Quote from: Finally Anna on Today at 05:02:21 AMIt is a bit like being in a kind of No man's Land. Maybe I wrote that before? Anyway, while I know that I really want to be a woman, am a woman, I am probably not fully there yet (mentally). But I am definitely not still a man and that is very obvious to me. So, for the time being it leaves me in an in-between state. Maybe that is my destination, to not fully embrace the female role and style? Or maybe it is just a temporary plateau and there is more to come? Or perhaps it is the combination of rather newly accepting a trans identity while also being very careful in not unecessarily ruining a beautiful marriage and not being all convinced about going full out with the social transition? Or a combination of all those? Or maybe being close to my real identity?
Questions, questions, ... and I know that there are no definite answers and I know that it is all about living the life, following the paths that evolve and being true enough to be happy.
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"
Of COURSE I'm replying to this, right? 🤣❤️
We are on such similar tracks, though my wife is making it a little easier on me. No promises from her though, and lots of fear and doubt about our future.
I have said everything you are saying. I said it every week for months, closer to every day. Who exactly am I? Who do I want to be? Is this a choice? How can I be myself and not blow up the life I've built and loved for decades? Or maybe is not "how", but just "can I"?
I'll reply differently than before when you've shared your feelings of doubt and question. Not that anything I've said before isn't true, but as you may know, the feelings vary. This is the experience I'm having now.
It swept me away like a girl at a ball. It grabbed my hand gently yet insistently and led me to the dance floor. It smiled into my eyes and was achingly beautiful. It held me close and whispered in my ear until tears streamed down my cheeks and then it laughed and we DANCED! With time, my awkwardness turned into confidence. I laughed too and saw that I was different than the wallflower I had been. I was no longer dressed in earth tones, but in jewel tones. I was spun in circles and felt joy. Then I danced alone but not all alone, because others danced and saw me. They really saw me! And midnight did NOT come.
There came a time when the joy outran the fear.
When the sweet aching need to be fully myself could no longer be refused.
When my body said gently and clearly that of if I didn't wear a skirt it was going on strike.
And I stopped wringing my hands, smiled a tentative smile, and put on the skirt.
Six months ago I asked questions without finding answers. My body demanded v-neck blouses for the first time and that I wore obvious - and ever so lovely - shades of lipstick for the first time. Once every week or two I left for a meeting dressed as a person who was not female but not quite male. After that meeting, trembling in my car, I dressed fully female. Wig, breast forms, skirt, shoes, makeup. And I raced into a trans gathering.
I found alone time to take photos of myself as I truly wanted to be and saw someone in there photos.
Me.
I'm even more free, now Anna, I'm so happy! I've worn more skirts than anything else for two weeks. I like myself in red lipstick and it turns out that others agree. Both my cute pairs of sandals show my painted red toes that often match my nails. No style, size, or shape of earrings are out-of-bounds. I've walked down the street as fully myself with more joy than fear. It stopped being a trial or performance and became a dance of love.
My old name is steadily retreating as more coworkers and friends see in my email signature that I'm using two names. They often choose to call me Krista. I've never used the other name in Susan's. It's dying.
I appreciate that I've been swept away into joy. I've tracked this with a journal and watched it happen. The journey has been hard and may become even harder. The future is mysterious and unknowable. I do known I'm trans. I know my nails will stay pretty and my legs will dance in my skirt. My wig demands to be worn and I'm so DONE with fighting myself. My breasts will either grow or prosthetic ones will provide my true shape. $200 gets me a series of voice lessons.
And everyone around me will have to hang on tight and enjoy the ride! Almost all of them love me as much or more as Krista, because they feel my joy.
For one more analogy, in our neighbor there is an interesting tree phenomenon. We plant trees and at first they do well in the rock topsoil deposited by the Sacramento River thousands of years ago when it flowed and flooded over our land.
Then the trees stop growing. They encounter the barrier of the hard rock that was too deep to be altered by the ancient river. The tree stagnates.
Its roots thicken. They sneak into cracks in the rock and break through until all of sudden the tree reaches water and grows again! Its leaves get bigger and glossier! The stagnant sapling grows into a lovely shade tree. It was slow. It was also inevitable.
