We started the talk

[Petunia]

After trying to talk about the T word and what I'm feeling we sat down and talked yesterday.

I started by explaining to my wife that I'm not cis male.  She didn't understand so I tried to explain it.

I also said I've never been a really masculine man. She said this is one of the things she really liked/likes about me.

She has known for 36 years that I like to crossdress but I did stop doing it almost 20 years ago because I hated myself.

The question she has been asking me was why now.  So I decided to join Susan's to assist getting an answer.

I tried to explain things step by step but it didn't go over well.

When I mentioned transgender my wife told me I am not to go out crossdressed. But why I can't just do it (begrudgingly) at home?

She said she doesn't want to split up and she didn't expect to spend our retirement this way.

She asked what are people going to think of her?

She also said no hormones, and I need to talk to somebody about this.

I can go back to my psychologist, but in my last visit we kind of agreed to park things for a while.

My psychologist also said she would provide a supporting letter to a doctor of my choice if I chose to do something.

I couldn't bring myself to tell this to my wife.

I still don't know who/what I really am (or maybe I'm just kidding myself)

I don't consider I have been crossdressing even though I have been women's underwear for about 10 months and pretty much everyday I have been wearing at least one piece of female outerwear, but never dresses.

I'm sure I don't need to go over everything I've been doing but I don't know how I'd react if I have to cut my hair or remove my jewelery.

My wife did appologise for not being more supportive but I said that was ok and understandable.

So today is probably the worst day I've had in 10 months or more

[Finally Anna]

I don't know if I can offer any words of true comfort, but this makes me get a feeling of hope.

I also said I've never been a really masculine man. She said this is one of the things she really liked/likes about me.

And there're also other positives

She said she doesn't want to split up and she didn't expect to spend our retirement this way. She asked what are people going to think of her?

What you are writing is that she wants to stay and that the issues she sees are not primarily about her attraction to you, but about how others will see her/you. Coming out to her means that she gets thrown into a whirlwind of thoughts and fears and it is at least possible that her reactions are a lot about the fear of the unknown. That with a bit of time and with seeing that your core will stay the same she can rethink what this really means?

I do understand the heaviness of the situation but I also think that her reaction does bring a bit of hope. 💕

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

This sounds like a very big moment,  Petunia, and this is really only a single conversation. I'm so glad that you found the courage to sit and discuss this in detail. Like Anna says it seems at the level of "who you are" she doesn't see such a big issue. I expect however that more depth would need to be focused here to determine the extent. It seems like she is worried about other people which may be in terms of embarrassment and avoiding criticism. She may be worried about this in terms of her own feelings but also concen for you.

I think that it might be worth exploring these separate themes and more together. I'm kibd of thinking a what if situation - say if the worry about how people would see you wasn't there, would she be happy with you fully transitioning. Also I think going to your therapist means you can define some questions and discussions together. This maybe means you can push towards "what if" scenarios, like HRT, with your wife under the guise they are part of therapy. In reality this is true hypothetical exploration.

I get this will be hard and on top of your mind will be not losing your relationship. But there is also an opportunity to push the envelope a little after each therapy session. Change abd chages of mind sometimes happen with regular exposure, supporting your partners concerns with answers and the affirmation of a 3rd party.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. I know you'll need them.

Charlotte 😻

[Petunia]

Thank you Anna. That is exactly what I'm hoping for.


Sweet, sweet Charlotte. There you go again trying to help other people when you are in so much turmoil.

Please prioritise yourself.

Send me pm's if you like.
 I wonder if your hrt is compounding issues

[Maid Marion]

When I was growing up Corporal Klinger on M.A.SH. was the butt of jokes.  1970s TV show.
Cross dressing back then invited bullying or worse.

Now it is just clothes.  I tell my random golfing partners that I wear female clothes because they fit perfectly and I can buy them on sale at deep discounts.  Elderly men who play golf have no issue with that.  Some suggest they are "my clothes."  Others wish their wives could wear my outfits.  I wear sample sizes, the same as models wear.

I have discussed the difference between gender and sexuality with one guy I've played with a couple of times.
I think he appreciated the discussion as I kept it simple and to the point so he could understand it.

Marion

[Petunia]

Thank you all for the kind words.

I need to sleeo and stop crying for now.
It will take a while

[Stottie Girl]

It's a very tough thing you are dealing with Petunia. I have no experience with these matters but I hope your wife can come to accept you for who you are.

[tammy753]

Wow I can't image what that was like thanks for sharing that and if you need support please let us know.

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

When I told my wife, she didn't take it well. It wasn't long before we slept in separate bedrooms. We barely spoke to each other for months. I started HRT without telling her. At work, I was happy. I had to turn off my joy when I got home because I knew it would upset my wife. Eventually, she began to see that I was becoming a better version of myself. We had many challenges to overcome, but our marriage survived. Five years ago we remarried, this time as two brides. We've now been married 42 years. I asked her why she stayed with me all of these years, and she always replies 'because I love you.'

The best advice I can give is to be patient. Give her time to understand. Answer questions truthfully.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Finally Anna]

What a fantastic journey, Jessica Rose. I can only imagine the difficulties, and then:

Five years ago we remarried, this time as two brides. We've now been married 42 years. I asked her why she stayed with me all of these years, and she always replies 'because I love you.'

Beautiful! I get tears in my eyes. 🥹
This gives us all a bit of hope.

[Pema]

Hi, Petunia. I'm sorry your wife didn't take it more positively, but - like others here - I think many of the things she did say give reasons to be hopeful. I think you're wise to move slowly from here. This was, as you wrote, only the start of the conversation; there will be more.

You said your therapist would provide a "supporting letter." Is that a Gender Dysphoria diagnosis? If so, that sounds like a pretty big deal to me. If your therapist is saying you are gender dysphoric, then I think that's something your wife ought to know about and really, truly understand its significance.

I'm very much an outsider, but from what I'm hearing your wife loves you and wants you to stay together AND she doesn't know about the profound significance that your being transgender has on you, your well-being, and therefore your relationship with her. Marriages are very much about openness and communication; this is something she *really* needs to understand.

But take your time, feel your way through. It's very new to her, and she will definitely go through her own transition as she adjusts to the new reality of you and the two of you. I find myself feeling pretty optimistic, though.