Anna, finally but not yet final.

[KristaFairchild]

First, I love you folks. So much. I read your honest words and shake my head in wonder. I read your equally honest supporting words for each other (and me) and tears well up in my eyes. 

Regarding standing in line, feeling like my gender presentation is stopping people from [insert whatever concern is in your mind]...

...I experienced that. Then I went to 100% female and nothing changed. No one stares. I chat with people and they chat back. In fact, the winning smile I had as male is better with lipstick. Few can resist smiling back. 

Your mileage may vary, of course, but you know where I live. A famously bigoted area. 

Oh, we do have an LGBTQ Center (nonprofit, of course; no government agency in our area would even think of doing something so "radical"). This is where I find that one percent or 3%. Attend attending the genderquest meetings has really changed my life, even if most of them are 40 years younger than I am! 

[Stottie Girl]

Keep that beak going, friend.

As for bold strides, you could be talking about me. You arrive just in time to see me take a lot of bold strides.

But if you've read my blog, and I know you have, You know that I stalled this process for about six years. I was hiding from myself for about three of those years. And even when I didn't know, I still was in some denial. And even when I stopped the denial, it still took me over a year to get where I am.

I'm so bold 🤣🤣🤣

I am talking about you and so many others Krista! It is genuinely inspiring and impressive the courage on display within these pages.

[Finally Anna]

Is it from months of mental exhaustion over this? Is it from deep acceptance? Is it just capitulation? Or is it finally the real me? Or is it for some other reason? Or a combination of all those?

What am I talking about? I am talking about my own view of myself.

Just this latest week, I seem to have reached a state where I just don't care as much about other peoples' thoughts about me or about my presentation. Don't misinterpret this as not caring at all and me going off on frilly dresses and red lipstick. That is definitely not the case. No, the case is that for my current level of female presentation I feel like it is mine to decide about and those that may have unwanted opinions on this, they can please (always polite 😉 ) kiss off. So, still at an androgynous level but it now feels like MY level. Like MY decisions. Like MY well-being. And I also think I have less fears about probably having a more feminine expression with time (which is likely).

I am who I am, and how I am.
It has taken me 50 years of a kind of dysphoria, to get here. But now I am truly here, and I will not leave.
A nice feeling.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think that is where I am as well.

I never saw myself, and still don't, as a girly girl. I have no interest in heels and frilly dresses. It just isn't me.

And I don't care if others don't approve. They don't get to live my life for me, so they have zero say in the matter. That doesn't mean I won't accept advice. I just don't feel any obligation to fill someone else's role. I tried that for sixty years, and it never turned out well for me.

[Finally Anna]

Only time can tell whether I will be at home in an androgynous femme-leaning style, or if I will drift towards a more classic female style, with stylish skirts and blouses. It could well be the case that I drift, but the very feminine femme style with pencils, figure hugging dresses, spiked heels and such feels distant and not like something that is me. But a year ago, or even seven months ago, my current presentation was definitely not me.

I like stylish clothing, but I also have a knack for the boho-chic style. Can seem a bit contradictory at a first glance, but boho can be very stylish when done right.

[tammy753]

I think I am more like Lori. I look for comfort. I do have some pretty tops but its usually jeans and a top for me. If I lose all this weight that could all change though. I do have some dresses I bought but they dont look good on me so I stick to casual styles.

[Christina152]

I like stylish clothing, but I also have a knack for the boho-chic style. Can seem a bit contradictory at a first glance, but boho can be very stylish when done right.

That's a lovely look. Too young for an old woman like me but very tasteful and feminine.

[Finally Anna]

That's a lovely look. Too young for an old woman like me but very tasteful and feminine.

Boho has no age restriction. I think it looks nice on any age when done right.
🥰

[Stottie Girl]

Yeah I'm a big fan of boho hippy chic too. But I do like the stilleto heels, the strappy sandals, the feminine dresses etc. I'm such a girl when it comes to that stuff ha ha! Shame I don't have the body for it yet!

[Finally Anna]

Quoting a bit selectively from other threads.
@Sarah B Your post in that thread hit me in the gut. It found the core of me. I am grateful for this.

TLDR: Repetition. You have seen this before. I'm preaching to myself. Move on.

...
However, I know a member here called Cindy and this story is just like yours and hence I can help indirectly as it is a story about her that I remember quite well.

