so this is a bit of a revelation. Perhaps Anna is a bit more extroverted than that old guy I used to be?

Edit: Perhaps that is why I rolled up my denim shorts about 2-3 cm more, this morning when doing some errands? From just above knee to a little bit over the knee. I didn't think much of it at the time, but maybe it is a pattern?

A slippery slope indeed.

It's human nature to want be seen as our authentic selves. Also to protect ourselves from danger and risk. And discovering the meaning of "authentic" can be difficult. 

Although I want to 'correct' your words about being read as a "weird trans woman looking like a bad impersonator", I completely relate. It's a ubiquitous and natural fear among women like us. 

Yet the urge to roll up the shorts is real. To wear colors. Makeup. To move towards that slowly exposed new identity. 

It's not about wanting to be on a stage. It's about not wanting to be hidden in the pit. 

Slippery slope? In some ways, of course. But maybe it's a slope that is granting you traction. 

When I went from 3/4 feminine presenting to my best attempt at 100%, something clicked. Not the first time!!!! I was terrified even though I was far from anyone who might know me. But the second was easier. The third even easier. 

My body and heart always knew what they wanted. But the gray convoluted stuff inside my thick head needed to listen. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

Slippery slope? In some ways, of course. But maybe it's a slope that is granting you traction. 

The first time going down a ski slope is scary! But doing it feels exhilarating.

And when you get to the bottom, you dust yourself off and go again.

It doesn't matter how many times you fall. You still want to go again.

(Words of wisdom provided by someone who has never skied in her life. Tubing? YES. Skis? No.)

[Finally Anna]

Had a bit of discussion with wifey around things, yesterday. Nothing problematic but she is on a journey because of me, of course, and she needs time and probably more discussion to adapt.

On a side note: I wonder if she really has accepted that I am a woman on the inside? She absolutely understands that I am part woman, that I have at least a substantial female part to my personality, and that that part has to get freedom of expression. Perhaps it is not that important right now? I don't intend to rub it in. As my profile text says: Slowly, softly, surely.

Paradox, paradox: She is also affected by me being so much more sensitive, caring and soft. Because of this her "shield" for my previous relative insensitivity and lack of empathy has been lowered a lot. Means that if I now happen to be a bit harsh in a comment, it hits her harder (and I feel awful about it).

Anyway, she said that she's sorry for being a bit insensitive in her reaction and comment about my flared leggings the other day. I don't really have a problem with her being candid about things but it's nice that she also reflected on her spontaneous comment.
Also, she said she was at the clothes store where I have a gift card from our children (dad, for your new style) and saw a nice light jacket summer/autumn style, but said she then realized she looked in the men's section and became uncertain about what I really want.
My comment: I'm not sure what I want.

I will later say to her that I've thought about it and that it is perhaps hard to find but that I'd like something that is androgynous, soft and perhaps a slight bit femme leaning. A jacket would be nice and one or two T-shirts that are femme-ish in style. I'll go there with her and then we can look at things together.

The slope is indefinite, but so far realtively easily skiable.
I also realize that I haven't had that roller-coaster feeling for a while. Going to the grocery store in all andro-femme was not really a roller-coaster but more like going down a known ski slope but where the snow conditions are a bit unknown (those that ski will understand: ice, firn, breakable crust, ...).

[Petunia]

The fact that your wife recognised that you might like something that isn't from the mens section is huge.

Have fun shopping

[KristaFairchild]

On a side note: I wonder if she really has accepted that I am a woman on the inside? 

Anyway, she said that she's sorry for being a bit insensitive in her reaction and comment about my flared leggings the other day. 

... she then realized she looked in the men's section and became uncertain about what I really want.
My comment: I'm not sure what I want.

The slope is indefinite, but so far relatively easily skiable.

At this point in my transition, I don't care if my wife really understands my gender. It took me 55 years to even BEGIN to see my own gender clearly, and another 6 years to go from fearful doubting beginnings to coming out. 

She accepts, supports, and loves me. That's I need right now. 

Your wife's apology sounds meaningful. There is something happening in her related to your gender. Sounds like a seed that she is nurturing. 

"I'm not sure what I want" might have made me laugh because that was my mantra for many years. It felt true. But in safe queer spaces I confessed my joy in seeking more and more femininity. 

My wife loves clothes. It's almost an addiction. So when I bought and wore women's clothes that could sort of pass as men's, she noticed. Eventually I provided a more honest response. "I feel best in women's clothes but it also makes me nervous. I love you and value our marriage deeply." 

Keep skiing, friend. 

[Finally Anna]

She accepts, supports, and loves me. That's I need right now.

Your wife's apology sounds meaningful. There is something happening in her related to your gender. Sounds like a seed that she is nurturing.

"I'm not sure what I want" might have made me laugh because that was my mantra for many years. It felt true. But in safe queer spaces I confessed my joy in seeking more and more femininity.

My wife loves clothes. It's almost an addiction. So when I bought and wore women's clothes that could sort of pass as men's, she noticed. Eventually I provided a more honest response. "I feel best in women's clothes but it also makes me nervous. I love you and value our marriage deeply."

Krista, I wasn't completely truthful in saying "I dont know". I know fairly well what I want, like I wrote. But I am VERY keen on her being on board without me rocking her boat more than I need to. So, baby steps also vs my wife.

That seed that seems to be growing, being nurtured, must not be disturbed before it has gotten a more robust root system.

And my wife also loves clothes and shopping for clothes and she definitely sees and knows that I lean femme. To the point of asking if I am consciously going glacially slow just out of consideration for her. I'm not going slow just because of her, but she is one variable in the multivariate equation and I want to arrive at the correct solution 'cause I don't think there are any re-exams in this course.

🥰

[Maid Marion]

I love shopping for clothes.  As a guy nothing fit.
I wear women's sample sizes.  The world is my oyster!
The phrase goes back to Shakespeare referencing the difficulty of opening oysters.
The ability to wear sample sizes requires dedication to diet and exercise.

Marion

[Finally Anna]

I also quite like shopping for clothes, that is a sharp contrast to how I was "before", but I have the opposite experience.
Men's clothing fits ok, but the sizes I need in order to fit ok over my shoulders and be long enough for shoulders+arms are often a bit (too) loose around the waist. The fit gets a bit odd when wingspan is some +18 cm vs body length. 😊

So most women's tops/shirts that are ok over my shoulders will be a tent around my mid section. extensive testing finds that women's slim fit, or perhaps normal fit, in 3XL size can fit half-well so that it is not totally baggy in the lower end.

[Stottie Girl]

I have the opposite problem, my reasonably narrow 15" shoulders mean I can't get mens clothes that fit my chest without the shoulders being halfway down my bicep. I'm forever going around looking like I have tiny T-rex arms! Womens clothing fits me way better on the shoulders. The problem I have is getting womens clothes to fit my mid section as I'm still carrying way too much weight there.

I would say in your case you want to think about wearing v necks or scoop necks as that draws the eye down vertically and breaks up the horizontal width. If you have narrow hips too you could try fit and flare or A-line dresses and skirts or maybe peplum tops? This might help balance the top vs the bottom half.