I found myself wanting to write a bit about my journey so far, so here goes. A bit lengthy and nothing is new so the TLDR is "A compilation of things already written".
Retrospect? Introspect? Hindsight? Current state of affairs? Wishes for the future? Or all of them?
The road has been so long and winding. Sometimes it was barely visible and sometimes it was totally obvious. Until a few years ago it was just a road that I walked, that had some weird turns and sinkholes, but that seemed to lead to nowhere particular. But then the terrain started to change. Steep hills, knee-deep mud that threatened to swallow anyone who dared cross, black-ice conditions while still summer, signs that warned about extensive road damages, and there was absolutely no way to get off. Unscalable cliffs, wild rivers or compact jungle was lining the road. The weather was getting bad, with Tornadoes sweeping randomly without advance warning.
After a couple of years of fighting through this there was suddenly a fork in the road and a sign that said "Left: Eternity (one-way), Right: The known but unknown". I had no real desire for eternity so I chose the right path, the known unknown.
There was soon a change of conditions and while there was still obstacles to handle the road became clearer and the Tornadoes were nowhere to be seen and suddenly my vision cleared, the weather became nice and the surroundings were beautiful. I walked with newfound energy and curiosity through places that I kind of knew even though I had never been there. The lightness and relief was dizzying. Suddenly, there were signs along the road, signs that spoke about possible roadblocks ahead, but I knew I had to continue come what may. That sign with "Left: Eternity (one-way)" was freaking me out and the beautiful scenery along the road couldn't be ignored. The warnings of roadblocks were not false, but it seems like these roadblocks probably can be navigated given a bit of time and with careful steps so as to not drop into any sinkholes. The first and largest roadblock at first seemed impossible to pass, but once there I saw that there was a very narrow passage, a tunnel that could lead forward and here I am, navigating that tunnel. I can see the sunlight at the other end and it looks promising, but I am treading carefully and slowly to avoid any remaining sinkholes.
I know for certain that I am no longer a man, and I doubt that I ever was one though I was a really good impersonator. There was never a blinding and crippling dysphoria, but always and still a kind of ever present shadowy whisper that might have a harsher companion lurking around the corner. It is a lightness and a relief, euphoria even, that I was able to finally crack my egg and come out seven months ago. There has been mental pains, some of which has led to weird cravings and unmentionable symptoms, over the 50 years of denial.
My looks are still "a man", though with an increasing degree of androgynous presentation, and I'd switch to a purely female body in an instant if it magically could be done without causing an earthquake. Thanks to the somewhat low dysphoria the current lookout says that I can live well also without a body-switch. Time will tell.
But my mind is free to move, free to reshape and reframe. I no longer think like the person I used to be and my wife says that I have changed quite a bit in how I act, how I communicate and how I get along with people socially. All of those are nice things for me. Most of them are nice also for her and for everyone else.
A free mind, as free as it can be after newly being released from 50+ years in prison. I cannot put into words how good that feeling is (but of course I know that readers here know exactly how it feels). There's a lot of adaptation needed because the world has changed a lot in those 50 years, and the mind must now play catch-up.
Slowly, softly and surely!
But where am I heading?
How do I know if I am denying myself, by thinking that I probably don't need HRT and surgeries, by trying to be a good spouse to an accepting wife and by intentionally going slowly to not cause pains that could have been avoided? How do I know if I am denying myself, by going ever so slowly forward in my integration and presentation, by not yet having transitioned socially?
These are questions that I sometimes think about, but the answer is quite obvious. I cannot know until I am at another fork in the road, where the sign says "Left: Increased hardships, Right: A chance at fulfilment". I will know what to do when I get there.
Lots of love to you all
💕
