Anna, finally but not yet final.

[Stottie Girl]

As of today I am not aiming for any kind of surgery but if I would be then I think that FFS would be first on my list, followed by BA and then GCS. But it's quite hypothetical and I'd have issues raising the money indicated (30000+ £) for such an FFS. And surgeries without HRT? I don't think so. So the very hypothetical list is: Years, HRT, years, FFS, seeing the bottom of my treasure chest, BA (if needed), GCS. And by then I'd be both totally broke and 70+ yo.

And from your pictures it seems you don't need FFS. ☺️

Thanks Anna! Sweet of you to say so 😁 Think I got a bit lucky in the gene pool. I will never be a looker but if I can just be passable that is enough for me! There are of course things I would love to change about my face but in the context of financial limitations, there are better ways to allocate meagre resources!

[Petunia]

Sarah, I agree with Anna. From your avatar I don't know how you can present male.

[tammy753]

Sarah, I agree with Anna. From your avatar I don't know how you can present male.

That's what I said too.

[Stottie Girl]

Ha! I've gotten pretty good with make up!!!

To be honest I think I might be living on borrowed time, I think my body will out me before I do!

[tammy753]

I think your face came out first.

[Stottie Girl]

Thanks Tammy, I still look in the mirror and see a male face but with maybe a bit more of a feminine undertone. I guess you don't really see me without the makeup and hair. I have been living without seeing the avatar face in the flesh since the 23rd June and I hate looking at myself in the mirror currently.

[Finally Anna]

A few quotes from @KristaFairchild's blog. @KristaFairchild I just had to cross-quote because this is describing me. Exactly. 💕

I was taking tiny steps

I wore clear nail polish. I experimented with lip color so subtle that it was essentially invisible

My presentation was gradually moving toward female. So. Slowly.

My greatest fear was my marriage. My wife is enormously important to me, and I was afraid that discovering who I really was might cost me the person and the life I loved.

All of the above. Exactly as above. I have since realized that my marriage is not in immediate jeopardy and it is in fact very, very good right now. The androgynous me, probably also the femme leaning androgynous me, is welcome to continue the marriage. Whether a future fully feminine me is also welcome is someting that I might discover.

I could no longer add just one more feminine element and have it feel right. A skirt by itself felt wrong.

I have had sessions in front of the full-view mirrors. With skirt. With blouse. With skirt and blouse and heels. It just is not right, unless I also put padding in a bra. Then it becomes someone else, someone that has a resemblance of a woman. If I then could add a female face and female hair? Dreams, dreams...but then again, I am a couple of years behind Krista's journey so who knows?

[KristaFairchild]

A few quotes from @KristaFairchild's blog. @KristaFairchild I just had to cross-quote because this is describing me. Exactly. 💕All of the above. Exactly as above. I have since realized that my marriage is not in immediate jeopardy and it is in fact very, very good right now. The androgynous me, probably also the femme leaning androgynous me, is welcome to continue the marriage. Whether a future fully feminine me is also welcome is someting that I might discover.
I have had sessions in front of the full-view mirrors. With skirt. With blouse. With skirt and blouse and heels. It just is not right, unless I also put padding in a bra. Then it becomes someone else, someone that has a resemblance of a woman. If I then could add a female face and female hair? Dreams, dreams...but then again, I am a couple of years behind Krista's journey so who knows?

You and I and @Petunia have had many similar feelings and experiences. Thank you for your posts and comments! 

The shocking part of my transition is that the slow increments felt like "maybe" and "who knows" and "I'll probably never but..." until I ran out of increments and my wife gave them thumbs up. 

The graph shows steady slow growth and then an unbelievable acceleration that was almost vertical. 

[Petunia]

I really need to thank you Krista and Anna. You are both way in front of me.

We all cherish our relationships but my wife isn't in the same place your's are.

Everything else you have both written I could have as well.

My thanks to both if you

[Finally Anna]

@Petunia
My wife has very recently expressed concerns, fears, about her own attraction to me, when I am (and become) more feminine. Meaning that she feels such concerns now and then and that she dislikes herself for those feelings.

I cannot hurt her and possibly put our marriage on line, unless I absolutely cannot find another way forward. It is unthinkable that I'd do that.
So, the Vacation where I hoped to let Anna loose a bit more will instead be almost total boy mode. One week boy mode is definitely doable. And it will show me what I really, really can/cannot do.