Click on the following links and you will find out about Cindy's Dilemma.  But reading those threads again was interesting in itself.  There was one comment made by Cindy and I can only paraphrase it, something like; I was talking to one of my male collegues after coming out and said did you know what I was doing and he said "yes we did notice the changes you great Galah, but we thought you would tell us when you were ready".  I cannot find it, but you will get the significance of it.

• Cindy's Dilemma 1
• Cindy's Dilemma 2
• Cindy's Dilemma 3

I found the missing story!  I found it using the word "Galah".  This is the link "You bloody Galah".  Yes, she certainly was, with affection.

I hope you find them useful. 

Self-reflection only. You have seen this before.

Reading those linked posts. I relate a lot. Of course there are differences, but also similarities.
I was also denying and suppressing for so long, almost 50 years in my case.
While I had not planned my leaving this life by my own hand, it was definitely in the cards.
Since retiring shortly after coming out to myself no colleagues are there to see me, but my family is and even though my presentation is mostly androgynous male, I cannot help but wonder if I'm actually fooling anyone but myself? My wife knows, I'm out to her. The kids have eyes and them giving me that gift card with "Dad, for your new style" is either telling or just a nice gift, but a gift card for clothes is not their standard gift to me.

Again: Much longer hair, femme-ish perfumes, long nails with polish, androgynous trousers, femme trousers, femme sneakers, ... They are not blind.

What would I have done differently?
Not wore heels to work on my first day.
Not have worried about stuff I can't change anyway.

I was going to say - I should have transitioned 50 years before, but I probably wouldn't have survived. If I had I would have ended up as a drug addicted lost soul in the gutters of Liverpool.

So my advice?
Stop worrying.
Get rid of facial hair yesterday. Find a good therapist and talk openly and constructively.
Does your family know? That was not an issue for me, my partner was totally accepting - she knew I was TG when we married. If family is an issue that needs a lot of work.
Stop worrying
You are in the hide away and be a female thought pattern. Give up on that now. You are in your 50's, you have a wonderful life ahead. Plan to do something with it. You are a woman, a transgender woman, get over it and plan a life.
Stop worrying

These words find the core of me.
Coming out in the 70s would likely have led to a black hole of self-destruction. So by denying myself into my 60s, I have actually lived a good life and now have the opportunity to find new horizons and discover myself again. Not many people will have both of those in their 60s.
I am not in a hurry, but I'm well into my 60s and each day is one day closer to eternity. Why should I let fears, often unmotivated, control my life? Laser of my beard? Quite likely, but not until winter when I'm pale again. Coming out to our children? Also likely, so that I can be true and relaxed around them and so that they, hopefully, also can be relaxed about me.

Stop worrying.
You came out because you had to survive, literally, and your mental health and well-being is now better than ever.

Stop worrying.
You have a wife that loves you, that knows you are transfemme, and your relation is better than ever.
Your family is nothing short of fantastic. They will accept you.

There are no financial issues. You don't have an employment to worry about. You live in a country that is quite accepting and where the laws prohibit discrimination (of any kind) due to gender identity or gender identity expression.

Anna! Stop worrying and get on with your life.

💕

[Finally Anna]

I've been sloppy with my eating over the summer but it seems I have at least kept my weight and I had to punch a new hole in my belt when I used it with the (tight) denims. Still a long way to go, but reaching 77 kg (170 lbs) on my 175 cm (5'9") frame should be possible. Sounds heavy, I know, but I will look unhealthy if lighter than that.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@KristaFairchild 
      cc: @Finally Anna  @Stottie Girl  @tammy753  @Christina152  @Lori Dee  @Petunia

Dear Krista:
You are quite correct and here on the Forum my goal is that all of our members and visitors find
supporting words and encouraging reply comments.

I completely agree with your statement:
"....Then I went to 100% female and nothing changed. No one stares. I chat with people and they chat back.
In fact, the winning smile I had as male is better with lipstick. Few can resist smiling back."

When out and about, displaying a winning smile, a positive attitude, self-assurance and self-acceptance garners
more acceptance from those that come across your path.

I live in a small town with a preponderance of loggers, fishermen, and outdoors men and women... not exactly
the hub of acceptance for trans-women ... HOWEVER, I found that when I try to blend in with how other women
in my town dress, act and present themselves that I have very few negative reactions.  When I moved here
I was the new girl in town, so being a 5 foot 4 inches blue-eyed blonde made me quite visible in my town.
Hence the subject title of my Blog Thread  I am the Hunted Prey: Danielle's Chronicles
            Started: April 08, 2018

Thank you very much Krista for all of your sharing your thoughts and comments
on the various Forum topics and threads.
        ❤️   
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
          Forum Administrator
Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

First, I love you folks. So much. I read your honest words and shake my head in wonder. I read your equally honest supporting words for each other (and me) and tears well up in my eyes.

Regarding standing in line, feeling like my gender presentation is stopping people from [insert whatever concern is in your mind]...

...I experienced that. Then I went to 100% female and nothing changed. No one stares. I chat with people and they chat back. In fact, the winning smile I had as male is better with lipstick. Few can resist smiling back.

Your mileage may vary, of course, but you know where I live. A famously bigoted area.

Oh, we do have an LGBTQ Center (nonprofit, of course; no government agency in our area would even think of doing something so "radical"). This is where I find that one percent or 3%. Attend attending the genderquest meetings has really changed my life, even if most of them are 40 years younger than I am!

[Stottie Girl]

I live in a small town with a preponderance of loggers, fishermen, and outdoors men and women... not exactly
the hub of acceptance for trans-women ... HOWEVER, I found that when I try to blend in with how other women
in my town dress, act and present themselves that I have very few negative reactions.  When I moved here
I was the new girl in town, so being a 5 foot 4 inches blue-eyed blonde made me quite visible in my town.
Hence the subject title of my Blog Thread  I am the Hunted Prey: Danielle's Chronicles
            Started: April 08, 2018

Danielle, I would say your blog should be required reading for anyone starting out on this journey. It is a beautiful example of just how accepting a community can be when you open yourself to them and engage with them, especially with that trademark winning smile of yours. It certainly inspires hope in me for the future that's for sure.

[Finally Anna]

Not really a question requiring answers, but more of an observation and a bit of introspection. My way of doing a bit of therapy with myself.

I wonder where I'll end up, with feminisation?

The femme gravitation seems to be working its pull - slowly and softly, but surely.
Doing all-male (not counting underdressing) is still "possible", but it is not very inspiring thinking about it. In fact, it feels quite unattractive to do all-male. And thinking a bit more about it, I cannot even remember the last time I dressed all-male.
Ever so subtle makeup, almost non-detectable, almost every day. Meaning brows and lip gloss. Three layers of clear glossy polish, to make the nails really smooth and get a deep luster. Looking at ways of styling my hair in a more femme-leaning androgynous style. Next visit to the hairstylist is in a week. I'll show her a picture with a style I like, then she can tell if that style is doable.
Definitely caring a bit less about what people might think about my clothing. Even to the point of sometimes wanting them to at least notice. Still, just a bit androgynous in my expression, but with more of a "not my problem" attitude about it.
Seriously considering laser of the beard shadow.
Looking at how to keep my hair from slowly disappearing (but would need prescription for this).

Session with my therapist in a week, but I really don't know if I need it anymore. I know quite well what/who I am and I am confident in my ability to navigate these waters. If I run aground on some hidden rock then things will be different, but until then things will probably be ok.

The fear, the scare, is still there at times but it is so weak compared to how it was just a few months ago. There's more of feeling good and feeling like I am slowly finding the real me, like I am peeling off the 50 years of suppressions and denial, layer by layer, and finding more of myself inside. I don't want to rush things. Backlash is not enjoyable and while my wife is supporting and caring, she should not be put under more duress than needed. I cannot really see an enjoyable future without her, so I just have to bring her along in this.

Eyeing this post and there are a lot of "I". Perhaps that makes it a bit self-centric? But it is about me, so self-centric is at least partly ok even if I don't like egocentric behaviour at all.

Looking back to before I came out, it is like night vs day. I had a really rough time for a couple of years just before coming out to myself. My pains were hidden from others, no one had a clue, but they ate away on me, feasted on me. And those pains, those doubts, those dark thoughts and all that self-loathing is just gone. I needed to write that, so that I keep reminding myself about the relative serenity I experience now.

Slowly, softly, surely.

💕