[KristaFairchild]

@Petunia
My wife has very recently expressed concerns, fears, about her own attraction to me, when I am (and become) more feminine. Meaning that she feels such concerns now and then and that she dislikes herself for those feelings.

Those last few words are really meaningful. It sounds like she's trying to work through it. Regarding this trip, have you asked her what she wants? 

[KristaFairchild]

I really need to thank you Krista and Anna. You are both way in front of me.

We all cherish our relationships but my wife isn't in the same place your's are.

Everything else you have both written I could have as well.

My thanks to both if you

As you know, I have been somewhat in your situation in the past. One difference I think is that my wife was very much supportive of LGBTQ rights, But it felt different to her when it was her spouse, potentially transitioning genders. Like you, I was unwilling to push her. I waited patiently and continued my gradual change. And in my case, it worked out. I'm sure she has some internal thoughts and fears but overly she is 100% supportive. 

And I will add, not because it happens to everyone, but because it's a possibility for anyone who begins to identify as a different gender. The more I experienced certain clothes and did personal work, such as the workbook that I did, the more I recognized, who I really was. I thought something in my head that I don't know if I really meant or not, but it felt real. I reached a point where I knew that if my wife truly loved me, she would want what made me happy. Knowing my wife, I felt it was likely that she could adjust. Knowing myself as I had learned to, I knew I couldn't go on living as a man. I was absolutely terrified of divorce, but at least in my head I was willing to go there if that's what it took to be me. 

[Finally Anna]

Regarding this trip, have you asked her what she wants?

No, I have not. But perhaps I should.
She expressed definite concerns after our clothes shopping trip yesterday. Like: "I love you. I love the soft and caring you, that our relationship is so good now. But I don't want to feel like this. I thought that I'd not care, but I do. I don't care at all if people are gay, bi, trans or whatever - but it is different when it is you. And I am sad with myself for this.".

Approximately so. But boymoding is definitely doable. And it is a good test for me, to see what i currently NEED and what I perhaps would like but not really need.

I will not cause her sadness and I will not do anything that can cause marital issues, unless I find it unavoidable.

my wife was very much supportive of LGBTQ rights, But it felt different to her when it was her spouse, potentially transitioning genders

if my wife truly loved me, she would want what made me happy.

This is exactly the case for me, for us. But I don't yet know if she can adapt and I will use my method: Slowly, softly, surely.

I was absolutely terrified of divorce, but at least in my head I was willing to go there if that's what it took to be me.

I am not yet sure what it takes to be me, when it really comes down to it. I know what I'd want, but not whether it is a necessity.

[Finally Anna]

My wife has very recently expressed concerns, fears, ...

Yesterday, when this came up, I said something like "But I am more or less the same now as I was before, except being soft and sensitive and dressing a bit androgynously..."
My wife's comment: No, you're not. You have changed so much. Not only hair and clothes but the way you behave and how you express yourself and relate and communicate with other people. Everyone can see it and some  are asking about it. (Like: <Male name> has changed so much, what is going on?)

That could have been very affirming and a super nice compliment, but in that context it became more of a problem statement. Well, who said gender variance was simple...

[Finally Anna]

Rambling, rambling, ...

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
If I boymode then my wife will feel guilty because of her comments.
If I don't boymode then I will feel guilty because of her comments.
Oh, the irony.

Just to be clear: I am not in a bad mood or depressed from this. At least not yet.

[Finally Anna]

This is surely a record amount of posts to my blog, in one day.

Not all is bad. Maybe nothing is actually bad?
My wife asked me if I had packed the <beep> for our trip (images of magic things from another thread come to mind). 😋

And @KristaFairchild I think I will pack a few Anna-things as well 🙏 and if it feels right then I'll ask my wife if I should dress like this or like that and we can jointly find what is ok. Better to cooperate and both feel ok about it than assume things and then both feel bad about it, ref my previous post.
💕

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think I will pack a few Anna-things as well 🙏 and if it feels right then I'll ask my wife if I should dress like this or like that and we can jointly find what is ok. Better to cooperate and both feel ok about it than assume things and then both feel bad about it

This is the way.

If you both make decisions together, no one can blame the other for pressing the issue or hiding from it. You two are a team and have been for a while. Teamwork makes the dream work.

[Finally Anna]

You have changed so much. Not only hair and clothes but the way you behave and how you express yourself and relate and communicate with other people.

The background processing in my brain sent me a thought about how I have changed: Looking at my posts above validates that quote. My old male me would never even have considered writing that openly about these kinds of things.
☺️